My dad is dying

[momcj]

I dont very often write a question on here, but im struggling. May dad has terminal cancer, at xmas time he went into a hospice, he has now came out beginning of feb- he is now at home with my mom. it is so hard, ive never had to really deal with death of someone close. My dad was always such a strong,fit person and now he can barely talk, lift a glass. it is so hard seeing him so weak and in pain. I know that nobody will have answers to make it all better-there are none. I go along day to day sometimes, pushing the deep stuff to the back of my mind, when it comes to going to bed, it hits me and i cry and cry-i just dont know how im supposed to deal with this- i dont want to go to the doctors and get pills as i am scared of getting addicted. How do you function day to day with all this going on, im also worrying about my mom, having to deal with it to ?

[rowanwitch]

Hello momcj
Lots of good advice here already but I have a little more for you... at some point you may have a chance of a quiet conversation with your dad.. if you can try to explain how you are scared of losing him but reassure him although it will be very hard you will be fine and you will try very hard to make a success of your life even though it will be sad that he will not be there to share with you... and this is not just for you but for him too as if he believes you and I'm hoping he will, it might make it a little easier for him to let go... Sometimes dying people seem to need our permission to leave their pain and sickness .. the rest of the time feel what you feel and be honest about it talk to friends or come on here and just sound off now and again Share your feelings with your mum and let her share hers with you but don't feel guilty if sometime you forget and laugh at a joke or a tv show life and death are really part of the bigger picture and can blur together sometimes. If you can do some practical stuff to help why not... it helps to feel you are helping others and it will show your dad that he is ok to leave you to support your mum but only what you feel you want to..

[Old_Geezer]

Just to mention awful though this is you are not the only ones to go through it. Indeed my woman and her father is presently in a similar situation, and some time back I went through it with my mother. Just hope you find strength in knowing you are not alone with this sort of thing.

And yes, a long drawn out period is more difficult to cope with that a quick death, but I found, come the end, it was easier/quicker to accept they had gone since we all knew it was the best for them.

I think, reading your OP, you are dealing with it as you should. Try to keep going to get the day to day necessities done but give yourself time to let go of your emotions when you are able. Know that nothing lasts forever and the pain you feel now does eventually fade with time. But for now it is an ongoing situation.

You'll probably be surprised how we all adapt to circumstances. Your mom will soldier on, and as the family draw together it will work out. Let it do so.

[pizza]

Dear momcj I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling at this moment in time, although I work with the elderly and have nursed many with cancer and other unfair illnesses, I have never watched a family member of mine suffer.
I have no idea what age you are and respectfully wouldn't wish to know but whether child or grown mature women it must be heartbreaking to stand by feeling helpless
I think for many watching their loved ones suffer, the only conlosation is at the end they are free from pain.
I think in time the happy memories from the past must somehow help people come to terms with the loss and I truly hope you and your family find the inner strength to cope with the coming days x
My heart goes out to all of you fellow abbers for your sad losses x

[Toxophilus]

You have received some absolutely lovely words which I am sure will help you. When my father was at death's door, I told him not to worry. He would be floating around looking at everyone below running around like scalded kittens, but would not hurt any more or even worry about himself. I had seen programmes on the television which gave me the fuel for that moment. I was holding his hand when he died and was not aware of his death at that moment. When I realised he had gone, I looked up at the ceiling and said to him "Bye, Pop, be happy". I always felt he would be happy as he had lived such a great life and was a credit and an example to all of us. I went and fetched mother who was also not aware, to hold his hand a little longer. I didn't even cry, not until the funeral when it all came out.

If you trust in God I am sure he gives you the strength to cope with whatever comes along. He has helped me in so many ways I often wish everyone could have the same help as me and thought as much of Him as I do. He will give you the strength to do what is necessary, and to say the right things, if you just ask. Just believe.

As the other writers say, we shall be thinking of you, and in my case praying for you, which I hope at the end of the day will make life a little easier to bear.
All the best.

[Smowball]

I have been through exactly the same thing 3 years ago with my mum, and so I really really feel for you. There is no right way do deal with this,I used to burst into tears absolutely everywhere, and still do sometimes. All I can say is that there are some fantastic people on this site who you can talk to day or night when you are feel low . Am sending you such a big hug (())

[momcj]

Thank you so much for all your words-it means alot. I am a single mom so really i have to function day to day for my 7 year olds sake. It is probably a blessing in the circumstances. I have actually sorted alot of the practical stuff already, i am youngest of 5, but i was closest to dad so he told me where all pprwork etc was (he dealt with everything) i have gone through all that. I want to tell him how much i love him etc, but he was never one for emotional stuff, he is also confused at moment,he thought he was in another hospice not home- he is worrying about things- i keep reassuring him, but im not sure he realises he is not going to get better, he did when he first went in to hospice as doctors told him, but now he is asking when we think he will get well enough to do things- so i dont know if i should talk to him as though im saying goodbye or not-i do say "love u" everytime i leave room.

