How long does it take?

[Big Jenny]

How long does it take to get over your children leaving home? My 21 year old son has just moved out, and even though I know it will probably be the best thing he ever did, it still hurts like hell. I wander about the house, bursting into tears at the silliest thing - his empty bedroom, a picture he once drew for me etc. - and I can't believe I'll EVER get used to him not being around. He comes to see me quite regularly, and I'm fine while he's here, until it's time for him to go, and then I can't stop the tears. I don't want my ridiculous blubbering to make him reluctant to visit, but I still can't stop it happening. Will it ever get better?

[soonny]

I'm not a parent so I don't know. But I'm speaking on behalf of your 21 year old son. Trust me, I believe he's feeling the same as you do. Because my situation was very similar to your son. I've replied in the other topic about me having trouble with my mom... :)

For now, I guess it's better you just keep your mind occupied on something else. Nobody knows when you'll be able to get over it but find comfort in knowing that you've been a good mother in preparing him for the world. You don't want your son to stick to you forever no?

And why do I get this feeling... that me saying all this are just gonna be redundant since you already know. But perhaps you don't realize that you are not alone... Here's a big hug for you. *hugs* ^_^

take care!

[silly moo]

I am a parent of two children who have left home.
Surely you have spent the last 21 years preparing both yourself and your son for this point in your lives?
I honestly don't understand why you would want him to stay at home. I love my children, I will ALWAYS love my children, and I miss them, but I am enjoying having my partner to myself.
I also feel proud that they are both capable of living happy fulfilled lives out there in the world.
It might help if you imagine you still living at home!

[Big Jenny]

Thanks to both soonny and silly moo for your replies.

To soonny - thanks for your hug and comforting words.

To silly moo - Of course I knew my son would eventually leave home, but I think I am more upset than I should be because he has left due to constant arguments with his father. He can't really afford to leave, but it got to the point where he just couldn't bear to be under the same roof as his dad a moment longer. Now, of course, I resent my husband - seeing him as the reason our son left home. It also hurts that he has gone to live with his girlfriend's family. It perhaps wouldn't have been so bad if they had got a place of their own, but to move out of his own family home and into another seems like a total rejection.

[andy hughes]

Hi Big Jenny, it does seem that the issue is not your son leaving home, but the manner and reasons behind his leaving that are hurting you.

If circumstances at home were so bad that he felt he needed to move out, then that is probably the best thing - what you have to do now is adjust to your 'new' relationship with your son as an independent adult.

Stay in close touch with him, and try and get your husband to stay in touch as well. Distance is a wonderful healer for parent / child riffs, and once the dust has settled, and these two can regard each other as equals - mature adults - then the shift in their relationship may well prove positive as well.

It's early days yet, but once things settle down, I'm sure they will start to improve.

[AliFlump]

Hi Jenny, my brother left home to live with his girlfriend, he and my mum used to have arguements but now they get on really well and he speaks to her about his problems.

as for your son moving in with his girlfriend, my boyfriend moved in with me and my family because we had a long distance relationship and wanted to be together but couldnt afford a house at that time but he still made time to go and visit his mum and they are still very close, he talks to her about everything

please dont worry, your son is happy and it may have caused problems between you and him or your husband  if he had stayed. since my brother and i left home my parents have been taking trips out and really enjoying their time together. you've cared for your son for 21 years, now its your time x

[silly moo]

Sorry Big Jenny.
As my two left under happier circumstances - to go to uni - and as your son is 21 I mistakenly assumed you were in the same situation.
I can more easily understand your strong emotional upset now.
Others seem to have given very good advice, and I hope all the relationships improve with time and space.

[mycatis]

OH God, my son is only little (nine) but I totally sympathise with you Jenny. I am dreading the day he leaves, I cry (in private) everytime he has another birthday cause it means it's one day closer LOL
Please keep in touch and tell us when it gets easier x x x

[Big Jenny]

Hi mycatis,
I certainly didn't start worrying about him leaving home as early as you have. Perhaps I should have done, and I might've been better-prepared by now!!

I think it's getting easier already. I haven't shed a tear for TWO WHOLE DAYS. He pops in nearly every day, and it's getting easier to say "Cheerio", because I know he'll be back again before long.

I saw this little piece in a newspaper article, and it couldn't be more true:

"..once you become a mother, you are placed permanently on a rack, beset by dread that one day something terrible will happen to your child, which you cannot prevent."

It applies whether they're 4 or 40.

[pamnez]

My eldest son left home when he married at aged 25.  About 2 weeks after he left, I woke up in the night and I sobbed like a baby.  I was wailing and crying and my hubby could not console me.  When spoke to my doctor, I told him that I felt as if I had suffered a bereavement and he said that he could understand that.  Once you see your son happily settled, you will feel much better about it. My sons have been gone 12 and 10 years respectively and I still miss them but the crying has stopped. I also see them regularly and they both have lovely wives so that helps a lot.

[Big Jenny]

Thanks, pamnez.  It's good to know it will get better.  I'm lucky in that I, too, get on well with my son's girlfriend.  They have been popping in quite often, and I think the atmosphere between him and his Dad is already improving.  His Dad was the reason he left home in the first place, but maybe it's not too late for them to salvage some kind of father/son relationship after all.