Help for a friend needed badly.

[brenda]

My very best friend of a life-time, has a problem, and I do not know how to help.

Basically , after 10 years as a carer for her husband , who has dementia , she has had to put him into a care home because she can no longer manage .
She has been almost brought to a serious health problem, she has high blood pressure, a gastric ulcer and total exhaustion.

Her husband has been in residential care for 5 days so far,she has been to see him twice for about an hour or so each time.
when it is time for her to leave he becomes quite agitated and wants to come home with her.He has no realisation that the residential home is now his permanent home and that she is no longer able to care for him.

He has escaped from the home on the 3rd night there , once so far, at 1-30 am having dressed himself and put his coat on.

He did this by pushing a fire door . He was found in the grounds almost at once , the door was alarmed. The staff put his p j's on for him again , made him a cuppa and he settled down to sleep

almost at once.He has not done this since, so far.

My friend is devastated, she feels guilty and as tho she has betrayed him, they have been together for 49 years.

She is completely lost as to how to deal with his questions about coming home.I am trying to support her as best I can, in this terrible scenario, and would be very grateful for any advice that anyone can give .Please help if you can, she is almost at breaking point with grief and loss.I just don't know what to do or say to help.
Sincerely . Brenda.

[daffy654]

The Alzheimers Society have some good help and advice for people in your friend's situation.

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents.php?categoryID=200121

[Naomicorlett]

I do feel for your friend. When my darling Mum went into a residential home after struggling to manage for ages I found it comforting to be able to give her the quality of time she needed without being so shattered myself. I was able to have the energy to love her the way she deserved and also to share precious time without any pressure to look after her full time. We had hilarious bath and shower times when I got wetter than her without having the worry of me not being able to cope. I do hope he settles soon. My mum used a large desk diary that I wrote in whenever i visited saying what we had done together and that helped her to realise that she had not been abandoned. Maybe your friend could try and take it a week at a time.

[DEN53]

Brenda - I can only imagine how your friend must feel - my Mum has had dementia for the past year, it is hard work and if your friend has been caring for her husband for 10 years, she must be at breaking point. The one thing I have learnt with my Mum is routine, once you slot something into her routine, she seems to accept it after a few weeks of repeating the pattern. Perhaps once your friend's husband has been in the home for a while, he will accept it as part of his routine.

Just being there for your friend and listening to her, is therapy in itself , but I feel she does need some other back up from professional counsellors - the link Daffy has given you is a good start - in fact I may try this myself (thanks Daffy ).

Sorry, I can't give more practical advice, but I think you are one very good friend Brenda.

Denise xx

[tinkerbell23]

i dont know if i should really be answering but ill give it a go!! im a student nurse...and found it hard when i worked in a care home specilly for people with dementia...also my gran suffers from this but is still so far independent....anyhows....i was trained to be upfront and honest with patients...however hard...i mean god love them...i had 80 and 90 odd year old women asking when thier mum was going to visit and it was real hard. ur poor friend must be so distressed...but i must say....out of the majority of residents....9 out of 10 didnt get visitors and im not exaggerating-it reduced me to tears...i realy really care for others....and to hear ur friend visiting really warms the cockles of my heart! iknow most of us would do..and ur friend would never do otherwise but i realy struggled. i have every hope that her husband will settle eventually...the staff will get used to all the tricks!! i wasnt there long as it was only a uni placement...but i knew the residents like the back of my hand and how to calm them down!! im sure the staff will be the same! They will really make him feel at home.....my best wishes to you all...i know like i say im not some great nurse or anything...but anythng u wanted to ask about my experience in a home with most residents with dememtia...please please mail me xxxxx

[Panic Button]

Tinkerbell, thank God there are people like you in this world.

