Getting out of a relationship

[kateryan]

I have been with my partner for 2 years and we have lived together for the past 6 months. We have been arguing a lot recently as he is very selfish and openly admits it, whereas I am more sharing. If we speak on the phone he will talk to me as though I am a stranger depending on who he is with, so he can have a certain image. He tends to organise his life as though he is single, by that I don't mean he is seeing anyone else but he has dropped me on a number of occasions because he has 'bumped into a mate' Why can't he just plan to see mates? He can't make decisions or plans about even a week ahead as he likes to leave things open so he does whats best for him. The meaning of a good night out to him is out with his mates, he doesn't view going out with me or my friends as a proper night out. I just feel like I am attempting to play home with a small boy, yet in other ways he is very generous with money and offering support in what I want to do with my career. Sadly though, he makes me unhappy a lot and I think I should end the relationship, yet I feel as though I am addicted to him as I do love him and can't wait to get home at night to see him. I don't see him as a long term partner though. How can I get out of my misery?

[Linzi84]

From what you have said it sounds to me like you would be much better off without him. You do deserve better than that, someone who wants to be with you and who doesn't put you second to his mates. If you cannot see him as a long term partner then you should definitely end it now. I think when you have been with someone for this length of time, you tend to get 'into a habit' or 'routine' of seeing them, this is why you like seeing him at night, do not mistake this for true love/happiness. I have been in a similar situation myself. Hope this helps x

[rampart]

Well, if you do not see him as a potential long-term partner, you probably should end this relationship and living arrangement - if you are sure.

Some general ideas about men: in our twenties, many of us are through with our studies, have a job, money, and time. Of course we want to go out with our mates! It is quite fun and lots of laughs. At least in my case, when I was single, it was difficult at first when I started dating the girl who became my bride. I could go have pints with my mates or a quiet dinner at a restaurant with her. That transition time is awkward for a man. I did not want to give up my mates and yet I wanted to have a girlfriend. It is difficult to balance. A man needs his "gap" year after the university to just be free to live, run a little wild, and have fun. Then we realise that we also want to settle down and have a family.

Your man sounds like he is still in that, for lack of better definition, post-uni-gap phase.

If he is a potential long-term partner for you, put on your life vest and ride out the bumpy storm. My lady put up with me and after a while, running with my mates was not as fun as a nice romantic evening with my lady. I made the transition on my own, or at least her giving me a bit of free reins allowed me to stay or run. I did run a while, but ultimately discovered that I did not need the drunken lovely debauchery of the pub all of the time. Just occasionally.

In my case, mrs rampart (then miss rampart) had to be very giving and allow me to try to balance my priorities. But she would never have accepted abuse. She would accept being bumped to second place on occasion, but never in a rude or condescending manner.

Best of luck.

[kateryan]

Thank you for your answer Rampart. I understand exactly what you are saying, but we are both 33!

[WendyS]

Well, it does rather sound as if he wants to have his cake and eat it which is a sign of emotional insecurity. It doesn't sound as if he's ready to face up to the "grown up" realities of making a permanent commitment. If you're unhappy in the relationship as it is now maybe you would be better off ending it and waiting for somebody with whom you're more compatible. Have the courage to make the break and if he pleads for a second chance, don't give it. .He may be a very generous person in other ways but if you have to put a pistol to his head to get him to change his attitude, he'll always be resentful and it will only cause ongoing problems in your relationship. As for your "addiction" to him, what you are possibly addicted to is the understandable desire for the comfort and security of a happy home relationship. So take the hit now, see more of your friends and build up your social life until a more compatible partner comes along.

[rampart]

Sorry, Kate. Yes, if he is 33, I agree exactly with WendyS.

[Drusilla]

Ending a relationship that has been important to you is always difficult, but I feel in your heart, you know it's no longer working. I was divorced last year, not because I stopped loving my husband, but I could no longer deny my lesbianism. So much of my marriage had been wonderful and my ex husband is a lovely man, but I realised once the intimate side of our relationship had died, slowly, but surely the rest would disintegrate. We divorced, but were able to save a friendship, which has been invaluable for our daughters.

[GraceAnais]

i was in a relationship that was going nowhere for over five years. he was a nice guy, but deep down i knew that we would never be together long-term. he was also not sure if he was willing to give up his 'single life'. but i got in the habit of being with him; a cosy pair of slippers rather than a fun pair of stillettos!!!

one day i had a moment of clarity and just ended it. i think if i had not done it there and then i never would have (or it would have got to the point where i hated him and vica versa). i have never looked back since. it takes some getting use to; but now i realise that we were just wasting our time together. since we split i have had two other 'flings' with men. both of which have taught me a lot about what i am looking for in terms of settling down with a partner. i'm so glad that i left him, otherwise i would have been missing out on other great men that i'm more suited to!!

likewise my friend was in a deadend relationship for 10 years; 23-33. for the last five she realised that he was not the 'one'. they lived togther so it was hard to leave. she is now 35 and finding it really hard to meet anyone as they are all married or in long term relationships. it sounds awful, but every second you waste with this man could mean you lose out on the 'right' guy. get out quick before you lose out. i think by writing this question you already know what you should do. take a deep breath and do it...hope this helps x

[nuttymoo]

I totally 100% understand where you are coming from Kate! Reading your question is mirroring my own life right now!! All the details are the same and i thought "have i changed my nickname on AB to Kateryan!!"

[kateryan]

Thank you nuttymoo!

Feel like am living in permanent state of apprehension. Last night we said we would have a nice meal at home and a chat. He normally gets home at 6, but turned up at 7.45. He was working late. I understand that he has to do that right now as I know he is very busy but the concept of ringing to communicate that with me??? 'he said 'why do I need to ring you to tell you I am working late...what's the big deal' Grrrrrr am close to losing it

[dozie]

God i know exactly how you feel! Sounds like my night last night!! Me and my other half were going to have dinner, bottle of wine and chat, he came in after work and gym at 9pm only to say he ate at his mums and he sat and watched TV all night and we did not talk about anything!! so i took myself off to bed. I did the same thing - i rang at 8.30 only for him to ask why am i ringing him to see where he has been and that we don't have to sit down and talk at a set time as we had "all night" and also "we don't need to talk, everything will be alright if we just try to get on and stop arguing"!! Makes me wanna scream but i can't give up on him, but if you feel like your losing a battle here then walk away if its right for you. At this moment in time it is not for me and i really wish i could walk away!!

[nuttymoo]

I finally finished my relationship last night and waking this morning i know i have done the right thing now. I've been trying for months to get this relationship to work where he will start doing the giving and not all the taking but i finally realised he just does not want to change and is completely happy treating me how he does. I even had to finish by text because i knew if i told him to his face it would cause another argument where i would be accused of nagging again. Everyone including his own family knew how selfish he can be and how badly he treated me. If ever you wanna talk Kate, ask the ed for my email (not sure if you can do that - i think you can)

[MangoPete]

Dear Kateryan,
You are each working to different agendas.
It seems to me as a man in his early 40's that your man does not want what you want. It is easy to give money but he doesn''t seem able to share his life with you.
I feel you will just become more and more frustrated with this relationship. You seem to be giving and from what you said he seems to be using you when it suits.
I think you are more mature.
You seem to want to set up a home and a partnership, he seems to want a girlfriend when he is not with his mates.
You need to meet someone who wants the same as you.
Don't settle for second best you know you are worth more than that.
It takes a lot of faith to launch yourself off a cliff but only then do you know you can fly
Good luck