Adoption

[Halifaxmum]

I have had an email from a website I registered with a few years ago, in a vain attempt to trace my birth mother. It says she is shocked but she has left her email address.

I'm totally screwed up by this. I've been trying to trace her since I was 18. It was a private adoption in the early 70s so there's very little information on the official records. I have always been desperate to trace her as my adoptive parents died when I was 9 and 16 and I've got a step-mother who doesn't give a flying one about me or my kids.

What do I do? I'm dying to ask 1001 questions, but I don't want to scare her off.

[Whoever]

Your mother is probably feeling as screwed up as you are at the moment, and she too probably has thousands of questions she wants to ask.

The advice to take things slowly is sensible. "More Haste, Less Speed" in this case means you could be tempted to rush in and ask all the questions you want to ask her in an accidentally thoughtless way and she could feel totally overwhelmed and back off.

Why not start by just sending her a short friendly e-mail telling her the basics about yourself - what you do, where you live, what your current family relationships are? If you've got a recent photo, attach it to your email if you know how to do this.

Then give her time to absorb this and don't hassle her. . If and when she's ready to move to the next stage, she'll respond and you can slowly move on from there.

In the meantime, write down all the questions you want to ask, and gradually you can incorporate them in your e-mails. Good luck, and hopefully if time you'll be able to meet up with your mother and get to know her better..

[pusskin]

dotty + Whoever! wise words spoken, couldnt have put it any better myself.

Good luck again Halixmum, please keep us posted x

[parkie]

Hi Halifaxmum. I've been reading your story and the replies you have had with interest. I have never been in either your, or your mum's situation but I am able to look at it from an outsider's point of view.
You said in your last message, "you don't care". And yet you obviously do or you would not have taken this step in the first place.
It may be difficult for you but try and put yourself in your mum's shoes for a moment. She has been living with this action she took all those years ago and, no matter what the reason for letting you go, she, in all likelihood has been regretting it ever since.
Now, out of the blue, she is confronted with the daughter she let go.
She has said she wants to keep in touch and that is a very positive step. She could well have rejected any offers of contact as some in her position do.
The next step is to maybe exchange a few e-mails. Tell her something about your present situation so that she gets to know you a bit better and maybe get more info about hers.
Arrange, eventually, to meet on neutral ground, as suggested, and you may even find her volunteering the information you want without asking.
Patience is the watchword.You cannot hurry this or you may lose her altogether.
I wish you all the best of luck.

[Halifaxmum]

Hello my lovely ab friends

Thank you for being so understanding - you really help me to cope

I've plucked up the courage and emailed her back, she's quite guarded - I suppose that's to be expected - she's asked about my school life, health and family.

I hope I'm not being naive to think this is genuine - I know some people are so mean, I'm not being stupid am i?

[pusskin]

I've been hoping that you would post back halifaxmum!

been thinking of you often since your posting , and been wishing you loads of success as time goes by! looks very good so far, and that is uplifting.
Correspondance and chatting about your life is so important for now. (for now)
I am genuingly interested in your situation, and can only wish you all that I could have at one time, wished for myself
. x pusskins

[Halifaxmum]

Puss - thank you so much, it is very comforting to read your comments.

We are exchanging emails now, but I am volunteering information as and when she asks, she is much more reluctant, tends to give me one word answers. But I suppose it's better than nothing, after all I've been waiting for this since I was 18...! x

[pusskin]

Hi Halixmum! ah, thanks for that --pleased that you appreciate my replies.
have you spoken to outsiders about your situation? it may get a lot off of your chest, to speak freely and pour out all your worries and fears about what could happen next?
my councelling saved me from cracking up completely, and dont know how I'd have coped without it. As I've said before , I am following your posts and I really do feel for you, and hope for nothing but the best for you and your new found mum x

[pusskin]

Hi again. I must correct my mistake in saying what year it was when my life changed for the better! I said it was 1994, and that isnt correct, it was 2004. Cannot understand why I put that date down. Maybe its because of my dads passing at that time ? .