[tinkerbell23]

that really means alot panic....i have a year n a half to go! im 22 just now....cnt wait to qualify...y'knw...sometimes...all it takes is to have a little chat,,yeah they repeat themselves...but u sit an listen to all their little stories...you get a joke going...god u even know how theytake their tea and wot they want for breakfast ha!!

i grew really attached...used to go into their rooms and play their cds and dance! ha! karaoke....paint nails do hair- never mind the medical stuff...and im sure brendas friend will find the same......people really do care xx

[zita-green]

Dear Brenda, We have been through a similar thing with our mother. Well, my sister more than me. Our advice is that there is lots of advice out there - local council, Age Concern, Help the Aged and other charities that help those supporting loved ones with dementia. Your friend should not feel guilty - she is doing the best for her husband and herself. She is no good to him if she is ill. She will need lots of reassurance that she is doing the right thing, both for herself and her husband. Tell her that she is doing the right thing and direct her to all the help that is out there. She has one invaluable thing; a friend who is there for her. You don't have to be a tower of strength just a sympathetic ear and an ability to make tea. Good luck.

[ruthann58]

brenda i feel for your friend it is heartbreaking for her we went through this with my husbands mum i found when we first went to visit her after she had gone in to a home it was best to tell her a little white lie when she used to ask to come home we would tell her that the council were decorating her house and when they had finished she could come home, as she had no memory span by the time we went next time she would have forgotten she was a lot calmer by telling her this and when it was time for us to go she was not upset she had no sense of time and if we went in more then once a day she had no idea when we had been in before or what time of day it was , before we were able to get her in to a home the police would be picking her up at all times of night , and she would go to the post office several times a day to get her pension and get very abusive to the staff when they used to tell her she had already got it , tell your friend she has done the best thing for her husband ,he is now in a safe environment where the staff are used to coping with people with this illness , i found talking to her as she got worse about mundane things was best the washing ironing etc as these were all things that she still thought she did, the staff used to let her help fold the washing so in a way it kept just a liitle bit of normality in her head ,in the end she did not reconise any of us ,apart from at the end of her life when she was in hospital and she looked at my husband and i am sure she knew him her eyes seemed as if something switched on in them he talked to her about her sister and brother and she was with him for about 10 mins and trying to answer him ,then the vacant look came back and she went into her own little world again she died about a week later but i am convinced that for just a short while she was in the same world as us. give your friend my best and tell her it will get easier in time ,it was such a relief for us when she finally went into a home because we

[ruthann58]

knew she was safe and being cared for, she did not sleep much at night and would get up and wander about the staff would make her a cup of tea and some toast and settle her down in an armchair and she would have a little nap then be up and about again give your friend my best wishes and tell her she has nothing at all to feel guilty about

[LoftyLottie]

I can't add more advice than others have given you. I lost my Mum early this year. She didn't have dementia but she did have memory problems and confusion. I tried to look after her at home and felt so guilty when I couldn't. She had physical problems and incontinence as well. It is so, so hard when someone has to go into care, both for them and for their loved ones. Your friend should not feel guilty, but it is very natural to do so.

Tinkerbell, you are a real gem. Don't undervalue yourself. If only there were more like you.

Best wishes to your friend, Brenda.

[brenda]

I thank each an d everyone of you from the bottom of my heart.Your answers have given me an insight into the world of dementia and hope , so much hope for my friend. Things for us to look at together,when she is up to that , as I know she will be presently with rest and lots of TLC.
She does have family, all supportive of the action she has taken, but they live a long way from her. Some have been to see her , others will come soon when they are able to do so.

Your answers have made mefeel more confident for her future, and as she lives close by me, and we see each other everyday, I shall try to be the best friend in the world because I love her dearly.

So loads of cuppas, a comfy sofa , little walks in the park and just a shoulder to cry on if needed.
Thank you all again for the time you spent on your answers, you won't believe how much better I feel and can now see ways to help and support her as and when there is a need.
Sincerely Brenda x

[tinkerbell23]

thank u lofty- that means alot...im positive brendas friend will b ok in a little while!!!

brenda please do keep us posted...id really really LOVE to hear how things get on??

lots of love...xxxxxxx

[brenda]

Will definitely let you know of progress thanks again.Brendax

[tinkerbell23]

wondering how your friend is brenda....hope all is well.....xx