Here's how to make your hair grow fast, it's a tried and tested method that really works:
1) Rub salt onto your chin (ever eaten salted peanuts and became thirsty afterwards? it's the same with hair, salt dehydrates it and makes it grow really fast)
2) Place your salted chin above a saucer of cold water
3) When the hairs on your chin sense water is close they will grow rapidly, when this happens and they are drinking in the cool water, wait until they are at the desired length (at least 4 inches long) then grab the hairs nearest your chin and tie in a knot thus making it impossible for the hairs to retract and hey presto you have a full grown beard.
4) Walk around town and bask in the admiration of your friends, passers by and girls