My Ex...and His Children...

[pastafreak]

and specifically 'our' daughter.

She's feeling...how shall I put it...left out,distanced,ignored-by him. Lately it seems his contact with her is becoming more and more sporadic,and she is the one to make any steps to get together or chat. She hears from him possibly once a month only,and from what she says,conversation is limited. She will be the first to admit that she also could contact him more often. She also says that due to this lack of contact,that some of her friends assume she's had a bad relationship with him-which she hasn't.

She lives in London,both we parents are in Plymouth,and she doesn't get down this way too often. She let him know a week or so ago that she would be down this weekend-and asked if they could get together. She met with him for a drink yesterday just after she'd arrived by train...and that's all it was. All of 40 minutes,and he abruptly said he had to go as it was roast chicken night. Is she-or I-wrong in thinking maybe he could have asked if she'd like to join his family(2nd wife+stepson)? I know I would...it's what parents do when their kids visit-especially when you've not seen them for 2 1/2 months. Even if I didn't have a lot-I'd stretch it somehow.
She also told me that over the recent holidays he made no contact with her on either Christmas day or NYs eve-when he always has in the past.

She's 27,very independent,and has been since she was 17 or so. Working on a Phd-doing what her academic dad always hoped she'd do(follow in his footsteps)...yet she feels lately that something is 'missing'. She has no idea why he is so distant(but he's never been one to be affectionate,display emotion or to give praise)-nor does she know if she's 'done' anything or if it is something else-like the second wife.
He has another,older daughter from a casual relationship when he was in his 20's....he ran off to the States when she was 2-contact was established when her mum searched for him when the girl was 10.It went sour by the time she was at Uni-she hates him now. He also now has a 16 year old stepson-who is getting all the encouragement and praise now.

I try to be supportive to my daughter-without butting in too much...yet I want to contact him,and ask why he puts what seems to be so little effort in.
I feel like I'm rambling a bit here...but I hurt for my daughter,when she seems so confused by the negative signs she seems to be getting.

[China Doll]

I don't think you should get involved at all, it's their relationship.

She did ask to meet for a drink which he did, given the lack of contact on both sides, he might not have thought that she'd be interested in going for a meal with his second wife and children. Contact works both ways and if neither of them are doing particularly well at this then assumptions can be made on both sides due to misinterpretation, she in that she feels something is 'missing' and he in that she mignt not be interested in spending more time with him.

Communication on both sides is the key, and as you say your daughter is very independent and capable then it is for her to resolve or decide that it's not worth the emotional effort.

[Sqad]

mmmmm! I am not sure that you will like this.......or any women contributors.

Broadly speaking...broadly...the relationship between mother and daughter is often quite different than father and daughter.....it has something to do with the umbilicus i think........it is always subconsciously attached.

It is not uncommon for men who are separated from their wives, also grow away from the children.

I am not going to string this out, but I would keep well out of your daughter/ex husband relationship.

[mazie]

I know the feeling pasta. My Daughter has 3 beautiful children. Her Ex p*ssed off back to his own country and left her to bring them up when the youngest was only 6 months old. He rings when he feels like it and sends a bit of money once a month. He visits England every 2 years to see them. This year he's coming over in the summer with his new wife an baby......My Daughter is dreading it, she just wants him to be a Dad. I think some men (I said, SOME) think it doesn't matter. I hope it works out OK for your Daughter

[magsmay]

I agree with squad -your daughter and ex husband are adults and as such need to sort out their relationship, or lack of it, by themselves

[pastafreak]

@CD and Sqad.....So far I have kept my distance because-as you both say-it is their relationship. But hearing your childs confusion/pain is not always easy. I think she'd like to ask him herself-but she's unsure how to go about it.

[Sqad]

Child?....she's 27 years old for God's sake.

[China Doll]

She can phone, write a letter/email or have a face to face conversation. She sounds really intelligent so I'm sure that's not hard for her to work out. Finding it hard to go about is the emotional effort I referred to and as I said, that's for her to decide. At 27 years old while it is difficult for you to hear about, all you can do is be supportive. She will make her own decisions in the end.

[magsmay]

she expects YOU to sort it out -its none of your business -really -maybe you are getting frustrated that the 16 year old is getting 'all the encouragement he needs' while your aughter is being 'neglected' -who is telling you all these tales -your daughter I bet as you can't know what goes on at your ex's house (and how can she if she has little contact)?

[tamborine]

His stomach is paramount followed by his current live-in family. He might think that as 27y d'ter is independant & doesn't need him, except for brief updates of her life, that are easily covered on the phone.

Some dads have issues with their 'lil girl' seeing other men. Maybe he doesn't want to hear of her relationships? Tell her not to take it to heart and keep texting him to draw him into her world.

[pastafreak]

'child'...as in offspring,Sqad.;-)

I've indicated that they are both guilty of not being overly expressive,and neither of them is in frequent contact with the other. So-what's happened is a reduction in something that was already limited.
Yes-this is only from her point of view-due to my not getting involved until now...but I also know she is not one to whinge,or exagerrate.

[Sqad]

Sorry....my mistake pasta.....;-(

[pastafreak]

@mags-she by no means wants ME to sort it out. She never said'mum-talk to dad for me'-it was just me wondering if I should have a word.
Tambo-you may be right about him not needing her so much as an adult.
I think she sometimes longs for 'family'-as I do. It's difficult when half your family is 1,000's of miles away. 'Family' ended with our divorce,and though she's not all that sentimental,she does miss it.

[magsmay]

pasta -tell her 'family' is sometimes not all its cracked up to be -she's got you -and shes very lucky -I have family and most of them I can't stand ;-)