Teen facebook trouble

[Meg888]

I learned yesterday that my 14yr old daughter has multiple facebook accounts. This is due to my monitoring the only one I thought she had. I try not to invade her privacy too much, but she has dyspraxia and mild learning difficulties, so she is quite guillable. I told her she would only be allowed on FB if I can monitor her account, as in the past I've found stuff i.e. found she's being bullied and had stuff stolen from her by so-called friends, so I think it's fair that I have access to it.

She had her first boyfriend this summer for a few weeks until I learned he was almost 17 (he has similar problems to my daughter), when I found this out I encouraged her to end it with him, which wasn't that hard because he was seeing loads of girls behind her back anyway. I have also heard that she has been trying to arrange to go meet with him, along with a mutual friend via these secret FB accounts. She has supposedly been talking & trying to meet boys off FB with her friend. I was horrified when I heard all this (my step-daughter told her dad - my partner). I've looked on FB & have found all the accounts, I know she has definitely trying to meet up with her summer BF, but as for meeting strangers yet, I don't know. I've not had a chance to have it out with her as she is at her dad's at the mo. I'm going to have to tell her dad and work out what to do. I just can't believe she's been so guillable, to try and meet strangers (if true) I've constantly told her about the dangers of this, and more so since she trawls FB?? I think she must be thinking she's safe because her friend is in tow?

[China Doll]

Well if she has learning difficulties as you say then maybe the message about personal safety isn't quite as engrained yet and you just have to keep discussing it with her. You can discuss it furhter when you talk to her about meeting strangers but I guess you can't really be angry with her about that until you talk to her and know for a fact that is what she has been doing. Do you keep the computer in a family room? It might be a good idea to do that if you don't already as it's a lot more difficult to be secretive that way, although admittedly not impossible.

[daffy654]

Download a computer program called K9 Web Protection and block Facebook on any PCs in your home with it, also try to convince her dad to do the same at his home. If she has a mobile phone with internet access then I have no idea whether it can be blocked on that.

[Meg888]

Hi China, she does most of her FB on her blackberry phone, I have a PC as well but she hardly bothers with it. I'm not angry with her, I'm upset, I feel sick she (may have) jeopordised her safety. Even the BF - if she did meet him, was only after one thing at the time of them going out, and I told he he's older than her and they clearly have different ideas about a relationship.

[Meg888]

PS she's getting an iphone for christmas, I don't have a clue about the tech side of things - I know I can block her talking to people on the PC, but she also has BBM at the mo - does the iphone have anything like this?

[bednobs]

take her blackberry away then

[bednobs]

and don't get her the iphine

[China Doll]

I agree with bednobs. Maybe not permentantly but until she understands how to be safe online. There's no point in being upset, discussing it with her and still giving her the means to do what is causing you to worry.

[bednobs]

also, she has deliberately been decietful in order to circumvent your express wishes - another really good reason not to give her a really expensive christmas present. What on earth does a 14 year old need an iphone for anyway/?

[Meg888]

Yes I'm thinking a full facebook ban & taking her phone from her while she's in the house. The reason I won't completely take her phone is because she walks home from school. Depending on what I find out, I may contact the other girls parents and tell them if I find they have been meeting boys. Her dad has bought her the iphone, I tried to get him to wait until her 15th next year at least, but he's already got it.

[bednobs]

well i walked home from school without a mobile phone between the ages of about 8 and 16. Why does a phone have to accompany a walk home from school? If someone were to jump out and attack her (which is what you are worried about i assume?) she wouldn't have time to get her phone out anyway.
if you still think a 14 year old "needs" a phone then you can get a perfectly adequate pay and go one for about £15.
Not that it's any of my business anyway but it would seem to me that she'll just spend 5 minutes longer on the walk home and surf the net then!

[Nosha123]

Its a shame you dont know someone who works with the police or a child charity that could tell her a few scary stories to make her realise the internet is not always a safe and innocent place!!! FB messages is one thing - arranging to meet with people you have never actually spoken to before is another!

[Nosha123]

I think you need to discuss with your partner and agree a suitable punishment for her secretive behaviour! She needs to understand the repercussions of her actions

[joko]

banning her from using it will not stop her...she will just use a friends or go ot the library - and then you will have no way of knowing at all...

far better to let her use them and just monitor them from afar... that way you will have proper info and can step in if something happens

its kind of like 'better the devil you know'

i would alos suggest buying her an online safety book aimed at teens or get some leaflets etc...

best thing to do is give her the ability to make the right choices

i know when i was a teen, i would not have taken a blind bit of notice if banned...and id probably have just been angry at my folks - you want her to feel you are on her side in this and not just trying to stop her having fun...which is what most teens seem to think

[Meg888]

Thanks all of you for your replies. We have banned her indefinitely from FB, and to be honest she's the type of kid who will usually take this punishment on board when she know's we mean business. It turns out that after talking to her, she has not used the extra accounts for anything untoward like meeting boys and I know all the people in her friend lists. She is 14, but really quite immature for her age due to her condition, so she's not that savvy about stuff - she struggles witht the stuff she does know about and so tends to keep things fairly simple, and is not generally a devious child.

I do like your idea though joko about online safety. I've tried googling a few sites aimed at teens in particular and teaching them about safety online. I'm sure I've heard of these forums which are ran by teens for teens to help with cyber bullying etc., I'd be grateful if anyone could point me in the right direction.

[fairycakes69]

I'm with Joko on this, the more you tell a teen not to do something the more they want to do it. We were strict to start with and it didn't work, so changed tatics, gave them choices and a bit of give and take. Worked so much better, and so much less friction. Good luck, FB has caused a lot of stress for parents, I'm sure there should or is a website to help parents with problems due to FB.