Still Want A Laugh?

[marval]

I don't attack people.
I'm all stalk and no action.


I bet Dracula does all his shopping online, just so he can keep clicking on "your account."


I rubbed a magic lamp and wished for the genie not to wear any underwear.
He said, "Your wish is me commando."


I won a dream holiday to the Bahamas.
I woke up gutted.


I was mortified when my son caught me walking round the bedroom in high heels and women's underwear.
I don't know why, I'm his mother.


I have been doing some research into my family tree, and it turns out my Great Grandfather was a terrible dictator.
Apparently none of his secretaries understood a word he said.


I took a vase to get valued on the Antiques Road Show, and they told me it was "absolutely priceless."
Well, I got four quid for it at a car boot sale last weekend. Who is laughing now?


The wife knew I had today off and texted, "Darling, can you do us a favour and bring some washing in for me?"
Boy is she going to be pleased.
I've been round all the neighbours and she must have 30 bags full to do.


I got in a load of trouble at the farm with my German boss recently.
Turned out he wanted me to order 30 sows and pigs, not 30,000 pigs.

[jim360]

I didn't, but couldn't help laughing anyway. Especially at the bringing washing one!

[Zacs-Master]

Don't get the first one. Last one v funny.

[Svejk]

Did you get das boot?

[Fanriffic]

Top notch jokes. Better than the last lot you posted. Ha ha.

The dream holiday one reminded me of the Tim Vine joke:

"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again".

[Spoonboy]

Quite funny, the lot of them. That reminds me, I must take off my neighbours bra soon...

...the damn thing is killing me.

[excelsior-1]

on excellent form, as usual marval