[Bambiagain]

My mother was planning her next holiday, although she knew realistically there would be no holiday. There's nothing wrong with humouring him - it won't harm him to have a bit of hope. But actually, after my father died, the one real pleasure my mother got was having holidays as he had always hated going away. Maybe, after the initial shock of it all is over, your mother can find something that she enjoys doing that she couldn't do with your father. Grief takes time to get over, and nobody can put a timescale on it because everyone is different. As others have said, let yourself cry when you need to. When he dies it will be a relief for you and your family that his suffering is over; then you have to learn to cope without him. Focus on the good things you remember about him, not the bad, and in time although you will never forget him it will hurt less. I wish you all the best.

[boxtops]

momcj - I feel for you. Are you still in touch with the hospice where your dad stayed at Christmas? The staff there would be ideal for you to contact, if you really want someone non-judgemental to talk to - I used to work in a hospice and their staff and counsellors helped people at all stages of their relative's dying. Give it some thought - they really are the best people to talk and weep with at the moment, and they might giving you some coping strategies. Big hugs xx

[seadogg]

You have made me think momcj. Although in my mid 70's I am lucky to be very fit and it hasn't occurred to me that my kids will have to go this one day.

Open up to people you know so that you can talk through it over a coffee. It is surprising how neighbours who you may not know very well can turn out to be great in this situation, especially those older people who have gone through the mill.

Above all don't reproach yourself for seeking help.

[ttfn]

momcj - I am sorry for the situation you and your family are in. I have been in the same position 3 times now and it does not get any easier. So much depends on the personalities of the people involved. No matter how bad I felt I thought it was worse for the one terminally ill. I always kept going for their sake - not mine. Many a time I didn't know how I could possibly cope with it all, but somehow I did.

By all means speak to your doctor - you will not be given anti-depressants automatically but it will probably help you to discuss your feelings and you may be referred to a support group.

Just take care of yourself and be of as much support to your family as you can. You all will need each other through this most difficult of times. It is possible to have some lovely moments through a loved one's terminal illness. Please trust me in that - it need not be all darkness and fear. Good luck x

[sherrardk]

Hi momcj, I think it is different in each case. Just do what you think will make him feel better about the situation and which doesn't make you feel worse in any way as things are hard enough as it is. If you need to cry, cry. I wasn't particularly close to my mother but it still took a toll when she died two years ago (to the week). She was aware she had cancer for a very short time (four weeks at most) and as soon as she was diagnosed she went downhill rapidly. The stress in those four weeks was unbelievable. Just take each day as it comes and don't beat yourself about stuff or double-guess what others may think about your actions, x

[DTCwordfan]

Share with friends, momcj, be they family or your friends; if they don't understand, don't blame them as they may not understand what you are going through; if they do cherish them.....you will help them in the future.

Each of us has different dynamics with our parents, it is not for me (or we) to comment on yours, except the one piece of advice and that is be true to yourselves and think of the great times you have had. And, for one who has been there, the eventual death isn't so bad, as you know it has been coming - celebrate the good things that you, individually or as a family, have had.

[spotit3]

I really feel for you momcj. I went through this with my sister. All I can say is to keep talking to your Dad whilst you still have him and remember the good times. My husband died very suddenly and the fact I hadn't time to say goodbye made it much worse.

[Toxophilus]

On reflection, and looking through your answers, unless I have missed it, nobody has said about your dad's feelings about you two for the future. I think he should be reassured that you will both look out for each other and be there if anything untoward happens. He will want to know you are both ok. That should include any siblings, of course. He is going to be 'away' so will like to know he can depend on you both.

A friend of mine who lost her husband recently said when anything goes wrong, she can feel his presence and support in helping her. She knows he is there, still looking over her and supporting her like he had promised to do. I do think that is good consolation for those of us who are left behind. God bless.

[momcj]

Sadly my dad passed away yesterday morning. I am glad he is no longer in pain but its hard to think i will never see him again. Now got all the funeral suff to sort, along with me sisters but my god there is so much to do and think about. They dont make it easy, when your at a time where your not thinking right!!