When will he 'get over it' and learn to move on?

[tigwig]

Over 3 yrs ago now my MIL died of cancer and since then the FIL has been on his own. For the first 2 and a half years both me and my SIL cooked him tea twice a week and basically have always been there for him. This has now been reduced to once a week but he still obsessively phones every close member of the family every day and if you are busy and can't answer he rings and rings until you do! All MIL's clothes and everything are still as they were and I just don't think he will ever move them. Has anyone else experienced the death of a family member and how long was it before you began to 'move on'? Is the way he behaves normal?

[karenmac60]

My dad phones every day cos my mum has gone to the shop which is 2 minutes away, and he's not a frail old man either - he just can't seem to be on his own without having someone to talk to. Has anybody broached the subject of clearing out her stuff though? It could be that he just can't face it or that her clothes are all he has left of her and can't bring himself to do it. Or maybe that's how it started and he just accepts them as part of the furniture now. I think maybe you or other family members should have a talk with him about that and do it for him. As for the phoning you may just have to get used to it - explain that if you don't answer it's because you're busy but you'll call him back when you can and get an answer machine to reassure him that if he leaves a message you'll know it was him. He just sounds lonely.

[Mamyalynne]

It's just under two years since I lost my husband to cancer after being married 35 yeard. Clearing 'stuff' like clothes was no problem for me, but the loneliness is a different issue.
I for one try not to phone all the time as my family need to live their own lives.
Offer to help with the clearing but let him keep special pieces, I still have my hubby's dressing gown and I see it each morning. Buy him a photo album. I bet he has loads of snaps need to be arranged and most of all, talk about her as you are doing these things. You cannot move on from such a long life together in a short time.

Take care

M ♥

[andy-hughes]

I think the previous two Posters are absolutely correct.

Grief is a formless concept - there is no set time to 'move on' - it's just that we British love our stiff upper lips, and ideally, after about a month, any bereaved person should have ceased even thinking about their loss, perish the thought they may need to talk about it!

Is the way he behaves normal? For him - yes, and that is all he needs to feel.

It is obvious that your FIL is having problems adjusting to life alone, and needs some help.

Why not try and involve any neighbours where he lives of his own age? Is there a club or association he might consider joining? He needs to meet people who have had similar experiences, to lessen his obvious feelings of isolation.

As far as the calls go, you need to be patient - an answering machine is a good idea - but removing the need for such obsessive contact is a better one.

[brenda]

My friend lost his wife 3 years ago after a long time together , he has just started now to dispose of her clothes and things .He said he would do it when he felt able to do so ,and I suppose that time is right for him now.He found it extremely hard to stay in the house alone and used to go for long walks very, very frequently, however this is lessening in its frequency now.
I imagine that this has been his way of coming to terms with everything and that he now is able to deal with the things he needed to do previously.
It has been a long haul for him ,and although he has had much support from family and friends I think the acceptance by him of his loss is now complete.
Think FIL is behaving in a perfectly normal way for him ,and time will eventually allow him to "move on ".

[queries]

Sadly there is no set time to "get over and move on" after someone dies - it sounds as if you are lucky enough not to have experienced a close bereavement. Every person responds to such an event in a totally different way. I lost someone very close to me 40 years ago and it still seems like it happened yesterday, Just give them lots of love and let them know you will be there for them.

[Old_Geezer]

Everyone is different. One ought not think in terms of 'he should be over it by now'. When he questions whether he should be getting his life together will be the time.

Probably lonely on his own, brings home that he has been bereaved on a daily basis. So he calls, looking for contact. Maybe the family can find suggestions of interests to occupy his mind and time and suggest them ? It may help in the healing process. Maybe there are social activites / clubs he may find lifts his mood if he is encouraged to join for the company ?

[tigwig]

Thank you for the lovely answers. We have suggested clearing out the clothes etc but he doesn't want to. In the last month he has also bumped into an old lady friend who also lost her partner. They have gone out together a few times for companionship so this is nice for him. He does go out every weekend with other friends too so its not like he is stuck in the house. He also workd full time! I posted this yesterday after I couldn't get to the phone due to a screaming baby and when hubby got home after a 15hr day at work he had phoned his mobile 4 times in half an hour! I did eventually speak to him and everything was fine, not an emergency which you would think. Its just the constant phoning now which is grating. Thanks again.

[Mamyalynne]

Tigwig, if you have a speaker button on your phone, quickly answer and say"Dad, we are in the middle of chaos here", let him listen as you sort baby etc out. He may either find it involving or get a bit bored. Sounds daft but who knows. He will eventually clear stuff and that will be when he is ready.
I realise you posted when fractious and that is human too.
Mamya x

[haysi06]

Hi tigwig, och your poor wee father-in-law, it must be difficult for him and of course for you guys as well, there really is no timelimit and he may need a wee bit more time before he's ready to sort out his wife's things. He's obviously missing her but its good he;s got close family and friends. It's only human to get a wee bit frustrated too.

[joko]

hes probably just in the habit now...

but also could be afraid of losing you too...if i dont answer the phone to my dad he starts imagining im dead, fell downstairs, drown in the bath etc etc...so worries...though he doesnt phone everyday...