Not happy with what I've got when I should be

[nickymanley]

Hi guys,

I was hoping for some advice. I am 28, have a good job (if a little uninspiring at times!), earn a decent wage, have just got married, have a wonderful husband, roof above my head, plenty of friends etc etc. Except I always want more, I am constantly starting projects that turn into fads that I lose interest in after a few weeks. I am always looking at other people - and comparing myself to them "she's pretty, I like her hair - maybe I should get my hair done like that" - then I will get a bee in my bonnet about my hair and won't be satisfied until I do something. Same with clothes, I can be just watching tv and I will be constantly looking at people and if I see something I like that they are wearing I stop thinking about it - except I can't afford to constantly buy clothes / change my appearance! I am not unattractive, my husband compliments me all the time yet I can't feel happy about the way I look. I want to - that's the problem, I just don't know how! Any advice would be really appreciated x

[Cockney_si]

So you've reached a stage in your life where you're not sure what to do next and looking at other people to be like them......Sounds like what you need is guidance......there's no harm in taking a step back and re-inventing yourself as long as it doesn't affect your moral outlook on life and you still keep your friends close. By all means go out and buy new clothes that make you happy, but maybe shop around and buy cheaper so you can re-address yourself in say 6 months time. Hope that makes a little sense....

[nickymanley]

Believe me, I do go out and buy new clothes (probably too many!) but this doesn't make any difference. I think the only way I will be able to stop feeling like this is to become happy with the way I look / dress - to become generally content with my life because I know I should be.

I just don't know how to go about this and it's really frustrating because everything I want (and feel I need) is so materialistic and in actual fact I don't need any of it, I know none of it is going to improve my life - I know this yet don't know how to go about changing my outlook / feelings!

[Drusilla]

I think you would benefit from half a dozen counselling sessions just to organise your thoughts about the many good things you have in life and why these sometimes appear insufficient. It may help to talk these through with an unbiased observer to help you get a different perspective on things.
Many people think we should be able to talk to friends and families about these matters, but such conversations rarely get to the root of a particular difficulty like yours and you may end up feeling embarrassed for raising concerns when everything appears rosy.

[WendyS]

I sense you possibly have low self esteem and perhaps don't value yourself for the unique individual you are. Are you always worrying about what other people think about you and does this bother you? And how important to you are material possessions like clothes, etc. compared to other things in your life. Understanding yourself is probably one of the first steps to take in learning to be happy - i.e. understanding what gives . pleasure, a sense of fulfilment and contentment. But this first means a rather painful scrutiny of your personal values and recognising what needs to change. If you enjoy reading, take a trip to your local library or a good bookshop and browse through some of the books available in the "self-improvement" section. You will find lots there to think about and philosophies to challenge yourself with. And write out a list of all the good things in your life. Stick it up on your wardobe or mirror so that it's the first thing you see every morning to remind you of all the blessings you already have, rather than the tenuous ones which you covet in other people. Also, think about learning new skills or hobbies which will keep you alert and interested as I've found that boredom can often be the precursor of general discontent.

[lady_p_gold]

Just a thought but have you got a creative side in any form ? If you could perhaps find something you really enjoyed like mosaics or painting or something maybe it could absorb some of that spare thought and turn it into something which will give you pride and satisfaction and may cause some 'growth' in you in a more spiritual way.

[1977Nicky]

Argggh - I have changed my username and now I have had to re-register so please note that this is now 1977Nicky formerly known as nickymanley - I now have to subscribe to my own question!

Thanks for all the advice. I agree with yuo Wendy, I think I do have a low self-esteen. I would try the self-help route but there are so many books out there I wouldn't know where to start - any recommendations? Self-help books has been one of my "fads" before - I saw a picture of Geri Halliwell reading "A Road Less Travelled" a few years back so went out and bought that - I still haven't read it!

You also suggested hobbies - trouble is I have hobbies coming out of my ears at the moment, that is part of the problem I think, I start things, throw all my ebergy at them and then either get bored of them or frustrated that I haven't got enough time to do them! At the moment I would list my hobbies as the gym, cooking, reading (I have an overwhelming pile of books to get through), aromatherapy, designing, photography, finding a new computer - it'll probably change next week! Have just read your response lady_p_gold. My job is in designing! Just a more rigid and functional design than I would like - I have just been given a subscription to Computer Arts and have my latest copy in front of me to inspire me!

As for what people think of me - yes I do worry and am probably too concerned about what they think. Trouble is I recognise all of this - yet can't seem to see a way to change or even a way to begin.

[snook]

Spend a little quiet time each day, just being still and letting your mind rest. When you feel deeply relaxed, think of all you have in your life that you can, and should, be grateful for. Actually, it's worth writing them down, listing them and seeing them there, right in front of you (as if for the first time).

Now, visualise yourself being content and happy with what you have, and feeling gratitude for it all, and also enjoying the process of reaching for something more, without feeling any strain or anxiety about it. If you take these few moments to settle your mind and organise your thoughts and desires, I think you'll find that these urges to endlessly compare yourself to others and to feel envy or jealousy or just anxiety will tend to fade away.

Truth is, we all take way too much for granted, and that causes no end of problems. Once you start to really appreciate what you actually have you invariably feel a whole lot better. I'm not suggesting this is the answer to all your problems, but it will help, if you give it a try, and stick with it - it only takes five minutes or so each day.

[Lonnie]

Your problem is understandable, but be careful, The grass is always greener, etc.