Advice? Absent father

[tillyh345]

My father walked out on my mother years ago leaving her with four children under the age of 5. She went on to remarry, therefore we had a stepfather and very strict he was too. anyway never had any communication from real father, didnt know his birthdate or where he lived etc until this weekend and me and my brother fround some information on line...so we now know where he lives, and that hehas remarried and has another son, which makes him our half brother..... Would u contact him? if so how? Bearing in mind there has been 40 odd years passed. We dont necessarily want a reationship with him but would like to ask him some questions and just see him. Advice please especially if you have been in this sort of position. i would also liketo add my mum died at the young age of 34 , so cant ask her for her opinion,

[sherrardk]

I'm just wondering how you will feel if he doesn't want talk to you and your brother (I haven't spoken to my father for 23 years and personally have no desire to do so)

[sara3]

wow... you have to do what's right for you, but be prepared for the consequences. he may or may not want to see you. would he have known where you were for all these years? I'd suggest a letter rather than just turning up, give him a chance to digest the info and consider what he will do.

I wish you all the best x

[madmaggot]

It's best to make contact through a 3rd party first of all and then personally only if he wants to do so.

[tamborine]

Why not 'sneak a peak' at him before communicating. Spy a little; stay locally to view his habits and maybe non-commital chat in supermarket queue. Leave him at arms length till you feel more secure about him.

That way a re-buff wont be so painful. Keep us informed, would love to hear how it goes, good luck

[tillyh345]

Yes I did think about doing that, all those worried about how I would feel if he didnt want to know, I really would not feel anything I have never known him so wont miss him, just curious to see what hes like and perhaps find out why he left four of his children and never wanted to know how we are ? I thought that perhaps we would try and communicate with hs son first? I dont think he even knows about us?

[sara3]

you need to make contact with your father first, not his son.. that wouldn't be fair.

if your father isn't interested and the son is an adult, you could consider contacting him then.

[dothawkes31]

I don't think you have or ever will feel, that your life is complete without finding out about him. That does not mean that your life will change dramatically if you do contact him, as adults you have grown up into stable and responsible people who no doubt have your own children. Giving yourselves the chance to look back and establish a relationship as adults with him and your half sibling would be a good thing. He owes you an explanation and you deserve that from him.

[madmaggot]

A lot of men feel that, because of the conflict between them and the mother, the children will be better if there is a clean break. Especially if the child(ren) are very young. Don't judge him until you have heard his side of the story. I know of people who found that their estranged parent had actually tried for a long time to see them but were thwarted by the other parent, to the extent that they threw away cards and present that were sent for the child.

[tillyh345]

Thanks for all your input...I do appreciate that there maY BE THINGS THAT went on that am not aware of...I do remember my mum always was adamant that we should not think ill of him? so that has always made me think. His son is coming up 40 so he isnt a child, obviously I wouldnt contact a child that would nt be fair. Anyway not going to do anyhting rash will think about it first but I will update when and if I decide to do anything.

[Sqad]

tilly...that happened to me, I didn't know who my father was until I was 16yrs old.

It didn't bother me until I was about 50years old, but I knew that he was married and they couldn't have children and I was a "bone of contention" for his wife.

One Saturday night, I phoned him and it was clear that he didn't want to know. My wife was terribly upset, but I wasn't really bothered.

He died two years ago without having seen me or spoken to me Part from the short telephone call.

I would have liked to see him, but it was HIS loss.

Try and contact him.

[harkatlisten]

Same thing happened to my mum in late 50's. I just found my half sister and late half brother via facebook,. Now we are all looking for my Dad, as he did same to them. Go for it now and fill in any gaps while you can (and for the sake of any grandchildren). You will regret not trying if you dont. If we had found my half brother before he died, we might have been able to save him with bone marrow transplant.
How you contact him depends on what sources are available to you.
I wish you all the luck and hope it ends happy. Let me know please.

[tillyh345]

Just to keep you updated my brother has written and posted a letter to him this morning. Thanks for all your replies and be assured I will let u know the outcome good or bad,