What do you make of this?

[Velvetee]

I posted in this section several days ago "Can this relationship be saved" and would be grateful for opinions on this next chapter.

Things with my partner are still rocky, we were supposed to be getting married next Friday, but that is no longer going to happen. Anyway, I've still been feeling uncomfortable about him and on Sunday evening heard him typing away frantically, I knew he was on Facebook typing to someone, so logged onto his account.

He was having a messenger conversation with a woman who works as his Admin assistant, I believe he also looks on here as a confidante and shoulder to cry on. I was utterly incesnsed to read "I'm only now staying with her because she's pregnant" and "If she doesn't change I'll carry on behind her back".

I was so upset and we had strong words, he ended up staying at his mum's and I was left alone. I started experiencing abdominal pains soon after he left and ended up calling him at 5am Monday morning and went to the hospital. They said baby was ok, gave me pain killers and sent me home, but I returned the next day with similar pains again.

[Schutzengel]

Velvetee. So sorry to hear of your problems. The abdominal pains you are getting could be down to the stress of the situation. You really need to get your man to talk this situation through and make a sensible decision, as this on/off wedding, and on his part an on/off relationship will certainly not be any good for you or the baby. I think you have previously said the baby is due in June, so your hormones will be all over the place, does he understand this, or does he expect you to be all sweetness and light when he is behaving this way. Do you think he is perhaps getting in a panic now that the need for commitment has become a reality. For your own sake this really must be sorted, because if you are going to have to go it alone, then you will need to start investigating how to get some support, as time is getting short. I do hope you can work this out. Best wishes. Schutz.

[Velvetee]

CONTINUED....

Anyway, I believe the pains were related to stress and also because the baby was using one of my Fibroids as a punchbag.

I got the impression from his messages to this woman, that I'm doing something really bad to him. As I said in my earlier post, he has been feeling neglected, but has never really said how unhappy he was feeling. Pregnancy has changed me, both physically and emotionally and I don't feel the same about sex etc. Also I'm still grieving the loss of my mother 3 weeks ago.

The next problem is, that I am very paranoid and just have feelings he's been up to something. I was on his computer and came across a saved bank statement, where he'd bought something from a jewellery shop. It wasn't for me. I pleaded with him to tell me what he had purchased and who for, but he refused to discuss it, just saying "it's not what you think".

Eventually yesterday he promised to tell me and the answer was, he'd given a necklace to his admin woman as a gift, because she works hard and he's unable to pay her as much as he'd like. I don't believe there would ever be anything going on with his admin, so why didn't he just mention before about the jewellery, I know he's bought her flowers before and it's not a problem.

I don't believe he bought this jewellery for the admin, however and I know he's had this strange hankering for a woman he met through work in Maidstone, who was also having relationship problems. I even found he'd saved pages from Rightmove.com for properties to buy in Maidstone, as well as searching for cinemas there. We live in Surrey.

It doesn't end there. I also found a recept for Godiva chocolate shop. We live nowhere near Bluewater shopping centre and he said he'd bought 4 Easter eggs from the shop, one for his mum and one for each of his two nieces and then one for me, but there was also this additional �20 egg, which again he refused to say who

[Velvetee]

STILL HADN'T FINISHED....

We had a blazing row last night, as again he was being secretive and refusing to provide answers to my questions. He ended up going to his mum's and I ended up throwing a vase, my iron and his drill at him from the bedroom window (someone nicked the drill this morning)

He's back home now and sas he wants the relationship to work, but we both need to work at it. I feel very let down and abandoned. I miss not having my mum to moan to and just feel shocked at the way he's been behaving, especially when I'm at my most vulnerable.

Friends tell me to just "play the game" for the sake of the baby and my own security, but I just feel resentment, possibly hatred towards him right now. He was the person I was closest too after my mother and I just don't know how and if I can get past this. I just feel like I no longer know him, like he's a stranger.

[kira000]

One thing i would say, is that it might seem horrendous and massive to call off a wedding so soon to the day, but it would be far worse to go through with it if you are in doubt,
and then have the horrendous heartache and hassle of sorting it out if it doesnt work out. A wedding can be rearranged once things are sorted out...

[Ice.Maiden]

Hopefully, the chances of anything happening to your baby at this stage of your pregnancy are very slim Velvetee. I'm sure a second hospital visit will've put your mind at rest, and since they sent you home again, they must feel that you're in good health. x

[pinktwink]

i answered your last thread. It seems deep inside you know the answers but find them hard. ?You need to think about your and your babys happinness. Is this the man you want to spend your life with behaving as he does.?? Is he worth all this heartache? HAve yee tried the couple counselling route yet. Good luck

[heaven1]

I truly feel for you. This man is making you unhappy and paraonid.

