confused

[Anonie_Mouse]

I have been married to my husband for four years and have a fantastic relationship with him - my true soul mate. I joined a new company a few months ago and have found myself attracted to one of the men here. Now please dont get me wrong i would NEVER do anything but just find it so confusing to suddenly have an attraction to someone who is not my husband. I suppose i dont have a real question, just wanted to know that other people out there get a strong attraction like this without looking for anything else. I have quite a flirty nature - this has always been the case - so im just worried that this guy will get the wrong impression. Im sure this is probably completely nothing but its so alien to me i thought id write it down!


Argh! I am well aware this probably makes no sense! :)

[MrsLeeG]

If you have a very good relationship with your husband then yes you should tell him, you could explain that this attraction has taken you by surprise and you just wanted to assure him that albeit you find this other guy attractive you will never do anything about it and you just needed to talk about it. Best of luck!

[emmie]

If you do tell him good luck, but how would you feel if the boot was on the other foot, and he told you he had an attraction to a woman in his office?

[DTCwordfan]

If you are that open and sure with each other, then perhaps you could build a mutual fantasy scenario for some fun in the bedroom, but I wouldnt risk it if there is any risk of hesistancy or jealosy between you - as em says, what happens the other way around.

By the way did you see the price of those things - almost enough to send one into chastity without the belt

Bedtops, pmsl.......

[DTCwordfan]

And for clarity, bedtops, they are for golf as, for the ultimate thrill, one is always seeking a hole in one.

Excuse the crudeness of this, but I could not resist it.

[Wak]

Maybe this new guy has a hidden characteristic which reminds you of your husband and that's why you fancy him??
Just remind yourself that you already have the original and don't want another copy.

[beso]

"Chemistry" is not a myth. Women have a much more sensitive sense of smell than men for a good reason. They can literally smell the immune system of another person and are attracted to men who have a an immunology that would be benificial to any childrien they had together.

Moreover it is perfectly natural to be attracted to other people. You have a good relationship with your partner and hence relationships with other people in general seem like a good thing. Most relationships eventually have to deal with this issue in one form or another.

You say you are flirty and that reinforces the concept that you like that kind of interaction. It is only possible because you are in a really good relationship. It is something that "players" would not understand and miss out on an innocent and joyous interation with other people.

You know the flirting is an acknowledgement of the potential and that potential is always going to be far more rewardng than what actually would go down if you follwed up on it. A fantasy is rarely surpassed by the reality because it can be anything you want.

There is a good chance that you have also detected this attitude in the guy at work. Deep down you know it is probably safe with him because you sense that he understands the game. If you had the slightest doubt that he would get serious you would not be having that kind of interaction. It is probably the same for him.

But even when you know intellectually and emotionally where you stand, there is always the animal instinct and this guy is ticking all the right boxes. The fact that he apparently understands your nature is also telling your body he is your kind of guy.

Repressing it is not always the best solution. The problem with repression is the fantasy only presents the attraction and then stops. The positives are repeatedly reinforced and this is likely to build it despite your intent.

A better way to deal with it is indulge the fantasy. Picture what would happen if you got off with this guy. You probably think I am crazy but read on about what is really important in that visualisation. I am speaking here from personal experience.

By all means imagine the excitement but don't neglect to imagine the destruction of your marriage, the hurt caused upon both you and your husband and the shame that you would feel about your actions. This will bring you back to Earth. Unless you take this aspect on, you are simply reinforcing the attraction. You need to expose your psyche to the bigger picture.

I have been through this and like you I repressed it because I was very devoted to my partner. Then it started appearing in dreams which was really scary and I repressed it all the more. But the subconscious is a powerful part of us and one morning when I woke up after a dream where I had just made out with the other person (and thoroughly enjoyed it) I knew I was in real trouble.

With no better idea I decided to ask my partner for help. It led to a defining episode in our lives together. I wasn't the only one who had struggled with this and their story was far more intriguing than mine. I was cured instantly but we had a lot to work on.

[Khandro]

For heavens sake, - don't tell your husband ! You hope to gain some merit by telling him you fancy someone else, but you are being strong, not following your impulses and nothing is happening. It will send out completely the wrong message, and he will probably be suspicious. Grow up a bit and just avoid the guy.

[beso]

What can be gained by sharing it with her husband is a strong message about honesty and emotional intimacy. It also is an opportunity to gain a deeper understanding of their own relationship.

When I told my partner about my dream I explained how I felt so ashamed and how I didn't know how to deal with it. It worked for us.

[bednobs]

i'm not sure about the smelling the immun system beso. if that was the case, people who had a crap one would never get a g/f!

[Khandro]

beso, it's not about being honest, it's about how the other person interprets what you are saying, and I would suggest there is scope here for misinterpretation and misunderstanding. As it is claimed this is all innocent, it is better leave it out completely.

[Anonie_Mouse]

Thanks everyone for your opinions. I thought long and hard about this and decided to speak to my husband about it. I told him that there was someone i found attractive and i found the feelings deeply confusing and he was really supportive about it. Told me to stop getting myself in a tizzy over nothing and that our love and marriage would outdo any passing feelings. I assured him that i would not act on this attraction and he told me that i did not require to say that to him as he knows me so well and knows i wouldnt/couldnt do that to him.

So so glad i got it all out in the open. I have arrived at work just looking forward to the day, not the drama!