fall out with sister

[tinacee]

I just mentioned to my sister (11 years older than me) about her affected accent - she changed her regional dialect when she moved to another area in UK when she was 21 she is in her late 50's now. Just lately she has been speaking very posh even when she is just in my company ( it is really annoying as it is put on and is SO pretentious.. All I said was - I wish you would talk to me normally like you used to. She absolutely blew up with me and said I was a horrible sister and that I had always been jealous of her. A lot of stuff from the past just spilled out - her to me and me to her. She accused me of fabricating facts (her way of calling me a liar) which I am not. So I'm really angry about that. I am sure she and I wont speak again. Should I have just kept my thoughts to myself. A couple of friends told me I was quite right - as she is a right Hyacinth Bouquet!

What do you think Any comments would be welcomed. I am on a bit of a guilt trip now.

[natalie_1982]

Well as someone who is right in the middle of a family dispute at the moment that involves my mother, two aunties and an uncle, that has been going on for a week, that started at my wedding and has been bringing stuff up for 35 years ago (12 years before I was born!!) this seems pretty apt.

I can understand how you feel, there are certain members of my family that do the Hyacinth very well, and I certainly know how irritating it can be, but really, in the grand scheme of things - does her accent change her as a person? Perhaps her accent has just changed? I can understand why your sister would feel hurt. Please don't fall out over this. Too many people get involved and get dragged in and hurt along the way. Do you both have children/ partners for example?

Both of you probably said things in the heat of the moment, which is easily done, and cannot take them back. You obviously both had a build up of emotions and issues from over the years - are any of them really worth losing your sister over?

Life is too short, if people spent more time saying positive things instead of negative it would be a lot nicer for everyone!

Please don't be upset, and don't feel bad, it is natural to argue and to feel hurt and angry, as no doubt your sister does, but make the effort to make things up even if they could never be as they were X X

[gessoo]

I would swallow your pride and send your sister a little note saying that you wish the argument hadn't happened and regret that you have fallen out. Say something along the lines that you probably both said things you didn't mean to. I would then follow it up with a phonecall a few days later. P

Please don't leave it too long because, believe me, it will be harder to put right the longer you leave it. I expect she feels as bad as you do, now that the original anger has subsided.

Natalie is so right, life is too short to let this continue.

Good luck - we have all of us been in this situation at some time!

[Drusilla1S]

I was brought up in Hackney, London and hated my accent and worked hard to tone it down. I think most people still realise I'm a Londoner, but I doubt they would classify me as an Eastender anymore.

Inverted snobbery where working class people expect us to be tied to our roots is every bit as debilitating to an equitable society as the traditional snobberry of the upper classes.

I don't think losing the coarseness of my former accent makes me a snob, just savvy enough to adapt to new opportunities and circumstances in my life.

[maggie01]

I agree with Drusilla. I was born in the East End. London, so was my husband. He is proud of his accent and everyone knows he's a londoner. A lot of people have said that I don't sound the same for which I am grateful as I hate the accent. However your sister speaks, she is still the same person underneath. It is not worth falling out over. After all she hasn't said that she would prefer you to talk the way she does. She still accepts you as you are. Hope it all works out for you.

[Englishbird]

I think maybe you're more irritated by her attitude than her actual accent.

Sometimes it's good to get all the crap off your chest in a row and I would try not to get it in your head that you won't ever speak again. My instinct is that you will.

Family's are a funny business, drive you insane, but they're irreplaceable. What I'd do if I were you is have a good long think about what's been said, and work out exactly why you're upset. Do you feel that her 'affectedness' is a way of making you feel small? Do you feel that she's not there for you enough, whatever it is you have to find out how it's making you feel and then you can rationally explain it to her.

i.e " I'm sorry I flew off the handle, and said some personal things, I just feel that you think I'm not good enough to be your sister"

If you focus the conversation on how you feel as opposed to 'what she's done' it makes it far easier for her to respond and maybe address her behaviour. Whenever any of us are told we've done something wrong the instinct is to fight back, even if we know deep down that we're in the wrong.

Good luck, give yourself a bit of time and then it may be up to you to be the bigger person and make the first move, but don't leave it too long. It's not worth losing your sister over for ever, you never know when you might really need her or vice versa. x x

[tinacee]

Thanks for your advice.

Yes she does make me and one of her grandchildren in particular feel very small sometimes. She can be very critical.