I have never been pregnant but friends tell me it truly messes up your hormones, however this is not an excuse for his behavior as he is being in my opinion an "********"

I think this man is making you more unhappy being with him than you would be without him.

[heaven1]

Im sorry you have lost your mother, it must be very hard for you.

[Velvetee]

Thanks for your reply Schutz. I definitely know he is panicking about becoming a new dad. He says everything has taken off so quickly, we met, moved in together after about six months and a year later I was pregnant.

He hasn't had a great deal of life experiences and never had many relationships, the ones he did have were mostly brief and spread out years apart, so he says he doesn't know what to expect or how to deal with certain situations in the relationship.

He's also been having alot of stress through work and this has caused various health and anxiety problems. He feels I'm stronger and in more control as I take the attitude of "whatever happens, happens", whereas he's a planner and thinks things through meticulously.

I guess I just feel he ought to be more understanding towards my situation. This is my first child too, I'm the one who is carrying the baby, suffering all the ailments associated with pregnancy, will have to give birth and adjust to things after the birth. If we do split up, it will still be me left holding the baby, my life will change beyond recognition, but his will remain pretty constant.

[Ice.Maiden]

The beauty of being a woman, Velvetee. Get rid of him if you think he'll only bring you grief. In the long run, I'm sure you'll be more than capable of bringing up your child.

[kira000]

It also sounds like there is sooooo much going on, both of you are emotional and confused.

Being pregnant is a big thing for the woman with all the physical changes, but it can be a really big deal for the guy too. A period of his life changing, his lovely woman changing, and the feeling that where he was the sole object of your affection, now he is going to have to share- and not know where he will fit into the little twosome of mum and baby. Feeling left out is a really common thing for a chap.

It may well be that he is seeking some reassurance about his role in life in talking things over with these women, especially if you have been fraught and caught up with baby, grieving and weddings. Thats not blaming you at all, just suggesting a point of view.

If you want to try and work things out, then both of you need to try and be open with each other. You both have some raw emotion, so try to stay calm and not angry. For both your sakes and the baby.
You need to try and explain how you are feeling, grieving, emotional, hormonal and insecure, but (assuming its true!) that you love him. And it seems you have acknowledged yourself that you can shut him out and not display your feelings for him. reassure him that the feelings are there, you just arent so good at showing it. And tell him how important it is for him to have a place in your and the babies life.. that he has a role. Thats not trying to put all the onus on you.. but often it takes one partner to start the ball rolling, and once you get talking its easier to calmly talk about what you need from him too.

With everything thats going on, you are both feeling anxious, stressed and confused.

As i said in my previous post, a wedding can be arranged. Dont get hung up on that. Just try to sit down and sort things out without the pressure of will the wedding happen.

I'm thinking of you, and i hope you sort things out.

[Velvetee]

Thanks everyone. This is the thing that shocks me so much. He has always been the perfect partner, very loving, attentive, always putting my needs first. He said the other day, he's made a rod for his own back, as his molly coddling of me has made me complacent, where I expect this treatment all the time. He says I don't consider what he needs from the relationship, which is true to an extent.

He wanted this baby more than I did and although I'm pleased to be pregnant, it wouldn't have bothered me, if I'd remained childless. I can't understand why he has suddenly started behaving like he is.

He swears he isn't having an affair and has just wrongly led me into believing he is, to get attention. There is still the issue of him not answering my questions and feeling he is hiding something.

[Velvetee]

You are probably right Kira. He has said he feels left out, when we go for ante natal appointments, he feels all the staff, sonographers etc just blank him and speak to me. I try to explain, whilst this is wrong, it's my care and interests that matter to them.

He knows I'm not the demonstrative, tactile type and knew this from the beginning, he on the other hand is very intense (too intense). He likes to kiss and cuddle me in public, which I find cringingly embarassing and I can just about manage to hold hands.

He says he loves me and I'm the centre of his world, but he feels he's not mine and is very unloved. I have tried to explain how I feel, but he says the affection and sex side of things went downhill before I became pregnant. I don't see the need to be draped over each other all day, but he seems to think when he gets back home from work, I should stop everything and give him a kiss and a cuddle, apparently I rarely acknowledge his presence.

