Step kids

[Cheekyteddy]

I have my step kids coming later in the month. Girl age 5 and Boy aged 13. The little girl is no problem, her mum has been difficult over access but she is always pleased to see us and happily comes to me for Mum type things. Boy however has spent the last year and a bit refusing to have anything to do with us following an incident Xmas 2004 when he stole something of my sons during his visit with us. He subsequently told his mum a load of lies about me which she chose to believe, he also sent me a couple of nasty text messages which he denies he sent.

In truth I don't want him in my house and would like to say no. However, I realise he is entitled to a relationship with his dad, even though his dad is not too bothered about having one with him!

I suppose I am just hoping that there is someone out there in AB land that can give me support and or advice on what to do!

[Cheekyteddy]

Thank you andy that is fantastic and just what I needed to hear. I will let you know how it goes he is due to land on us 24th June.

[butter1]

I am a step daughter and all I can say is make him feel welcome and as part of the family.  There is nothing worse then feeling less important to your step brothers and sisters...especially if your step son doesn't live with you and his dad and his dad is living with his step brothers/sister he might feel left out.  My dad seems to care more about his step children then he does with me and my brother and this is very upsetting.  I'm 27 and I still sometimes feel that way.  Good luck.

[icklepickle]

I'm sorry but I feel you are doing more damage with your attitude " I don't want him in my house " " his dad is not too bothered " - This poor kid had his family split apart, his dad leave him and then move in with another family, other kids that see his dad everyday and then when he does come over the tension of you not wanting him.  Andy is right this child is experiencing momumental changes in his life and you don't seem to care.  You are closer to the daughter is this because she is younger or is it because you didn't have girls of your own. ? Take some time to read what you have written and try to see how your attitude affects this child.  The last thing you need to do is write him off. You and his father need to sit down and explain the ground rules and to decide together how to handle this. Please just don't give up on him.  He should be as important to you as your own children.

[Cheekyteddy]

Thank you icklepickle. I have had 5 children of my own. 3 girls and 2 boys (one boy died at birth). They age between 20 and 7.My partner had been separated for 2 years before I met him and I have been with my partner for 2 years and his son disowned us not the other way around. I have never said to him that he is not wanted here. Added to this his Mum has been very difficult about access to the little girl. The little girl has dispite her age constantly said that she wants to go and see daddy and me, she has heard the worst lies that have come from her brother and her older sister as well as her mum and she has remained of her own opinion. She is still only just  5!!!! He on the other hand just fuelled the flames of lies.

We have had his oldest child with us for the last 18 months she is now 18 and she has left home to live with friends in a shared house. So I don't think I can be accused of favouring my own children over his. My children that are grown also do not live with us.

In fairness I do get along better with teenage girls than teenage boys but as we are not talking about him living with me then I don't think that it is an issue. He will come here at the most once a month. He and his mum live a long way from us.

I disagree with you about him being as important to me as my own children. Of course he won't be he is a virtual stranger to me. My partner and I will set the ground rules but he won't like them he didn't before. No computer games, reasonable bed time and washing himself and cleaning his teeth!!! He will have the same rules as my children had at his age.

It is easy to criticise perhaps you would like to explain why you offer critism when I asked for advice and support?

[Gilli]

Haven't really got any more advice to give you as Andy's response was very wise and sensible.

Just wanted to say - as one alleged "wicked" stepmum to another (fuelled by a bitter mummy) - that I sympathise immensely with you. Despite what we know is the right thing to do as a mature adult, it is bl**dy hard sometimes to keep a level head as, irrespective of how old you are, you are still human and it still hurts when potentially damaging lies are bandied about.

I am going through something very similar right now - though luckily both my partner and mother in law are supportive of my awkward position and understand that problems with his children are largely "mummy-driven".

You might like to try this site which covers all parenting issues and has a good step-parenting board which is great for making you feel like you're not alone.

mumsnet

[Cheekyteddy]

Thank you Gilli.

[icklepickle]

CheekyTeddy - I'm sorry you find my opinion a criticism, this alone says a lot to me about you.  I am in a position to see both sides of this as not only a mum but a stepmum too.  Again the bitterness/anger/frustration that adults express in relation to there former partners/spouses will have a huge affect on the children involved and I have always been open honest and fair in regards to my sons father despite the fact he is an uncaring scumbag, whereas my husbands ex can't contain her rage at him and is driving us to despair over their  daughter. Looking for support from AB is all well and good we have all at some point done it but don't get upset when you don't always hear what you want to hear. Good Luck with this and as long as you can always say you've done your best then that will always be enough.

[orange-gnome]

I am a step child too and my father after a while wanted nothing to do with me! I think it is awful that you would let your husband who isnt bothered in having a relationship with him give up on his son!! The poor boy is only 13 and as everyone else has said going through a tough time. Your husband should not be allowed to give up on him, he had a son and he will always be his son he has the responsibility of taking care of him and being there for him! You don't know how devastating it can be to be abandoned by a parent obviously, time love and patience is what he needs. Yes its hard but that is what having children and step children is about!! He is only 13 and to have his father say he is not bothered is terrible I feel for him , I really do!

[Cheekyteddy]

Thank you orange gnome. I don't disagree but you can't force yourself to have feelings that are not there. Surely being honest with yourself enables you to manage the situation in a better light. You can choose your friends but you cannot choose your family. No one has said that we are currently refusing to have him to our home but what I was asking for was support to get it right and to have a correct balance.

You seem to imply that just because we are adults our feelings are not valid and I would disagree with this. I do agree that it is up to us grown ups to do our best to put the situation right but there also has to be effort from him and his mother to a certain extent. You cannot have a relationship with someone who will not see you, talk to you, refuses to let you have his mobile number and returns your letters unopened.

But thanks for your perspective.

[HYLAND1ELLEN]

Hi Cheekyteddy... by the name, you don't sound that bad..... I just think it's to do with the "mother" on what she probably says or moans about.... I have a step son too age 15 and he used to live with me and his dad but moved back to his moms because she wasn't happy with me checking if homework was done etc... .doing what I though was BEST for her kid.... You can only do so much and teenage boys especially step sons.. they are harder and I MESSY and they know you can only go so far as they go running to mommy and your the bad one... You also need help from the dad, to support you 100% But mine is about 50%. the father is very soft on his son because he's scare of not seeing him, so I know where your where your coming from, I've actually said, don't want him in my house because he doesn't like me etc, but why , I don't know but their moms have a big part to play and I don't care what anyone else says it's true.BECAUSE your looking at their interests BETTER than what the mother should be doing !!!!! I did my best then and still look out for him now and try all the time to build a good relationship up, but if you get the "can I have" and the answer is no..... calls his mom... again making you look the bad one. You have to work harder and keep going, not just for you but for everyone else and your kids because your I guess in the middle. you have to make it work and I'm doing it all the time.... Sorry if it's not what you want to hear and your step son is only 13.... being true to you... 15 years of age and it's "can i have" and if not.... HELL !.... I probably sound horrid, but I do love my step son and still look for direction for him ref to a career, but you can only do so much....  KEEP YOUR CHIN UP !