Can't Get Away

[Hellyon]

Following my divorce I started dating a guy who I realised (too late) has narcissistic tendencies. We stopped actually dating (his choice0 and he started seeing someone else. The problem is we get on really well as friends, he says I am his best friend. He rings, messages every day and wants to see me. When he has problems or is sick he comes to me. A lot of people think we are together as we get on so well. I don't like his girlfriend much she is a 'saccharin manipulator' all girly and helpless and not my cup of tea. I have tried on several occasions to walk away from him and remove him from my life but he just won't let me, gets very, very upset (either angry or tearful). It makes it difficult for me to move on and have a life of my own (although there is no-one on the horizon). The problem now is he has being diagnosed with a potentially terminal illness and he says he needs me more than ever, he says the girlfriend is upset and he can't cope with her but he still keeps on seeing her. I know he probably does need me, I'm calm and practical, but its a huge emotional investment when I do all the caring and worrying, to all intents and purposes a girlfriend/wife role but she is getting all the 'sympathy' and 'poor girl she's so upset'. I genuinely care about the guy, my head says I should walk away but heart says stay and look after him. As you can tell, I'm a bit confused! Any words of wisdom?

[Elina]

Thanks also Baldric x

[Hellyon]

Baldric yes I did sit in on the appointments so I know he is telling the truth.

[Hellyon]

Elina, he is pretty text book tbh. I was doing well walking away but it's the illness that has given me pause this time.

[Elina]

He might well be ill Hellyon, who knows. But! What do you hope to get from this 'relationship'? ... if he is narcissistic ... you're flogging a dead one, not to mention what it will do to you, he will help you to feel completely worthless. Only you can take the right path.

[237SJ]

"When he has problems or is sick he comes to me"... "and he says he needs me more than ever" "..to all intents and purposes a girlfriend/wife role" Actually, you`re playing the role of his mother.

[Elina]

What I'm saying Hellyon, if you 'think' you are the one that can make a difference ... you 'think' you are the one that can get through to him when others haven't, then you're kidding yourself, but you already know that don't you. Read up on everything about the narcissist ... you're having a relationship with a ( shell) ... it's all that's there, no emotions, no feelings, no nothing ... it's all an act.

[Quoi]

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSx_7eKxQbw

[Hellyon]

Elina and 237 you are both absolutely right. I actually know this but it gets confusing. It's why I came here to get some good common sense. I shall continue with my journey out the door, it's pretty 'wearing' but I know I need to do it and Sam Vaknin is very enlightening!

[Elina]

Thanks Quoi x

[Elina]

You know what to do Hellyon. He will have narcissist rage towards you, be ready for that one! x

[Hellyon]

Yes Elina I am prepared for it and if I'm honest I went through that trauma with the ex husband which I suspect is where my 'cowardice' stems from, going through it again. I recognised the behaviour early on and in truth I'm cross with myself for getting drawn into it. Trouble is with narcissist it's easy to get taken in twice, you get out of a relationship battered, bruised and self esteem at rock bottom and along comes someone who builds you back again. Which is the lovebombing of a narcissist, by the time I realised it was too late, so it's rinse and repeat. I'm so wary of anyone who is nice to me now that I don't let anyone close. Sigh, I should have known better :) Thanks for the support guys I'm grateful, truly x

[Baldric]

Good Luck!

[Hellyon]

Thanks Baldric :)

[DTCwordfan]

Hey Hellyon, do not despair, there are some decent guys out there! I agree with the advice given and that you need to (i) get out of this asap and (ii) get professional help from the police or a lawyer (for a harrassment order) if he continues to approach you and give you grief at all. You are not his lover or partner and should not be sucked into this vortex of illness......yes, if he had been reasonable but that is evidently not so.

[Hellyon]

Thanks DTC. I'd like to think there are good guys out there but I confess I've lost faith in my judgement. I'm actually not a weak character which I think has been the problem. I'm a 'challenge' to those who like to control and therefore a target for narcissistic personalities. I'm now very distrustful of men who are nice to me and have put up barriers. Thanks for the advice I am taking it :)