ChatterBank2 mins ago
Must be time for some puns?
Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to
produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches,
they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that
people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of
course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"
produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches,
they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that
people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of
course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"
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A shortened version of a marathon!
Man in fish restaurant ordered fresh squid from the tank, the pale green one with a little moustache. The chef Gervase was a bit of a softy and refused to kill it. They asked kitchen porter from Germany who wasn't as soft, so he dried his hands left the washing up and went to kill the squid.
The maitre'd apologised to the customer for the delay but the situation was being dealt with because "Hans that does dishes not as soft as Gervase with mild green hairy-lipped squid".
Man in fish restaurant ordered fresh squid from the tank, the pale green one with a little moustache. The chef Gervase was a bit of a softy and refused to kill it. They asked kitchen porter from Germany who wasn't as soft, so he dried his hands left the washing up and went to kill the squid.
The maitre'd apologised to the customer for the delay but the situation was being dealt with because "Hans that does dishes not as soft as Gervase with mild green hairy-lipped squid".
Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England.
In fact, the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.
Mexicans were crazy about the stuff.
The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate("desperados") at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.
It is known, of course, as ...Sinko de Mayo.
In fact, the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.
Mexicans were crazy about the stuff.
The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate("desperados") at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.
It is known, of course, as ...Sinko de Mayo.
Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.
In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"
Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tock tick -tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"
The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.
He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"
In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"
Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tock tick -tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"
The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.
He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"
A sceptical anthropologist was recording South American folk remedies
with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a
particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the
anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and
said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas.
with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a
particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the
anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and
said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas.
-- answer removed --
An Eskimo was paddling his canoe down a river when he overturned.
Luckily he was a strong swimmer and managed to get to the riverbank, he even managed to grap his canoe and pull that ashore as well. But his beautiful canoe was soaking wet along with all his belongings, the only dry thing was his fire flints which he kept in a water proof seal skin pouch. The used the fire flints to get a camp fire going using some dry wood he had found. Now he set his canoe on it's side to dry out with the heat and went off to hunt for food.
But when he got back disaster had struck. His beloved canoe was just a pile of ashes , it must have dried out and then caught fire with sparks from the camp fire.
All this proves that .....................
You can't have your Kayak and heat it !
Luckily he was a strong swimmer and managed to get to the riverbank, he even managed to grap his canoe and pull that ashore as well. But his beautiful canoe was soaking wet along with all his belongings, the only dry thing was his fire flints which he kept in a water proof seal skin pouch. The used the fire flints to get a camp fire going using some dry wood he had found. Now he set his canoe on it's side to dry out with the heat and went off to hunt for food.
But when he got back disaster had struck. His beloved canoe was just a pile of ashes , it must have dried out and then caught fire with sparks from the camp fire.
All this proves that .....................
You can't have your Kayak and heat it !
A knight was carrying urgent messages to the king. The night was dark, wet and windy and his horse missed its footing and became lame.
Walking into a nearby castle he demanded a mount but was told that all the steeds were bone tired with hunting. He spied an enormous hound and asked if he could ride that. "Go ahead", said the castle keeper.
As he passd through the great door into the storm the guard remarked
"I wouldn't turn a Knight out on a dog like this"
Walking into a nearby castle he demanded a mount but was told that all the steeds were bone tired with hunting. He spied an enormous hound and asked if he could ride that. "Go ahead", said the castle keeper.
As he passd through the great door into the storm the guard remarked
"I wouldn't turn a Knight out on a dog like this"
The King of Mabutoland wanted to go away on a long holiday.
But he didn't want his solid Gold throne to come to any harm while he was away. One of his most loyal and tusted servants begged to be allowed to take the throne home and keep it safe while the King was away. The problem was on one realised the servents house was just a hut made of reeds.
Of course the hut was broken into and the throne was stolen.
This just goes to prove that ................................
People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones !
But he didn't want his solid Gold throne to come to any harm while he was away. One of his most loyal and tusted servants begged to be allowed to take the throne home and keep it safe while the King was away. The problem was on one realised the servents house was just a hut made of reeds.
Of course the hut was broken into and the throne was stolen.
This just goes to prove that ................................
People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones !
Al Capone put his new shoes outside his bedroom in the hotel to be cleaned. The next morning he picks the shoes up and they were all scratched and bitten. He phoned the hotel manager and told him what had happened and bring him the culprit. Ten minutes later there was a knock on the door and he opened it. The Hotel manager said"Pardon me Al is this the cat that chewed your new shoes"
The only place that got invaded by the German's in Britain was Minehead. So they wrote a song about it call"Rhine troops keep falling on Minehead"
The only place that got invaded by the German's in Britain was Minehead. So they wrote a song about it call"Rhine troops keep falling on Minehead"
A harp player dies and goes to Heaven He is that good that the top man Sam Plank invites him to play at his disco in heaven where he entertains everybody. He goes down a bomb, but leaves his harp there. The next morning his mate says to him you are not very happy. He says "I know, I left my harp at Sam Planks disco"
King Wenceslas was feeling peckish so he ordered a pizza online . His Majesty selected a 12" house special , but was taken aback by the request for " special instructions " . Then he remembered that he preferred a full-fill pizza , rather well done and with no prominent ridges on its surface .
Returning to the order form he typed " DEEP PAN , CRISP and EVEN "
Returning to the order form he typed " DEEP PAN , CRISP and EVEN "
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