domestic abuse anh charge?

[laurisa]

ok so bassically me and my boyfriend had an argument and he got a little violent, he just shoved me at first and walked away but i followed him and he pinned me to the floor. i called the police because i was scared and he tried to leave but i wouldnt let him before the police showed up. so the scrap got a bit worse there was some hair pulling and shoving going on, then i said something to him that i knew i shouldnt and he hit me and bit my arm. the police showed up shortly after that and took him away, they took my statement and he had to go to court, he pleaded not guilty and now its going to trial. he's out on court bail at the moment but part of the conditions are that he cant come home. im all messed up now because i want him home, im not frightened of him he's never been violent before and im pretty confident he never would be again, our relationship has always been fine. i think the whole situation just got completly out of hand. i have since withdrawn my statement to the police and told them that i am not frightened and would like for him to come home or at least for me to be able to speak to him to sort this out, i have heard through a family friend that he would like to do this too. i cant pay the rent without him and am missing him dearly is there anything i can do about the bail condition?
i realize im going to get alot of people saying i am stupid and that if hes violent once he'll be violent again and a few weeks ago i probably would have agreed with you but this isn't the kind of situation where he believes he was right in doing this he is genuinly sorry and is seeking help. if anyone could give me some advice i would apreciate that greatly.
thanks.

[laurisa]

i dont want to start a great debate at the end of the day, sometimes life works sometimes life doesn't.

[bednobs]

Anyway, as has been said, there is probably nothing you can do about the bail condition, and you would be putting him in great danger if you do move back in with him while it's still in place or contact him if the bail condition says he cant have contact with you.
As a personal aside i would operate a "cry wolf" policy in the case of domestic violence if i was in charge of the world. If you waste huge resources and time calling for help only to rescind it all later, your name would come up on a list, and when you phone next time, when he's strangling you for instance the operator would just put the phone down

[laurisa]

well then that would make you a not very nice person, sorry but it would. when something bad happens anyones first instinct would be to phone the people who through your whole life you've been told will help you i.e. the police. it's not crying wolf if it acctually happend. espesially when you are not aware of what will happen after the fact. not in my case but i am aware that in some cases women will call the police and take it back because they are terrified of their partner and are so worn down and beaten that they do not believe they can live without them so they have them back, are you going to condem them to death with your little 'list' that comment in my opinion was quite sick and i feel its quite cruel to voice it so maybe keep it to yourself next time.

[bednobs]

no thanks, it's a public site. And anyway, my world order wont affect you will it as you are so sure you'll never be in the same position again.
Waht i'm saying is that it might make silly, silly women think twice about trying to "withdraw" allegations after it hasn't worked out as they wanted it to, but worked out according to law!

[laurisa]

you know i am very much trying to not say what i really think of you, maybe if the police asked you if u wanted to press charges or told you what happens before they just go ahead and do it anyway alot of things would be alot different. i can confidently assume that you yourself have never been in a situation like this and would recomend that if you have no idea about it then dont bother saying things just to get under other peoples skin because you have nothing better to do.

[sara3]

I've done some work with the police and I recall one officer telling me how peed off they were with women who call 999 because their partner has done something to terrify them, they turn up and the woman later says, "but I love him!"

and then they have to repeat the whole cycle, because that's generally how it works.

[bednobs]

but i do have an idea, and i have answered your question.
The police wont ask you if you want to press charges, because it's not up to you to press charges, it's up to the CPS (which is why you are finding you CAN'T withdraw them)
I am honestly not trying to get under your skin, just trying to make you THINK

[Carakeel]

Laurissa, many people on here have been where you are now and have learned the hard or the easy way that this is not a type of relationship that will ever work long term or will ever be safe! Everything you have said, every reason you have given to stay has heard before. Please, please listen to what people are saying, before it is too late and you find yourself in hospital fighting for your life, or worse! A relationship that is truly worth keeping, has a chance of lasting and being a happy one involves two people who have a great deal of respect for each other, an extremely strong friendship and a deep seated love. Together these three vital features are what in a crisis prevents partners from being physically violent to one another. Without these three features there is no chance of a strong, lasting, honest relationship. Sometimes people believe they have these three features, when in reality what they may have is a dependency (on money (i.e. rent) or an emotional and sexual satisfaction. They have a fear of being without a partner or having to live alone and sometimes people are not actually in love with their partner, but in love with “being in love”. This isn't always an easy thing to recognise in oneself. These things can cloud our vision of what is good for us and what is worth pursuing. Life is too short and so living with the aim of making every moment count as a positive one is important. Please don’t waste your life on someone who is capable of being violent towards you or someone you could yourself be violent to. Many people on her understand what you have been through, because they have been there themselves. Myself included, many years ago. Please, don’t dismiss what they are advising, but listen and learn from their experiences. It would be dreadful if history repeated itself. Take care!

[Carakeel]

apologies for the typos.

[laurisa]

i am aware i can not drop the charges and do not wish to i simply want his bail conditions changed. and i know that can be done i just wasn't aware of how. and believe me i have been thinking ALOT about everything, so no im not just blinded by love.

[Carakeel]

good. I hope everything works out for you.

[laurisa]

thank you for your advice cara,
i do apreciate that people are trying to help and i understand that some may have been throught the same thing also but can anyone really be expected to learn form others mistakes?

[rowanwitch]

What you will find is on here people care what happens to others...and many of the posters are older and wiser as a result of living through terrible things in their lives.... and you can learn from others mistakes...when a message is consistent from many people it's probably worth taking it on board...and approach this situation with a great deal of caution your eyes wide open and if possible with your feelings held firmly in check....

Great answer Carakeel by the way

[Purple_Popple]

I really do feel for you Laurisa, a difficult and confusing situation to be in. Been there, got the t-shirt and scars inside & out to prove it. He ruined what life i had at the time and Im still piecing it together after a few years, I did love him, unconditionally, i think that is why we keep going back...thought i could change him, thought he would change, but it only gets worse, i was too weak to leave him, one soppy word from him and id go running back to start afresh, only for something to start it off again, the slightest thing. Im not with him now though....that was a long time ago.

[Carakeel]

Thank you rowanwitch. x
You are right, many of us really do care what happens to people on here. When I read things like laurissa's story, it makes me worry for her and others in her situation. It brings back so many memories. My own experiences eventually lead to me chosing to stay on my own for 20 years while raising my 3 children. The abuse done to me had distroyed my confidence and my feeling of self worth. In time, I learned to value myself a lot more, to like myself again and to look at things more realistically. Sometimes we need to listen not only to others, but less to our hearts and more to our heads! Then one day, when I wasn't looking, ratter15 found me ... I sometimes think he rescued me! In the 6 years we have known each other, we have never had nasty words, never been verbally or physically abusive, never been dishonest with each other. We have both been through an awful lot in our lives and now are rewarded with the most loving, caring and fun relationship! And ... if we can win the lottery ... we will get married this year, lol!

[Purple_Popple]

Comforting and gives us all hope Carakeel :) - I hope someone comes to 'rescue' me soon...thank you :) x

[albaqwerty]

I was with an idot for just over a year. Took me a heck of a long time (in my view) to rediscover myself and like myself and be cofident enough.Hubby and I (who wasn't the idiot) have been reasonably happy for over 20 years now. If I said everything has been hunky-dorey, then that's a fib, but raising hands, no. Violence no.