My new girlfriend came up to me as I was stacking washing powder in Tesco. She said: “You lying sod, you told me you were a stunt pilot.” “No I didn’t” I replied, “I told you I was in the...
My Wife said to the doctor "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep, what should I do?"
Doctor: "Give him a chance to speak when he's awake."...
A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. On seeing God, she asked: "Is my time up?" God said: "No, you have...
I looked out of my window and saw a group of people gathering around a bloke who came off his motorbike, so I frantically rushed over. "Out of the way!" I shouted, as I pushed through the crowd. "Are...
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of...
Son: "Dad I've got a part in the school play. I play a man who's been married 25 years."
Dad: "never mind son Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."...
An Essex girl tells her mum she's pregnant.
'Congratulations', said her mum. 'Do you know who the father is?'
'Mum, if you ate a tin of beans, would you know which one made you fart?'...
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days. A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?" The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?" The guy, clearly offended,...
I went to the local pet shop and said to the pet shop owner, "I want a taller stand for my parrot but I haven't much money. Can I get one and pay it off monthly"...? He replied, "We don't do higher...
After 35 years, George the postman decides to retire. On his last day, he makes his usual rounds. When he arrives at the first house, the whole family comes out, congratulates him, and sends him on...
Paddy is repairing Murphy's roof when he starts feeling unwell. He shouts down to Murphy " I don't feel good, I've gone dizzy "its best to come down and go home ." Murphy says " Have you vertigo? "...
