Crosswords3 mins ago
Finished with married man and desperately upset
53 Answers
A few months ago I posted that I had been seeing a married man for over two years and that I wanted to break free, but was finding it desperately hard to do so. Your comments were all similar in that it was heading nowhere but heartbreak.
Today I finally managed to end the relationship, after many, many false starts in which I would always take him back.
We hadn't actually met up for over a year. His wife was constantly ill and it meant she was at home all day and he couldn't risk my travelling the 150 miles to meet him for a few hours in case she was suspicious. She had found out about us early on, but they decided to stay together for the sake of the children and he pretended to her it was over with me.
She, meanwhile, led a full social life with weekends away, but didn't trust her husband to do the same and he was terrified he'd be found out again and kicked out of the house.
So anyway this non-meeting but daily calls and texts went on for a year, and finally this week he said he could drive to see me at the weekend. I've got things planned and told him so, and asked how he could possibly get away without suspicion if he wouldn't let me pop up during the week?
I realised then that, although I had longed to see him, the reality meant more lying to his wife and more deception, and I would still be left without him as he went back to her after his visit.
So I told him I can't do this anymore. I told him that his marriage is obviously still viable and that even though he classifies himself as separated, that isn't the case at all. He still pretends he is a faithful husband and panders to her every whim, and I simply can't do it anymore.
It's been a terrible ending, and not the one I envisaged at all. He wants nothing to do with me anymore after all my false endings in the past, and I just need some support in getting over this. He was such a massive part of my life and although I have a busy life he was a touchstone each day, a friend to chat to and we really did have a special bond.
Any help here would be hugely appreciated. I feel like I'm in mourning.
Today I finally managed to end the relationship, after many, many false starts in which I would always take him back.
We hadn't actually met up for over a year. His wife was constantly ill and it meant she was at home all day and he couldn't risk my travelling the 150 miles to meet him for a few hours in case she was suspicious. She had found out about us early on, but they decided to stay together for the sake of the children and he pretended to her it was over with me.
She, meanwhile, led a full social life with weekends away, but didn't trust her husband to do the same and he was terrified he'd be found out again and kicked out of the house.
So anyway this non-meeting but daily calls and texts went on for a year, and finally this week he said he could drive to see me at the weekend. I've got things planned and told him so, and asked how he could possibly get away without suspicion if he wouldn't let me pop up during the week?
I realised then that, although I had longed to see him, the reality meant more lying to his wife and more deception, and I would still be left without him as he went back to her after his visit.
So I told him I can't do this anymore. I told him that his marriage is obviously still viable and that even though he classifies himself as separated, that isn't the case at all. He still pretends he is a faithful husband and panders to her every whim, and I simply can't do it anymore.
It's been a terrible ending, and not the one I envisaged at all. He wants nothing to do with me anymore after all my false endings in the past, and I just need some support in getting over this. He was such a massive part of my life and although I have a busy life he was a touchstone each day, a friend to chat to and we really did have a special bond.
Any help here would be hugely appreciated. I feel like I'm in mourning.
Answers
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sallyann16 - you are reacting normally at this early stage in your break-up - picking over details and wondering if the whole thing was worth all this time, and now this agony.
This is not a good process to follow - what good will it do? yes, you think you will feel better for knowing if your man has been a liar, but that just feels like it will make your grief and loss easier - it won't.
Part of a relationship like the one you have had is agreeing to close off certain areas of his life, and not explore them - however tempting that feels now. It will either leave you feeling even more hurt, or hurt just the same. What it won;t do is actually help you to feel any better, and anything that doesn't help is to be abandoned right now, you need all your energy to get through the days, don't waste it on analysing and hurting yourself more, it's no good.
This is not a good process to follow - what good will it do? yes, you think you will feel better for knowing if your man has been a liar, but that just feels like it will make your grief and loss easier - it won't.
Part of a relationship like the one you have had is agreeing to close off certain areas of his life, and not explore them - however tempting that feels now. It will either leave you feeling even more hurt, or hurt just the same. What it won;t do is actually help you to feel any better, and anything that doesn't help is to be abandoned right now, you need all your energy to get through the days, don't waste it on analysing and hurting yourself more, it's no good.
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Andy and Chinadog thank you - I do need harsh words and certainly no sympathy. I knew what I was getting into and went into it innocently having been told a divorce was imminent. My error was in not leaving after his wife rung me to say I was to leave him alone. That's when I should've gone, so I only have myself to blame and I know that. I can't believe I became the sort of deluded woman who hung on hoping for a happy ending. I'll be meeting 20 year old waiters in the Gambia next!
Verdict..... unanimous.....following an "in depth " discussion.
You savoured the delights, the highs and the lows of a illicit relationship, with the words " excitement" and "thrills" featuring prominently in the discussion and these cannot be taken away from you.
However this has now come to an end due to you own volition and however painful it may be.....move on.
AB in our opinion is not the answer................!!
You savoured the delights, the highs and the lows of a illicit relationship, with the words " excitement" and "thrills" featuring prominently in the discussion and these cannot be taken away from you.
However this has now come to an end due to you own volition and however painful it may be.....move on.
AB in our opinion is not the answer................!!
this man has had you dangling on a piece of string for too long, you have been first reserve, left in limbo just in case he wants to boost his ego.
Wake up and smell the coffee,hopefully you have come to your senses and soon will be able to move on.Even if he was to be widowed there is no guarantee he would choose you, there may be others.
Good luck with the rest of your life but try and make it the golden rule no more married men find one of your very own who will commit to you.
Wake up and smell the coffee,hopefully you have come to your senses and soon will be able to move on.Even if he was to be widowed there is no guarantee he would choose you, there may be others.
Good luck with the rest of your life but try and make it the golden rule no more married men find one of your very own who will commit to you.
It takes two to tango, and you've both enjoyed the dance.
Now it's over, and eventually sally you will see that's for the best.
It will take a while, but you will get over him and now you must move on. To a single man who can commit to you, if that is what you both want
Good luck x
(Those without sin, cast the first stone......) ;-)
Now it's over, and eventually sally you will see that's for the best.
It will take a while, but you will get over him and now you must move on. To a single man who can commit to you, if that is what you both want
Good luck x
(Those without sin, cast the first stone......) ;-)
Sorry but having being in the position of the wife I am with Ellie.
Its hard now but imagine the lies he must have told - and I suspect not just to his wife too.
You are in a fantastic position now with the whole of your life in front of you to go out and find someone who is not a lying toe rag
Have a bit of fun finding him too
Its hard now but imagine the lies he must have told - and I suspect not just to his wife too.
You are in a fantastic position now with the whole of your life in front of you to go out and find someone who is not a lying toe rag
Have a bit of fun finding him too
Guys, thank you. I have been totally implicit in these lies and deceptions as well and i don't have a leg to stand on (or bed to lie on!) when it comes to being Miss Innocent. I definitely think women who attach themselves to unavailable men have issues of their own and maybe I need to confront my own to break the pattern. Married Man will never change now but I know I can. Thank you all, and to Sqad's Squad as well!
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