Family Dispute

[jaycee401]

my later father in law requested before he died that his ashes be buried in his first wives grave. We endeavour to do this last wish for him, my husband is the executor of the will and he was left instructions by dad as to why and what his wishes were to be. Due to family disputes which have gone on for years, and so to prevent any 'kicking off' at the burial my husband I would wonder whether we could arrange with the vicar to do this with just the 2 of us and the vicar present. Then at a later date we could have our own private service at the graveside and the other family members can hold their own private service at a different time. Or would it be possible for the undertaker who is still holing the ashes and knows of the dispute to arrange with the vicar and for just the 2 of them to bury the ashes. Both parties could then arrange their own services ata time to suit?

[woofgang]

The executor can do whatever is legal and will comply with the testator's wishes. Poviding the vicar and the funeral director agree then either would be fine.

[Peter Pedant]

Yeah Good idea, why not

Interment of ashes - and a few prayers or even a burial service

and then tell the rels to have a memorial by the grave side or else where if they want.

RC have suitable services for burial cremations and god knows what - disinterment, exhumation as well I think as well as reburial

BUT protestants may insist on only one 'burial' for one person. - which is kinda odd for me as an RC but I may have misunderstood what had occurred (with a good friend, who 'couldnt be re-buried'.


and remember Funerals for all sorts are a cue for all relatives to behave in the worst possible fashion

[jaycee401]

We would hate for anything to kick off, and we know it would! Dads final words were that he was sorry that we would have to go through this :( He was not very religious but his faith was Church of England. The undertaker agrees with us and will speak with the vicar on Monday. Internment of ashes would have to be kept strictly between me and hubby as one sniff of it and the rels would congregate! So sad.

[DJHawkes]

one of those times when it's least said soonest mended, do what he asked you to do and keep it simple.

[jaycee401]

It took a month for the ashes to be released as one family member who had nothing to do with him for over 15 years complained to the funeral director the borough council and the police, saying he did not know he had died until after the cremation which was a load of lies. He then 'allowed' the ashes to be released! Which is worrying as this guy is not in the Will or anything, so we are still not sure if it was is word which allowed the ashes to be released! We found this out via the undertaker, he has also stated he will not attend the internment but his family members will want to. But this is what we want to avoid.

[Old_Geezer]

I'm sure you could do lots of different things, but it does occur to me that the family are not likely to take kindly to being excluded from the actual ceremony and you keeping it to yourselves as if you were the only ones who were important and the rest were nothing. Don't you think ? Maybe the rifts are already unhealable but it sounds as if you're ensuring that.

[jaycee401]

The reason why we want 2 ceremonies is so both sides can pay their respects. I trying to prevent a disaster, believe me you don't know this family! That's why I wondered if the undertaker and vicar alone could do the internment then at a later date both 'sides' can hold their service.

[woofgang]

OG, there comes a point where there is no right thing to do, only what is expedient. Sad but true.

[ubasses]

Does your husband own the burial rights to this grave? If not the person who does will have to give permission for it to be opened and if that is one of the family members who is causing you problems it could escalate things and make them worse.

[woofgang]

PP in the C of E its perfectly okay to have as many graveside services as you want. You can only have one funeral though as that is intended to be a kind of official transition between this life and the next.

[Old_Geezer]

Nevertheless in that situation I'd rely on the adults acting as appropriate to the situation. But that's me. I'd trust folk with a grievance to keep it until after the ceremony is well over.

[jaycee401]

mmm not sure who owns the burial rights, all I know is that everyone has agreed to allow his ashes to go where he wants them to go.

[tamborine]

RC have one funeral p.person. Ashes are released to whoever arranged & paid for it. Why not split the ashes to save fueds.

I just dug a cupfull into the inlaws plot & scattered some int garden, Thames river & rest still in urn at home as my protection ;)

[maggiebee]

Assuming that the whole family was present for the cremation, would it be possible for the vicar to arrange for your father-in-law's last wishes to be respected. I'm assuming the family have already said their goodbyes. So sad that families fall out at what is a distressing time for everyone. Hope you find a solution to suit all.

[tamborine]

I read that the deceased has been cremated and ashes are held by undertakers ?

If first wife's family own burial plot, there consent would be required.

[woofgang]

OG I hope that trust is never misplaced!

[jaycee401]

The cremation was kept totally quiet, even we did not know when it was to be taken place, my father in law requested this, so there would be 'no trouble', his wishes were then for us to attend a small service round the grave where his ashes were to be interred. He wanted no notices in the paper nor nothing! We have just carried out his wishes. The interment will be in the next few days. The vicar and undertaker will be the only persons present. We will then have a small service once the internment has taken place.