SCOTTISH WEDDING At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled... "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed...
Sorry your password has expired- you must register a new one. Why? Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer? No, but your password has expired- you must get a new one. Why then do I need...
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read. 'And so the...
Who the hell is Gary ? Well Gary is the geezer who got home late one night and Marilyn, his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?" Gary replies "I was getting a tattoo!" "A tattoo"? She frowned....
Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Friends Reunited and arrange to meet for lunch. Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She...
Help needed again! Someone has given me a banana plant (only leaves, no bananas). Does anyone know how big it will grow? I do not want it to take over the garden, but a critical neighbour (yes I have...
First, the Lord made man In the garden of Eden, Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing." After casting about for a suitable pearl, Kept messing around and created a girl. God named...
Had lots of help from all you gardeners before. Have bought three nice rose bushes at your suggestions. Now I am asking for some more suggestions, this time for small shrubs. I do not want them to...
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister,...
WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? HUSBAND: Definitely not! WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married? HUSBAND: Of course I do. WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?...
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place...
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. 'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They...
An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam..I do not intend...
I have asked this before, I know, a long time ago, but I have forgotten how to do it and lost the answer (I have looked I promise). How do I delete all the items in my trash file - not the one in the...
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.' 'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?' 'When it was over,'...
David staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs...
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:NAIVE *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 2. Isn't making a smoking section in a...
Any suggestions for dealing with a load of surplus tomatoes? Can I freeze them in any way? And if so, how shall I prepare them? Will be very grateful for any suggestions. I hate to waste them. Haven't...
I have just had a new door fitted. The bloke who did it made a really good job of it, worked efficiently and hard and took all the rubbish away. When he left I gave him a £5 tip because I thought he...
I recently spent £6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that...
