Airline Jokes

[DTCwordfan]

Add yours....

following on from Shaglene's Blonde Passenger

A guy is sitting at an airport bar when he noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the BA slogan: "To Fly. To Serve?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, " ooh ***, she doesn't work for BA".

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the United slogan: "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"

This time the woman turned on him "What the *** do you want?" The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said... "ahhh, Ryanair".

[DTCwordfan]

A female pilot at Sydney's Bankstown airport was in a hurry to get airborne, she made the following request: "Bankstown Tower Cessna ABC requests an intersexual departure runway 29R."

Almost straight away ATC reply: "ABC, The full length is available."

[Baldric]

http://ridgelandingairpark.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/aviation-jokes.jpg

[DTCwordfan]

very good, baldric.....

[marval]

Always wondering about the pleasure of flying a plane an airplane cleaner came early one morning to clean the plane and saw a book "How to fly an airplane for dummies. Part I" on the pilot's seat.

He opened the book and started reading, "First Press the green button on right to start the engine." Well he did and the engine started. He flipped to page 2 and it read "Press purple button to start airplane moving on runway."

He did and airplane started moving and catching up the speed. He went to third page and it read, "press the red button to take off the plane in air."

He did and plane was flying. He started turning the pilot's wheel and plane started circling, going up and down and was having lots of fun.

He decided before anyone found out what he had done to land the plane, go home and brag to his girlfriend.

He went to next page and it read in red "To land the plane successfully go to the nearby store and buy Part II for dummies."

[DTCwordfan]

What does a BA Captain's wife do to her a---hole before having sex? -

Drop him off at the airport!

[Baldric]

A Jumbojet was coming into London Heathrow after a long-haul trip from Singapore and the captain opened the intercom and said 'Ladies and gentlemen we are now making our final approach into Heathrow, we hope you've enjoyed flying with RarelyCrash Airways and that we'll see you again soon, please have a safe onward journey' at which point he forgot to turn the intercom off. He turned to the co-pilot and said 'well Roger what plans do you have for the rest of the day?' the co-pilot replied 'My wife will be at the hotel, Mike, and she's got seats booked for a West-End show, I don't know which one, what plans do you have?' The cabin crew and passengers meanwhile are quite enjoying this change from the norm. The captain continued 'as you know my divorce was finalised last week so I'll be taking a long soak in the bath before ordering dinner in my room. I'm thinking that after that I'll call the pretty new blonde stewardess working upstairs, Susanne I think her name is, and take her out for a drink then take her back to my room and give her a damn good seeing to' At that moment the passengers cheered loudly and in the upper deck Susanne realised the intercom was still on by accident and she had to get downstairs and let them know. She ran up the aisle and tripped headlong over an old ladys handbag which was poking out into the aisle. The old lady looked down at the spread-eagled young woman and said 'there's no need to hurry love, he's going to have a bath first'

[marval]

Flying home from France on a recent trip I noticed a rather haggard looking mother walking into the customs area with eight children, all under age 10.

Collecting their many suitcases, the nine of them entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched the large entourage in disbelief.

''Ma'am,'' he said, ''do all these children and this luggage belong to you?'' ''Yes, sir,'' the lady said with a sigh, ''they're all mine.''

The customs agent began his interrogation: ''Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or drugs in your possession?''

''Sir,'' she calmly answered, ''if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now.''

[Chipchopper]

A rooky pilot is approaching his destination and is about the landing.
He radio's the control tower for clearance and is asked "what is your height and position".

In a moment of panic, he blurts out: "5' 9" and sat in the front"

[1ozzy]

I tried to board a plane with a dead wombat tucked under each arm.

"Sorry Sir," I was told," Only one carrion is allowed".

[Shaglene]

The plane was about to land and the fasten your seat belts light came on. The gay flight attendant walked up the aisle checking that the passengers had complied. He noticed that a young lady had not fastened her seat belt so he asked her to do so. She said that she would not be told to do anything and she would not fasten her seat belt. She said that in her country she was a princess and he was not going to order about. The gay attendant said, "In my country I'm a queen therefore I out-rank you. Now fasten your seat belt."