When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realised that the Lord does not work that way, so I stole a bike and asked for him to forgive me....
I went to a fortune-teller last week. She studied my palm and said ‘You’ve been masturbating.’ I said ‘Hey, you’re good – can you tell me anything about my future?’ She looked at my face...
On one occasion during my teenage years – my mum walked into my room and said ‘You’ll go blind if you do that.’
I was so embarrassed, I dropped my binoculars and missed the eclipse....