Strands #260 “Coming Up For...
Quizzes & Puzzles4 mins ago
Step kids and discipline!
26 Answers
Hey guys,
Hope you are all well?
Ok, just thought I would ask this as me and OH have differnt views!
If you have stepkids or kids of your own and a new partner, how far does the step parent go with telling the kids what to do and stuff!?
My OH has said tonight that he wants me to tell his kids off if need be or tell them what to do, and that to me is a bit weird!?
I said to him, what if I was to tell them off or to do something and they went back and said something to their mum, it wouldnt be long before she was on the phone wanting to know what right I have telling her kids what to do?
He says he wants them to gain respect for me, instead of thinking I will just sit there and let them do what they want when he is out of the room.
Just some input please! :-)
Hope you are all well?
Ok, just thought I would ask this as me and OH have differnt views!
If you have stepkids or kids of your own and a new partner, how far does the step parent go with telling the kids what to do and stuff!?
My OH has said tonight that he wants me to tell his kids off if need be or tell them what to do, and that to me is a bit weird!?
I said to him, what if I was to tell them off or to do something and they went back and said something to their mum, it wouldnt be long before she was on the phone wanting to know what right I have telling her kids what to do?
He says he wants them to gain respect for me, instead of thinking I will just sit there and let them do what they want when he is out of the room.
Just some input please! :-)
Answers
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I have my two boys living with me and their step Dad. You wouldn't know he wasn't their real Dad. From day one he would pull them up if they were naughty. Although this was easier for him as we've been friends for years and they knew him pretty well already. He'd even tell them off when we weren't together. It's a matter of respect. Kids push it...
I have never had a problem with any adult telling my kids off. If they need telling, they need telling. Simple.
If you don't make your stand now Wiggal the kids will end up looking at you like a mate and never take what you say seriously.
As long as you show all other emotions towards them....loving, caring, understanding and all that malarky they will respect your opinion...even if they don't agree with it at the time.
I have never had a problem with any adult telling my kids off. If they need telling, they need telling. Simple.
If you don't make your stand now Wiggal the kids will end up looking at you like a mate and never take what you say seriously.
As long as you show all other emotions towards them....loving, caring, understanding and all that malarky they will respect your opinion...even if they don't agree with it at the time.
Its the other way round for me, I have a 7 year old son from a previous marriage and my boyfriend of two years has been living with us for a year now and we both share in the discipline. I think you shouldn't worry what the ex thinks. I think you should treat his kids as if they are your own and do what you think is right at the time.
Hope this helps.
xx
Hope this helps.
xx
OK - I have experience here, and i am happy to pass it on.
First of all - remember this - it's the most important fact all parents need to know -
kids will always play one parent off against the other given the chance. It's not nasty or malicious or scheming, it's the way children are as they explore relationships and how they fit into the world. All kids do it with all parents, the problems get bigger when one is a step-parent for all the reasons you have stated.
Once kids get wind of the fact that you are tiptoing because of anyone's opinion of what you do - you are doomed to be a doormat for ever.
So - you need to have a chat with your OH and get some ground rules betwen you.
You must agree to back each other up at ALL times, no matter if one of you thinks the other is wrong, infront of the children, it's a united front - discuss it in private if either of you has issues.
Your partner tells the children that at your home, you are 'mum' in all but name, with the same rights and discipline sanctions - and he supports you in that.
This is to get things ready for the 'bad times'.
You do your best to show the kids that they are loved and respected in return - goes a long way to heading off the bad behaviour born out of insecurity and fear of loss.
When they play up, your approach is "You are making me unhappy with your behaviour, and i don;t want to be unhappy because i love you ..." which will work until escalation time - which will come, and then you need punishment snactions which you carry through as warned EVERY TIME, and appealiong to Dad has NO EFFECT whatever, so they soon give up trying.
Lastly - he will tell their mum, as firmly as necessary, that this is your relationship, and the kids will behave in your home, and neither of you will be listening to any tale-telling from the children about anything at all. Start from a zero
First of all - remember this - it's the most important fact all parents need to know -
kids will always play one parent off against the other given the chance. It's not nasty or malicious or scheming, it's the way children are as they explore relationships and how they fit into the world. All kids do it with all parents, the problems get bigger when one is a step-parent for all the reasons you have stated.
Once kids get wind of the fact that you are tiptoing because of anyone's opinion of what you do - you are doomed to be a doormat for ever.
So - you need to have a chat with your OH and get some ground rules betwen you.
You must agree to back each other up at ALL times, no matter if one of you thinks the other is wrong, infront of the children, it's a united front - discuss it in private if either of you has issues.
Your partner tells the children that at your home, you are 'mum' in all but name, with the same rights and discipline sanctions - and he supports you in that.
This is to get things ready for the 'bad times'.
You do your best to show the kids that they are loved and respected in return - goes a long way to heading off the bad behaviour born out of insecurity and fear of loss.
When they play up, your approach is "You are making me unhappy with your behaviour, and i don;t want to be unhappy because i love you ..." which will work until escalation time - which will come, and then you need punishment snactions which you carry through as warned EVERY TIME, and appealiong to Dad has NO EFFECT whatever, so they soon give up trying.
Lastly - he will tell their mum, as firmly as necessary, that this is your relationship, and the kids will behave in your home, and neither of you will be listening to any tale-telling from the children about anything at all. Start from a zero
... position, and you won't waste time sorting out truth from exageration on the phone to her every weekend they stay there.
Children need and respect boundaries - it makes them feel secure.
Put them in place with love and firmness - in that order - and you will win more than you lose.
It's not easy - but be aware of not puting your own adult perspective on what the children think and feel. They will push you, but make it clear that the last word will always be yours, in words or actions, and they will learn eventually.
You need masses of patience, a rock solid partnership, and the willingness to go through this because you llove everyone involved.
It's not as negative as i make it sound - put all this in place and you will have a happy securfe loving family around you - most of the time.
It's worth every minute of grief for the love you get in the end.
Children need and respect boundaries - it makes them feel secure.
Put them in place with love and firmness - in that order - and you will win more than you lose.
It's not easy - but be aware of not puting your own adult perspective on what the children think and feel. They will push you, but make it clear that the last word will always be yours, in words or actions, and they will learn eventually.
You need masses of patience, a rock solid partnership, and the willingness to go through this because you llove everyone involved.
It's not as negative as i make it sound - put all this in place and you will have a happy securfe loving family around you - most of the time.
It's worth every minute of grief for the love you get in the end.
I feel that if some sort of behaviour is irritating you it is better to say something before you get really cross and it becomes a big issue. Noise in cars and running and jumping in the house shouting and yelling are things all kids do and it is annoying so before it gets to much say something like Oy noisy ones shhhhhh. Have your say withput making a big deal about it. If theyu are really naughty or disrespectful to you then it is dads place tp deal with it. Just because you oh doesnt communicate with his ex doesnt mean that you cant be civil and discuss kids on a polite level..Just dont get drawn into discussing your oh with her.
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