16 year old teenage girl

[Witts end]

My 16 year old daughter left home after I refused to let her go to a nightclub with an 18 year old girl and her mother.

She has been advised by a connexions adviser that they will find accommodation and get all her expenses paid. I do not even know where she is. Being worried sick I called the police and was informed that she was safe and well and that they did not have to inform me as to where she is!!

Apparently as a parent I have no rights whatsoever and it would appear that once a child reaches 16 they can more or less do what they like!

[sam82]

hi eurox

i see where your coming from, but wittsend and hadenough are tryng to have rules and boundaries in there homes. where do you draw the line? There daughters dont want to know any boundaries!

by the way this is a really tough one and has me miffed...

[Witts end]

Hi Eurox I fully understand what you are saying BUT my daughter behaves irresponsibly without a drink and having seen her with one I dread to think what would happen. Admittedly she was with two (so called adults) who have reputations that leave alot to be desired. I do not want my daughter tarnished with the same brush. Also you are a male and she is a female - ask any parent and I hate to say it but it is different for boys than girls.

I told her that I would put her on the pill when I found out she was having underage sex and she refused (that is not the actions of a responsible 16 year old). I don't agree with her having sex as I feel she is unable to cope with the emotional side of things and I also do not want her picking up STD's! Not only that, am I the only one who reads papers? Young girls are raped and even murdered and I don't want my daughter to become a statistic.

My daughter looks alot older than 16 and I feel sorry for the men who are lied to by young girls because they want an "older" boyfriend. It is not that I do not let her go to clubs - she has been to the ones that have nights for up to 18 year olds - but I have taken her and collected her at the end of the night. Also as a parent who has worked hard all her life I do not want my daughter coming home drunk and ruining my house, with me cleaning up the mess!! I think this is where she lacks respect for anyone and anything.

If she thought anything of me she would have contacted me herself to let me know she was okay.

It isn't easy coping with her leaving but there is absolutely nothing I can do. She is now doing as she wants, when she wants and that is her choice. In the meantime I am picking myself up off the floor and trying to get on with my life.

[Lil-Ol-Me]

I think the law in circumstances like this absolutely stinks! My cousin's 14 year old daughter started seeing a 24 year old man, obviously as a good and loving mother she forbid her to see him again... she then ran away from home and no one knew where she was or if she was safe. It turned out that this man had a police record as long as a motorway! He was considered dangerous by the police, and was also a drug addict taking crack cocain. My cousin turned to the police for help... they did nothing! Despite the fact we all felt that it was pedophilia! She also went to social services (who were also aware of this man) and they did nothing either! After some time we did manage to get her back from him, but she has never been the same since. Apparently he was giving her cocain, which luckily she wasn't addicted to as we got her back in the nick of time. After a long talk my cousin was horrified to learn that her (little girl) had also whitnessed a drive by shooting and saw people bleeding all over the road! There were upteen incidents, that being the worst, so my cousin sought counceling for her and tried to find some support groups who could help them both to deal with this ordeal, but wasn't able to find anything or anyone! They had to have a panic button in the house with police protection because her was constantly threatening them. Everytime a car drove past the house they were petrified and had to live like this and constant abusive and threatening phone calls for several months... and no one did anything! The law stinks!!!

[sam82]

hi witts end i know this thread finished ages ago, but was just wondering if circumstances have changed

I do hope so

[Witts end]

Hi Lil Ol Me. I know the law stinks! I cannot help thinking that this country has gone mad. We are getting things so wrong - and yet - we never learn!!!!! It is so frustrating as a parent but what can we do but sit by and watch it happen. One thing I do know is that one day we will turn around to these forces and agencies and say I TOLD YOU SO!!!!

[Witts end]

Hi Sam82. Well nothing has really changed. I thought she was coming round - how wrong I was. She wanted money! being the fool I am I gave her money for two weeks. I was then confronted with a call telling me that I am not her mother. She then had the cheek to call me not five minutes later and said "well are you going to put money in my bank then"? I am afraid this time I said no.

I have not heard from her since and I don't really expect to now that she knows I will not give her any money.

I have learnt that she has de-enrolled from her course at college and is now seeking employment. I have spoken to the Connexions adviser again who for confidentiality reasons cannot give me any information!!!!!!

I dread to think what will become of her.

[sam82]

im sorry to hear things have not got any better, although i do think you have done the right thing in not giving her money.

i know this will probably be her reason for leaving college, but trust me she would have left it whether you had gave her money or not, at least she is trying to get a job if anything!

i can understand this confidential stuff to a point, but shouldnt they be glad that you are wanting to help her some parnets to put it striaght dont give a dam.

i know its nothing that you dont know, but she will grow up one day.

chin up! 

[Witts end]

Hi Sam 82. Thanks. Again it was hard not to give my daughter any money but I know I had to do it. Apparently she has been telling her friends that I will not let her go to her prom, which is this month. Even her friends know this is not the case as she does not live with me any more!

I was so looking forward to going with her to buy her ballgown and having her photograph taken. I know she is out every weekend as I have a friend who lives in the village she is staying in. She has been roaming in at one thirty in the morning blinding drunk. Unfortunately because I will not give in and give her money she says I am not her mother and she does not want to know me.

Now I wait ............to pick up whatever pieces there may be! 

[sam82]

 maybe you could offer an olive branch and offer to take her out for the afternoon to get her prom outfit have a bit of lunch, but make sure she doesnt get the reciept and take the tags off it as soon as she gets it, even if you have to be sneaky so she doesnt see you doing it, then she cant take the outfit back and get a refund for the money! 

who knows if she accepts your offer it could be the start to rebuilding your relationship! if she does accept most importantly dont ask her about leaving college make out that you are happy that she is happy....as she will be expecting you to show your dissaproval of the way she lives her life.

i hope this little idea is some help...

[mywitsend]

I can fully appreciate what you are going thru as my wife and I are experiencing the same heartbreak with our daughter as of last week.
The only difference is that we know where she is, but we are being denied the opportunity to sort things out with her by a so called do-gooder, I suspect, the same type of person as shivvy who most probably has no kids of his/her own but has been on the course, and no doubt expresses them self by making invisible speech marks in the air, while blindly following the course teachings to the letter, never noticing that situations may differ and that not everyone is a bad parent.

We do feel for you, and will keep our fingers crossed and hope we both get our daughters home soon.

Sorry for the similar user name, hope it doesn�t cause any confusion

[Witts end]

Hi mywittsend. Sorry to hear that you are experiencing similar. Well it is nearly seven months since my daughter went and tonight is the first time I have actually properly spoken to her!!!!!

I discovered that she had started college (she packed that in yesterday!) I asked her to come home and again she refused. I went and picked her up and brought her back to the house. Again I gave in and gave her money (something I said I wouldnt do again).

She says she is happy so I have to let her get on with whatever she now chooses to do. This does not mean that you give up on them. You tolerate the situation knowing that you have done your damn best to give them a good start in life and tried to teach good morals and standards. Unfortunately once they get "in with a certain crowd" you haven't got a cat in hells chance.

Funny how they can't see that the people they hang around with are all still enjoying their home comforts!!!!

I have invited my daughter for christmas and she has accepted (for whatever reason that may be!!!) I am very grateful for that.

I do hope that your daughter will come to her senses as I do mine. My heartfelt sympathy goes out to you and your wife as I would not wish the heartache on anyone.

Take care