Problem Mum

[pinkiefriend]

I'm having huge problems with my mother right now.  Recently we fell out for 5 months and I hated it but last week we made up and I was delighted.  Unfortunately we had a mix up about me visiting her, and we fell out again (Total Nightmare).  When we fall out, she never get's in touch, she never tries to sort things out with me and she blames me for everything saying that it's all my fault that we are not speaking, I'm a bad daughter for not visiting her enough although she makes no effort to make up or contact me, it's all up to me.  Then last week, I got home from work and she had left an answer on my A-machine saying the worst things thinkable, all about personal stuff that I had confided in her about my boyfriend, not even about me, hurtful things.  Anyway my boyfriend was quite hurt about it, these things she said could really have damaged him, not only that but she slagged of his mother too.  I don't know what to do, she has never acted like this before and this is major.  Anyway, I then phoned her up, she didn't answer so I left a message just asking where we go from here, that I really love her and I don't know why she has done this but she has really damaged things for us.  She then phoned me back saying that we were going no where from here,  and that she was going to phone this person and that person and tell them personal stuff about me, things that would harm my position at work.  I hung up.  But this is us just made up after 5 months, I don't want to be motherless but I feel she had destroyed everything.  I am planning visiting her tonight and having it out with her but I am worried that we wont get anywhere and this could be the end of our relationship as mother and daughter. 

I know I have rambled on a bit, this is a serious issue for me.  I hope you can understand.

[JackDanielsU]

She seems lonely. And is just lashing out, not aware of the pain and suffering she is causing. I guess the 5 months you spent apart hurt her, and this maybe is her way of "payback" I do hope you sort it out though, maybe a clear the air talk is what you need, with a friend as support. Hope it all goes well

[cherrybomb]

I thought at first maybe your Mother gets lonely and is paying you back for not being at her beck and call. My father used to try to make me feel guilty about not visiting enough and at a time to suit him, but we kept it between ourselves. I took no notice and kept my mouth shut and he calmed down and he was just my Dad again. I think your Mum needs help. She is not just being bad tempered. By hurting your boyfriend and threatening to involve work colleagues she is being nasty and vindictive. You would not want to be friends with anyone who did this to you, Why should you put up with it from your Mum.

I would rather be Motherless.  

[Peri]

No excuse but a reason - could she be going through a traumatic menopause ?

[susi-q]

Just read your posting and feel really sorry for you. Its hard to deal with someone who uses words as weapons and tries to hurt people. Ive been there with my ex-husband and it was really, really difficult to stop listening to the abuse and reacting to it. But I think that is what you need to do. Basically these threats and insults are only satisfying to her if you react. If you show fear at the possibility of her doing as she says, she will feed off that.
I strongly feel that you should do as some of the other answers have said. Stop replying, stop reacting and most of all stop listening to what she says. Using your confidences against you is another thing that is so very hurtful and again it was done to me by my ex.
I know this lady is your mum and you love her but you have to think of yourself too. You are not in this world to be hurt and abused. Sounds like you have a very understanding man by your side, so you and he become a secure unit and close ranks.
People like this never want to take responsibility for their own actions. They'd rather blame everyone else than themselves. I wouldnt trust her with confidences again but be civil and friendly if and when speaking to her. As soon as the abuse begins say goodbye and put the phone down. Take it off the hook if necessary. I wouldnt encourage all this by visiting her, the attention is probably what she craves.
Remember - you are a worthwhile person. We all make mistakes and any secrets or private stuff she may spout off most people would sympathise with you anyway.
I hope that one day you will be able to make a relationship with your mum that works for you both, but I think it needs to be one where she respects you and doesnt think she has the right to behave like this. Until then I would get on with your life and concentrate on you.

[pinkiefriend]

Thanks everyone who answered to my problem, me and my mum still haven�t made up and I do really miss her, only understandable.  My man and I are going away on holiday this Friday and we both can�t wait.  I have spoken with my dad who advised keeping my distance for a while, I think he is right but I don�t want to leave it for too long because she does live on her own, and I hate the thought of her being lonely when she does have a daughter who lives in the same city.  The silly thing is that in my ideal life, I would like to be that kind of girl, that met with her mum, had coffee and went shopping together.  I'm still not too sure what to do; I might just send her a post card from Corfu, and leave the ball in her court to get in touch when I get home.  Great response to my problem though.  Thanks.