my best mate

[dawg_kane]

ok here's one for you all to thrash out that i found out today at work which made me really mad.

My best mate, who i also work at the same place as, came into work well brassed off....

i took him for a fag and a coffee and asked him what the problem was....ok, the background first, he is 22, has an 18yo girlfriend he shares a flat with and they have a 3yo son....there is no love between these two people, i know that, i can see it, and he has also told me how miserable she makes him.

today is payday for him, he works a tough job at our place, earns peanuts but works hard....they have a joint bank account and his weekly wages went in today, his girlfriend cleared it out leaving him with 10 pound...TEN POUND!!...to last the week til next payday, he cant even have a couple of beers at the end of his working week.

i told him the joint bank account was a bad idea, that he needs to control his own money, and if it were me id be long gone....she treats him like dirt, never lets him off the leash...and i only get to socialise with him if i go round to his place, its getting to the stage where his home life and problems are getting me down too, and im a very non issues living bloke....he wants to leave, make a go of things on his own and get his life back, the only thing is he is frightened to death of not seeing his son, i really feel for him, he puts up with all this for the boy...i know i probably shouldnt stick my nose in, but as his best mate i feel it only right to make him realise what is actually happening here, he is 22 and his young happy life is flitting away....what does anyone else think about him or me?

[Vics]

D K I will be succinct and to the point here so don't think me rude - it's just that that can sometimes help people more than long winded answers.- I know it does me as it helps "get your arse in gear" !!

Your friend has unfortunately made his bed so must lie in it. It is nice of you to consider him - but you have to forget about him and get on with your life else you too will be dragged down by trying to be the Good Samaratan. Just go out once a month for a drink with him etc.- and you'll both then have far more to talk about. Go for your life DK before yours flits away worrying about others!!.Good Luck. Vics x

[tradey]

hes having it bad,shes only 18 they have a three yr old shes taking the pee out of him,tell him to get rid,so she doesnt work then,how dare she leave him with �10 till next payday,he needs to tell her now before it gets worse,i know theyve got a kid together but come on hes only young himself,if they dont love each other then dont stay together, staying together coz of the kid,he needs to get to the bank and cancel the account let if they were in love it would be adifferent story no sit him down at work and tell him how you feel he maybe waiting for you to tell him hell never do it on his own

[potterharry]

If the only thing that is stopping him leaving this dreadful relationship is the fear of losing his son he should talk to a lawyer about what his options are afterwards -I'm sure he'll still be able to see him -sounds like he has a steady income and all that.

[joko]

tell him to open another bank account and tell his boss to send his wages to the new account.

Tell him you will help him find a new flat and move his things, just so he know he is not alone.

Tell him to go to the citezens advice bureau, about this rights regarding seeing his kids. he has rights so he should know where he stands

if this girl is miserable too, she may be glad he's gone.

perhaps he should "phrase" it as 'time apart' or 'trial separation', this will lessen the likelihood of her kicking up a fuss about him going - and will allow her to see how much happier they bother are apart.

because of her age she is unlikely to be able to foresee the future without him, but by showing her she may feel okay about it.

start the ball rolling by babysitting while they go out for a drive or something to talk about the separation, then help him look around flats.

above all don't enforce your ideas and opinions on him, just gently encourage and be there for him when he need you

[qapmoc]

There seems to a very male dominated set of answers here, nobody has said that maybe the girl also see's her ''young happy life flitting away'' probably more so if he goes to work and meets people and she is stuck with a young kid all day.

I notice that you say He wants to leave but still wants to see his son. Yeah very thoughtfull, they both made the child and I suppose they enjoyed themselves while doing it but now he wants to leave her with the kid and get back to his old single way of life and you think that is the right way to go??

As Vics said let them sort out their own life, and anyway consider that you might be making things worse for them by encouraging him to leave so you can have a free and easy friend instead of helping them to get through a bad part of their lifes together.

[the>one]

�10!!!!!!.....lucky begger......an 18 year old bird?

even luckier begger!!!!!!!

[woofgang]

um 18 yo girlfriend, 3 yo son....so he had sex with a 14yo????

[Gathorne]

Here everyone is feeling sorry for this guy because his girlf cleared out the bank account. Have you thought that maybe she paid the rent, bills and bought food for the three of them with it? If his wage is small that wouldn't surprise me. Childcare is so expensive that it won't be worth her working till the child goes to school so maybe she needs sympathy for feeling trapped with a child, a boyf who doesn't love her and can hardly support them. If he's worried about his son he should think about how she would be able to support him if she was on her own. With young children you have to just accept that your social life is going to disappear - if she can't afford to go out why should he.

Maybe as his best friend you should be more supportive of his role as father at such a young age. He didn't ask for it so it must feel very hard on him. If they can't afford for him to go out, you should be a bit more sensitive and not begrudge having to see him at his place. It sounds like you only have to support yourself on your wage - try and imagine having to support 3 people.

[Solarjunkie]

If a family is having difficulties, just walking away from the situation is not the only option.

Sounds like a case for Relate - get this couple talking about their relationship, feelings, problems, hopes for the future etc. They have been together for several years and have a child as well as themselves to consider.

[funnywebsite]

He needs a separate bank account. He needs to give his company a new bank account sort code for just him only. I do not trust anybody with sharing an account with, this is what you get when you share. He needs to give her an agreed housekeeping amount either by cash or cheque when he gets paid and she has to stick to it or if she wastes it then she knows that is all she is getting. People like her will take you to the cleaners.