Leaving Dad on His Own

[milly143]

I'm after some advice from people outside the family, so here I am. I'm 27 and have been living with my Dad for about 8 years, which was only supposed to be one year originally. Ive been with the bf for a few years and we've decided it's really about time we got our own place together. It's something that we've talked about for a long time but there have always been reasons to stop us. We're both fed up now and want to think about ourselves and our relationship and put that first now. The problem is I'm very worried about how my Dad's going to take it. He gets on well with the bf so that's not an issue but I'm pretty sure he can't afford our current house on his own. We currently rent and split rent and bills rough 50/50. So firstly it would probably mean he would have to move, again. He is also in fairly poor health at the moment althoug I don't know to what extent as he doesn't tell me the full truth but I'm worried about something happening to him while he is on his own. I'm also worried about him just being on his own in general. He doesn't really have any social life, which doesn't seem to bother him but he does like to chat. He has 7 children (I'm the youngest) but there is only 1 other who lives really local, the others all spread all over the country. The more I think about it the more I worry about it. I'm a bit worried he expects me to live with him until he pops his clogs. How hould I broach this with him? Anyone else been in a similar postion? He is 62 if that means anything.

[mollykins]

My dads 62 and i'm the youngest of four. Although I'm not quite ready to move out, he likes the idea of me being independent and would rather me go to a uni the other side of the country if it meant I got a good education and enjoyed it, rather than staying at home and going to a nearby one.

[ummmm]

Can't your boyfriend move in with you and your Dad?

[ummmm]

Molly - your dad has a wife..

[mazie]

Bit of a dilemma you have on your hands milly. Is he easy to talk to? if so. I would just chat through what you are thinking of doing in the future and explain that you are worried about him, especially his health, he needs to tell you what is wrong so you can make a clear judgement. If you are renting your current property it should be easy for your Dad to get a smaller property within his price range (Does he still work?) These things often seem much worse before you muster the courage to discuss them. Just say you haven't made any firm decision yet and you would like to have his imput. If he loves you he will understand that you need to have your own life now. You are bound to be worried but you may feel better after your chat with your Dad. Good luck with it xx

[mccfluff]

you need to have a chat with him milly, don;t tell him you are def goign , just that you are thinking along those lines and how doe she feel about it etc etc. i'm sur eyou can work something out, i doubt he expects things will stay the same forever

[horseshoes]

How about looking for a house with a completely self-contained granny flat (or in your case Grandad flat). They tend to work well.

[milly143]

Ummmm point is right Molly. Your Dad has your Mum, and he probably isn't partially dependant on you financially.

Bf moving in with me and Dad is possible logistically, but we really don't want to do that. The only real issue with our relationship is not having any time on our own. We currently have to skulk upstairs if we want to be on our own. It's a bit like we are 15 again. Plus, we've been talking alot about future plans, family of our own etc and although this might sound selfish - who wants their Dad around in the same house for all of that.

He does still work full time but it's obvious it's becoming harder for him. He had a mini stroke last year and having smoked very very heavily for about 40 years I believe he now has some sort of lung condition. This is the thing he won't tell me about. He can be easy to talk to sometimes but other times he is very hard to talk to. He does have little strops like a teenager (wonder where I get it from) and won't speak to you at all. For months at a time on some occasions. That is something I desperately want to avoid.

[mazie]

You need to grasp the nettle milly. at 27 and in a strong relationship, it's time for you now. As I said earlier if he loves you he will understand. It's not like you are abandoning him totally. how far away are you thinking of going?

[ummmm]

Yeah...I understand that. I have my nephew here and it's not good for the sex life...

[milly143]

lol. exactly!

Shouldn't be too far Mazie. BF is currently looking for a new job so it depends on that but probably win about 20 miles.

[trt]

Milly I am a little older than your father and like being on my own. I like the freedom of being able to use the bathroom when I want, choose what tv programme I like to watch, cook when I want to, break wind without being embarrassed and can walk about naked if I wish. :-)

I had my son (28) stay with me for 5 days last year and although I love him very much, I was glad to see the back of him :-)

[karenmac60]

Trt has a point Milly. Maybe your dad would like his own space but doesn't want to upset you or make you feel you're not welcome. As others have said, you really do need to talk about this. Is he too young for some sort of sheltered accommodation? He may find he has lots more company and support somewhere like that. In my area t one of the HAs are currently building a small scheme exclusively for over 60s to rent - if you had something like that in your area he might find he could make lots of new friends. But the first hurdle is to talk and see what you both want for the future. Good luck x

[milly143]

That's a good point. For all I know he is sitting here now resenting that he has just cooked his adult daughter dinner again and wishing he could just get on his motorbike and ride off to Cornwall and not come back but can't for the sake of me. Suppose I just need to pick my time now. Thanks for all the advice as always.

[tamborine]

62 - he's in his prime & not a pensioner yet ! You've described my bruv but his d'ters aren't Milly. Methinks he would love his own space & when he gets bored he can take a lodged or a gf. Any wonder he gets annoyed with you if you treat him like he's about to 'pop his clogs'.

[milly143]

I never said he gets annoyed with me. He might but I won't admit it. And in reference to him popping his clogs, that's just the way we are in this house. The fact he will die one day is not a tabboo subject. I regularly give him a list of things I demand be left to me upon his demise (and the crap I don't want) as the measily 64p I will get in inheritance just won't cut it! ;o)

[hc4361]

Talk to him. As simple as that.
You'll be surprised.

[tamborine]

Milly, tell him you want to move out with your bf. Suggest holidays he can take & freedom he will have without worrying about you.

My bruv has gone to OZ & his girls keep wailing & weeping how much they miss him - he tells me this & I've said not to worry they can come to me if in distress; truth is they dont want him to find a gf.

[milly143]

I'd love him to have a girlfriend! He'd be so lovely to a woman but he had one relationship after he got divorced and I think he lost interest fter that.

[boxtops]

Milly, I lived with my mum (in her eighties at that time) when my first marriage broke up. I intended to go back for six months and stayed six years. Like you it was a good arrangement - but we split living when she decided to go into sheltered housing (so the other way round from you) but she was desperately worried as to how I would manage! - it was the jolt I needed to get my independence again.

Your dad is actually younger that I am now, it is not old to find a little place of his own. The trouble is, you settle into a very comfortable rut, and he probably doesn't want to think about an empty house if you leave - but most parents would want their children to find a happy life independent of them.

Talk to him - you may be surprised at his reaction - he'll probably be upset at first but I hope he will come round. If he's not well you can always get him one of those Medic-Alert alarms - my mum had one, she found it a great comfort to know that someone would come if she fell or felt ill.