My boss called me into his office to see how my first day was going. He asked, “How are you finding your role?” I said, “If I am honest, it could do with a little more mayo.” My friend asked...
A city gent was driving through the countryside when he spotted a horse standing in a field. He was quite taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale. “Afraid...
The French are concerned that 77% of their electricity comes from nuclear power. I think they should stop over-reacting. My partner complained about not being wanted, so I went to the post office and...
I am a retired boxer and I am thinking of taking on golf as a hobby. Although many believe I should go into acting because apparently I am the only dog they know that can talk. My doctor’s surgery...
I asked for chicken drummers, and I was given pieces of chicken in breadcrumbs? Where are the feathery musicians I requested? I have just found out my friend has had collagen implants, she has been...
There's an Irish contestant on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? He doesn't know an answer. Jeremy says: "Don't forget you've got 50/50, ask the audience and phone a friend." The Irishman says: "I'll...
I have got a lot of respect for organ donors. Those guys really put their heart into it. I got the bearded dragon a new tank today. My partner isn’t happy though, he doesn’t think it is an...
A traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends early one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and Fix dinner for my husband! He's going to be really upset if it's...
A devout Australian cowboy lost his favourite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a kangaroo walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't...
I was beaten up by a seven, nine and eleven year old last night. I have decided it is time to get even. They are going to put a clock on the leaning tower of Pisa. That way it will have both the time...
My wife left me because of my obsession with Morse code. Her name is Dot and she made a dash for it. I drive a steam roller. Most people prefer a petrol or diesel engine, but I wanted my Rolls Royce...
Robin Hood lay dying, and all the faithful gathered round. With his weak and fading breath, Robin asked Marion to bring him the best arrow from the quiver beside his bed, and then asked Little John to...
Two Irish lads Pat and Mick are drinking in a bar. Pat says to Mick "I had my way with that blonde lass that I met last night" Mick replies to him and says. "Will you be seeing her again later...
I started my new job as a lumberjack this morning. The boss must have taken an immediate dislike towards me as I had only been there two minutes before he gave me the axe. I am having the best holiday...
Breaking news in the cabinet reshuffle. My Xbox 360 games have been moved to the bottom drawer. My investment in a maze business isn’t going well, I can’t see a way out of it. I went round to my...
For Sale: Grandfather clock, only one part missing. Second hand. I was climbing the stairs earlier when I thought to myself. ‘Why don’t I just walk up them like I usually do?’ I have recently...
I thought I won the argument with my partner as to how to arrange the dining room furniture. But when I got home the tables were turned. I was really embarrassed when my partner caught me playing with...
