Self-Esteem

[princerupe74]

if someone's self-esteem has been severely damaged from early childhood, do you think it can ever really be improved and, if so, how?

[tamborine]

By leaving those who think bad of you and finding people who appreciate you.

My mum and I were always at loggerheads. I think she was jealous of my dad's affection for me. We got on better once I left home.

[VHG]

I can only speak from personal experience.

My father was very negative, rarely gave me or my brothers or sisters any compliments, never came to school to see how were getting on, or helped with our homework.

He was very easy to criticize and compare us to other children who were doing better at school or university.

I have grown up with a very low opinion of myself and rarely do things for myself or spend large amounts of money on myself as "I am not worth it".

I am now 63 years old and rarely had a period in my life where I have felt confident and happy, even though I worked for 30 years in a highly paid and highly skilled job one of the largest IT companies in the world.

So from personal experience I say it is very difficult to build up self esteem when it has been destroyed in early life.

My wife on the other hand grew up with a lovely mother who was supportive, positive, loving and always gave praise and my wife has grown up with a much more balanced and positive view of life than I have.

[jomifl]

Tambo has it right. You have to get away from what harms you and find some one or ones who can help put it right. Such people do exist, you will know them when you meet them. My father was very dominant and leaving home asap was the best thing I did.

[sebhfhion]

princerupe74 from personal experience I'm afraid if you have low self-esteem because of damage in childhood it is very difficult to change. I was never encouraged as a child, never told I was loved and never praised when I achieved anything, but was criticised quickly when I under-achieved. It has stayed with me all my life, and although I have a wonderful OH who layers praise on me and encourages me I still think to myself he's 'just being nice' and that I'm not worthy. I have never thought to seek professional help such as counseling, this may help I don't know, for me I tend to keep myself to myself and have built a nice wall around me and only let certain people over the drawbridge. So sorry I can't be more positive.

[sebhfhion]

VHG I know how you feel and am of the same generation as you. At least I know i did my very best for our daughter who was brought up in a loving environment and encouraged to do what she wanted to do with lots of love and support. x

[Buenchico]

>>>do you think it can ever really be improved and, if so, how?

Yes, definitely, but the means will differ between individuals. For example, many people's self-esteem has been vastly improved through involvement with amateur dramatics (where the support of other actors and the applause of the audience has boosted their confidence) - but it's not for everyone.

[sandyRoe]

You could write down a list of all your achievements, and of all the people who love you and who you love. Reread it regularly. If negative thoughts appear counter them with the list. That's more you than the poisonous opinion of someone from years past.

[tamborine]

You can grow more confident thru your lifes choices. In fact a detrimental start often resolves you to surpass those who dis-respect you.

[society]

I think improving self esteem is like learning to walk - one step at a time, little by little as you 'come out', you'll become braver and braver.

[sebhfhion]

society, yes a slow process i hope the OP's question was hypothetical.

[boxtops]

counselling can help - it's never too late

[atalanta]

If your parents tell you are muck throughout your childhood, never mind what anyone else says afterwards, you always know deep down that you were unable to earn your parents' love, so you must be muck.

[boxtops]

..unless, through whatever method, you can come to rise about it, and start to value yourself for what you are. Parents can be wrong.

[boxtops]

^ above it

[sandyRoe]

"They *uck you up, your mum and dad
They don't mean to but they do
They give you all the faults they had
Then add some extra just for you..."
A bad childhood means the foundations of your life are built on sand but it doesn't mean that it destroys you.

[cupid04]

I lack self-esteem sometimes. I think it was more caused by circumstances.
My mum died after a long illness when I was only 12. My younger sister was only 8. My dad eventually had a breakdown and my sister And I were sent away to stay with an elderly aunt. My dad never spoke of my mum when me and my sister came home. I got into a lot of trouble at school because I didn't know how to express my feelings.My dad was quite violent towards me, never my sister though. She could do no wrong in his eyes.
I find it very hard to stand up for myself because of this and when someone upsets me and I bottle it up rather than let rip.My faith which I found in my
late twenties has helped me a great deal to cope with some of life's knocks.
I still find certain situations a struggle though.Talking on here gives me some of the confidence I lack.