I went to my local garden centre today and bought a new Christmas tree.
The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting it up yourself?”
I replied, “No, I’ll be putting it up in the living room....
Scary stuff. The exorcist is coming round tonight.
That’s what we call our mate Dave because when he leaves there’s no spirits left in the house. He drinks them all, whisky, vodka, the lot....
Due to the latest Covid-19 restrictions - my local pub has banned 'Sweet Caroline' by Neil Diamond from the Karaoke Jukebox. So there will be no: Touching Hands, Reaching Out, Touching Me, Touching...
Does anyone know why Amazon have stopped listing the songs and track lists on the pages where you buy CDs? I like to know the names of the songs on a CD before buying or if I'm looking for a...
My dyslexic mate Dave won a two week break in Faliraki in a competition.
When he returned two weeks later I asked him how it went.
“Rubbish! It was two weeks in Falkirk.”...
Struggling to find a suitable birthday gift for my young niece, I asked her Mum what she was into at the moment and what should I buy for her. “Oh, she likes all that Frozen stuff” So I got her some...
This bloke goes in to a pub on a very busy Saturday afternoon and goes up to the bar to order his drinks. Looking across the bar he notices that the bar staff are all dwarfs. Not thinking much about...
A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at a branch of Morrisons but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these chickens get any bigger?' The...
One of my friends who has dwarfism came back from the Job Centre today really cheesed off. "What's wrong?" I asked. "They offered me a job as a lumberjack." "And what's wrong with that?" I replied....
What's the name of the clothing brand that people seem to wearing just recently.
The logo looks like a thin stag head skeleton. I've seen a few TV celebrities wearing them....
I have a terracotta plant pot that I want to cover / wrap with paper so the paper is flush round the whole outside surface. The top of the plant pot is wider than the bottom so obviously a rectangular...
When my girlfriend suggested that she would like something with diamonds for Valentine's Day - apparently a pack of playing cards is not good enough. Tee hee. Off to the garage now to get something...
Back in October last year, I hurt my back in between my shoulder blades by lifting a heavy box. When it happened I heard and felt about 5 or 6 sequential cracks from my spine in between the shoulder...
I think I'm coming down with this new Christmas cold that's going around.
It started with my Tinsillitis.
What do you call an old snowman?
A puddle.
Ho ho ho....