In a rut

[Greyday]

I am in a total rut. Am a lone parent trying so hard to get back to work. Managing the house and children by myself. But my motivation has totally gone. Drinking too much alcohol in the evenings. And feeling trapped. Not self pity. Any advice appreciated.

[acorn]

You need to talk to someone - friend, neighbor, family member or even the doctor.

Well done to you for recognising that the bottle isnt the answer. And a bit of self pity is not a bad thing. Being single with responsibilities and the feelings you have cant be easy.

Have you been to job centre to see about training rather than straight into work. Or maybe a part time job - but these are hard to come by especially if you have dependants at home and have to fit your hours around them. You dont say how old you are but me, im 41 and my husband left me and two boys 2 years ago to find that elusive greener patch of grass (may he end up under it!!) and i often get panicky and feel that lifes a bitch and what am i doing wrong that it always seems to creep up and bite me on the bum when i try to pick myself up. But, lady, its what we do. Especially when others are depending on us like our kids. So what if the hoover only comes out once a week and you only iron the things you really have to (who needs uncreased knickers anyway!!) Prioritise and let the rest form an orderly queue. Try and decide what you want to see yourself doing in, say 6 months time. Then work out what you need to do to achieve or work towards that goal. Even if its something small like going to jobcentre twice a week or signing up for one day free courses. Anything is better than the bottle. You dont need it - youve got us!

[pignpog]

I agree with acorn. You do need to talk. Medication & alcohol aren't the answers. The answers only come from within, and there is no rush. For every minus there is a plus. Enjoy the 'ups', and don't feel you have to be happy for the public during the downs. There are millions of unhappy, trapped and lonely people out there. It does get better. You just have to get strong, and fight on.The more people who know, the more people who can help.

[Robert G]

I agree you need people, not drink. Try groups of people rather than, or in addition to individuals.

In addition to the good advice already offered to you, I would recommend that you join one or two social groups (preferably mixed sexes) who meet weekly in the evening - groups whose activity/focus is something you like doing (or think you might like to try).

There's nothing like getting friendly with people who share your interests and enthusiasms, and then becoming increasingly involved and useful to that group. In my case it was singing in a choir, which I didn't start until I was 50. I now have loads of friends, I'm now chairman of two choirs, and I'm remarried to someone I met through one of these, and life is just great!

If the cost of joining such a group worries you, it really shouldn't. A typical choir, for example, charges �80 for annual membership, which works out at about �2 per weekly meeting ( = �1 per hour), which is about the price of one drink.

I hope my little story gives you some hope. Do give it a try. I wish you good luck.

[lady_p_gold]

A job is definitely the answer, not for the money but just to get you out and about and feeling part of the world again. You do not say how old the children are and I know that you go into a spiral of washing and meals and this and that and there seems no time to do anything else. Even if you got something in the evenings and had someone come over to babysit one night a week it would be a start. The best thing of all would be to go to something fun .. .Salsa, Line Dancing, or an evening class. I know 'join something' sounds rather predictable but you must make yourself break this loop that you have got in before you really are in trouble. And it makes you a more fun person for your kids too !!!!!

[scrumpy78]

speak to your doctor, or teacher at school, ask if there are any groups / centres for other parents, or perhaps a fitness class with a creche? you have the internet so try searching for local things in your area, try searching for motivational quotes and pick a couple that inspire you and refer to them daily. why not try learning something new. you can do this from your home in an evening - try bbc website for learning zone. ask a friend round, anything to distract you from drinking in the evening. i get down and spend my time entering competitions on the internet! advice so far is right, go to the job centre, ask to speak to a lone parent advisor about jobs and training. why not try some volunteer work? maybe working in a charity shop, something to get you out the house and feeling more positiive. i was once in a major rut and had been ill too, i did a 6 week work placement in a shop through the job centre, then registered with a temping agency and got work straight away.

good luck

[Scarlett]

If no job is forthcoming you should look at doing either some work experience in a place you would LOVE to work, or volunteering. I was in hospital recently and I was appalled at the lack of compassion the old people in my ward received from the very busy and stressed nurses. Some of them had no visitors AT ALL, ever. You could visit some old people like this, chat to them, and it would make SUCH a difference to their day- and may well put yours in perspective!

[snook]

Can I just add that if you have trouble talking to people about this you can always talk to the Samaritans. They're not there just to deal with people who are suicidal. If you feel things are getting on top of you and you feel the need to chat (without being judged or told what to do), then the Sams will be quite happy to listen to you.

And please don't think this is a judgement in itself - I'm not saying that your situation is hopeless or dismal, but any situation can appear overwhelming to the person involved. And the chance to talk to someone who'll remain objective can be a godsend.

One other thing: get a piece of paper and start making a list of all the things you can be thankful for. I know, you don't feel that you have anything to be thankful for right now, but give it a go anyway. The reality of it is that there are many things we all take for granted, and sometimes it only takes seeing them listed to remind us what's what. Start with the basics - roof over your head, food on the table, fresh air if you go out for a walk, good health (hopefully), friends, etc. Once again, this isn't meant to sound preachy, just an idea that I've found to be really effective.

I hope you get things sorted out soon, Greyday ;-)

[Greyday]

Thank you all so much for your replies. Your kind words and advice.

[lady_p_gold]

and PS try changing your name to Scarlett Night !!! That might be a start !