This all sounds very juvenille to me and he even would like me to go to bed at the same time as him, so I can cuddle him. I've tried to explain few couples go to bed at the same time. I've always been a nightowl, but he's asleep by 10pm. Does he just want me to be a "yes" woman, like his own mother?

[kira000]

All couples are different, and, all people are different.
Its how you deal with the differences thats the make or break.
Some people are happy to change and be whoever their partner wants them to be, some can keep that up. But most often eventually the resentment will set in.

When you have differences, you need to both work out what you can cope with, and how you can meet in the middle.

So maybe you can choose a night a week where you make a concious effort to have "couple time", where you sit down together and talk about your day, relax, cuddle on the sofa together, and make an effort to go up to bed togther. You might find that you feel better connected with him for doing it, and he will appreciate you being more affectionate.
I know from experience with my OH, that when we let our work lives take over, we dont acknowledge each other when we get in, barely talk over dinner, then i go to bed at 10, and he comes up hours later... and we both end up feeling distant and unsettled. Just making myself take the time to go and give him a hug, reconnects us, and we feel alot better.

So, no, you dont have to be a yes woman, but neither does he have to be a yes man. Just both try and work out how to give a little.
Its one of those things that comes with time and experience, and for him it sounds like he hasnt had alot of experience in knowing how to stay true to himself without eventually feeling he is doing all the giving. And for you, with everything that has happened, and the changes, and that the relationship is still relatively new, you havent had time to adjust to being part of a 2, nearly three!

[Huderon]

Velvetee, you have my sympathies, for whatever they might be worth.

I recall, from a very long time ago, that in some parts of Ireland, it was common enough for a husband to end a row with his wife by saying "I only married you because of the baby". Being a single parent isn't easy, but I think it's a lot easier than being in that situation.

An alcoholic friend, no longer drinking, once told me that nothing changes if nothing changes - a mantra learned during the drying out process.

Kira has suggested calling off the wedding, and I'd go along with that . There is too much going on at once for simple solutions - you are dealing with the grief of your mother's death, your hormones are playing merry hell with you and your partner's behaviour isn't doing anything at all to help.

So cancel the wedding, and tell your partner that if he really wants to leave you, he is free to do so. If he wants to stay, tell him he'll have to be totally honest with you about what he's been up to (that may well hurt so be prepared), and let him know, calmly but firmly what you think of his behaviour given what you've been going through. After that you can both sit down and decide where you are going from there.

You do have friends who I'm sure, though not as close as your mother was, are ready to support you, in real life and on here. But the first thing you have to do is get everything out in the open between you and your partner so you can both make decisions about where to go next.

[Huderon]

Oh my, the combination of slow typing and interruptions means I missed a few messages ... oh well, so it goes.

Velvetee, you're a night owl and he isn't - why not have an early night now and then for a cuddle ? If it makes him feel a bit more loved and wanted, it'll do you both some good.

Us men do feel very left out of things during pregnancy - after all most of the attention does go to you ladies ... and then after the birth it goes to both mother and child, with us men a poor third in the attention order.

After the birth of our first child, my main functions were to teach my wife how to handle, feed, change and bathe a baby and to deal with the middle-of-the-night feeds and settle a baby who wanted to party afterwards and finally to burp her as soon as I crawled in from work in the evening, since neither my wife or her mother could figure out how to do that. Not a lot of fun really.

[lil75]

Im sorry but I read your post with my mouth open, lets stop trying to work him out and get to the nitty gritty, hes buying jewellery, flowers/gifts etc for another woman!!!! and at the same time treating you like an arse.....for gods sake, you need his support now more than ever, and where is it I ask?!!! Your better off away from him right now, maybe a break, concentrate on your grief over your mum and your unborn child...he really does not deserve your time...What advice would you give to a freind if this was happening to them?

[Velvetee]

I would probably say the same thing as you Lil. I can't see things progressing until I get the truth about the jewellery. If it was just an innocent thank you gift to an employee, he surely would have said. Had I not seen the statement, I would still be none the wiser. When I ask him, he just said it doesn't matter. Perhaps not to him, but it does to me.

[pinktwink]

velv it seems you dont trust him as ypu feel the need to check up on him. Do you want to be looking over your shoulder forever. If you don.t want to be left holding the beby perhaps yee could work out a joint arrangement good luck

[Velvetee]

Well Pink, I have two problems, one is issues with trust, as I've had boyfriends cheat before, another is that I just can't help snooping around, I get this weird pleasure from discovering information. Even in the beginning of the relationship, when I had no doubts about him, I'd still go snooping around. Perhaps counselling could help me too.