Family Question?

[jd_1984]

So, my partner has a boy (4) from previous relationship. Father been out the picture and barely contributed for 3 years now, I have been with the mother 2 years and living with her and the son, for 1 year.

The boy has naturally formed a bond with me and my family. We didnt need to encourage it, it happened naturally and my family see them as part of our family (in theory if not technically).

Now, the Dad is back on the scene, and I know he loves his son, I dont judge him for his prvious mistakes. But, he seems determined to disrupt the balance of things now he is back living in the same tiown as us. He took off 18 months ago for Bristol without warning and has seen the boy 3 times (each time for 3 nights) since. Paying no maintanence (he is self employed, works cash in hand and from his declared income owes my partner £10 per week from now on). This is a farce as we know he earns a lot more undisclosed wages.

He sent the boy home last week with a family tree, which had all his immediate family listed, which is fine, but, the boy has kept saying all week "You are not my real family" and has been disruptive for my parents. He is normally a sweet boy but his behaviour towards my family is terrible this week. It almost like a brain washing and it is very disapointing, and no bloomin coincidence. I have built a greta relationship with the boy. My family never stand in as "grandparents" they just care for and love him, we dont refer to them as family, but, naturally he has bonded with them in that way.

As a 4 year old, did the father really have to distguish between family and non family?? I feel it is really unfair and challenged him on it. His reply being "He needs to know where he comes from" He will work out what biological and step family means in time, why force this on him now?

[Baby_Sham]

I think his Dad has been really unfair and has just confused the poor kid.
To me, giving him a family tree and telling him your family are "not his real family" is just spiteful.

He sounds like a total dick.

[ummmm]

You know what...he won't remember a thing about it.

His dad's nose is out of joint...hopefully it won't last too long.

[albaqwerty]

I think the wee soul is scared that his 'real' family are going to take him away from the real family he has been living with for the past couple of years.

Genetics doesn't mean he's a 'real' dad. You are, you're the one who has loved him, played with him, bathed him, soothed sore knees and so on.

[baza]

the "dad" sounds a right hand merchant, can the child read and understand a family tree, I doubt it. Just try to get back to what you had before, it may take a while.

[Old_Geezer]

I can't say I'm surprised, the genetic father presumably wants his offspring to be aware of their roots.

What the mother should do IMO is take the child aside and explain that there are parents that created a person, (such as him) and these need not be the same people as the parents that care for them on a day to day basis. That family is those people who are there for them each day and that family as well, and they are just as important as those who were part of creating a new person. If the child is able to understand he won't be so anti one family in preference to another because he will know both are an important part of his life.

[Old_Geezer]

...and that is their family as well...

[ummmm]

Nicely put OG.

[ck1]

One of my daughters friends spends 4 days with her mum, 3 days with her dad every week, they separated when she was just born. She's well aware of who her 'family' are and what step parents are etc and quite enjoys having step parents in addition to her real parents. I doubt a 4 year old really gets the difference between the actual technical definitions of who you are, you'll be the man who's there everyday and looks after him, his real dad will always be the man who turns up every few months. I'd expect normality to return very quickly, he'll soon get bored about the novelty of who is and isn't family

[pixie373]

Yes. I think you and your wife need to speak to the little boy and explain how things are. His dad is being difficult and forcing your hand, but at least you know and can reassure him.

[bednobs]

i also think he wont remember. You and your family can show him everyday by your words and actions what family means to you, and that's what he'll grow up remembering - not a one off incident

[jAMESi]

I think it is going to be bad while he is young, because like other posters have said, his father is confusing him. But when the boy gets older, he is going to understand what his father has done to him and he will probably be pissed.

I know I would be if I realized that my father wasn't doing something for my benefit, but to get back at my mother and her relationship. Children are many times used as pawns for hurting the other parent.

Key word there being "used" His father is being really deceptive with his child. Basically manipulating him to get back at his mother, in the guise of helping him. It's a very passive aggressive thing to do.

Because he can say, "Oh, I'm just doing what's right. He should know these thing", when inside, he's thinking, "I'm gonna get that witch for leaving me. If I'm not happy, she's not going to be!"