Please Help me, need feedback ....

[HAnn521]

I am afraid of the responses that I might get not being what I hope to hear, but I still need your feedback AB! I would like to know if you think that 1 year into a relationship should be enough time to know if you love someone or not?? and by love I mean, in love with them, see marriage with them in the future, can't see living without them....

Should a year be more than enough time? or is it different for everyone and for some that is just not enough time? Does it depend on age? Do you think that it's a bad sign if your partner doesn't know if they love you that way after being with you for a year??

Please give me your thoughts on this....I am uneasy about what I might hear, but I need to know or I won't be able to rest!

[saxo_boi]

hi

i would say that it is different for everybody. but you have to think that even if they are unsure if they "love" you, they have spent a whole year with you which is a very large amount of time, if they didnt like you, or care about you then they wouldnt have done that. also maybe they might be scared of commitment etc, it may seem silly to you but they might be worried of what it might bring. also they may be thinking that if you both start thinking about marriage etc then it will change the way the both of you are. maybe they are very happy at the moment and they dont want things to change. to be honest i think i would personally be able to tell somebody if i loved them or not after a year. but as i say everbody is different arent they!

[andy hughes]

I agree - everyone is different, and without knowing you, or your partner, it's hard to comment accurately.

If you feel restless and unsure about the situation, it indicates that maybe you think it's time to make a commitment, or move on, and there's nothing wrong with that, if that's what you feel.

You need to discuss what you  both see as the future - or not - of your relationship, and if you are both honest, and work out what you both want, you'll be in a position to move forward, or move on.

[saxo_boi]

i agree you both need to sit down and tell eachother truthfully what you want etc. dont presurise eachother into making the other person hear what they want to hear, just be honest with eachother and then at least your mind will be at rest!also dont forget the good times because its very easy to do when you are having a bad patch!

[HAnn521]

but andy...the question is; would you personally think that a year with someone is plenty of time to know if you are in love with them? or from your experience, what you've seen, do you think that for some, it simply takes more time to realize true feelings?

[hugoboss]

what you've also got to bear in mind is that different people have different perceptions of 'love'. just because he hasn't said "i love you", it doesn't mean he dislikes you! in fact, he obviously cares about you very much, otherwise he wouldn't stay!

It's quite possible that he has a different concept of love to you. He may not know what love is for a start. Or he sees love as a huge awesome thing that he can't comprehend perhaps.

Try not to put pressure on yourself and the relationship by worrying about this. You should enjoy the time you have with him, and getting to know him with time may make it easier for him to understand his feelings. Enjoy the experience of being close to someone and let nature take it's course! good luck x

[Kilala]

My Stepo father has been married to my mother for almost 20 years.  He has never once said 'I love you' to her.  Once I just asked him if he did.  He certainly wasn't happy about me interferring, but hey, what are step kids for.  He got all sheepish and said"What is love?  Is it words and buying flowers, or is it getting up an hour before i have to every morning to de-ice your mum's car, get the engine warmed up and wake her with a cup of tea?"  He answered my question so wonderfully, that ever since, I have always strived for pure devotion over the words of love.  Now, I am with a man who never said he loved me, till one day, when it was followed shortly by 'marry me.'  Don't get caught up on the unimportant things, HAnn.

[boobesque]

go at your own pace, my mum was with my real dad for years and she didnt love him, just liked him. She met and married my step-dad in 6 months.

I fell in love with my bf after a month and moved in after 4 months together and we are still together.

If you are happy, and he treats you well then i wouldnt worry.

Maybe one day you should take the bull by the horns and ask if he loves you!!

good luck x

[cymruambyth1]

I'm 20, I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years. I went out with him just for the sake of it in the beginning, realised that was wrong then dumped him, again went out with him cos i felt sorry for him, then the third time everything just felt completely different, it was like over night i realised that i really liked him and was in love with him, I think you can be in love at any age, people have different maturity levels and different people can handle these feelings. You know when your in love, theres lust, theres just liking someone, you might love someone but you dont neccessarily want to spend the whole of your life with them, but you do need to find out whether your partner feels the same as you otherwise your just going to get hurt. I mean how would you feel if you stayed with your partner and years down the line you find out he didnt love you as much as you love him, Lack of communication can cause many problems in relationships, so you should definately talk to him about it, he might be thinking the same thing. And just because he hasnt said "i love you" doesnt mean he doesnt, its different for blokes, the emotional thing, they find it harder to talk about those things, he might just take it for granted that you know he loves you,

[HAnn521]

OK, Please answer me this...if after we have sat down with each other and talked about how we both feel after having been together for a year...and I discover that at that point, he IS NOT in love with me...but I have already felt like I love him, and believe I could love him for my life....What should I do?? Do I wait and stay with him with the hope that with more time, his feelings for me grow into love? or do I need to cut it off now before I do get further and futher into it and find out I have been loving someone who can't love me??

I don't want to let it continue to get more serious for me and then end after an even longer period of time, when it will hurt me the most!

But, I also don't want to leave him simply because a year wasn't enough time for him to know he's in love with me/could be in love with me...Do I give it more time, or am I just digging myself into a hole by hoping that with time, he could love me??

[cymruambyth1]

Look this is only my opinion so dont follow other peoples opinion just take them into account, but do you really want to try and make him love you?? you will be forever trying to please him. I would think that after a year you would know whether you loved someone or not, or is he just someone who is there for you not neccessarily a partner. Obviously you dont want to leave someone when you have been with them for a year but sometimes u have to go through the pain to get to the pleasure. How old are u?

[burnhal]

There can never be a general rule- I met my wife- proposed after 2 months and we have been together 26 years but it wont work like that for everyone. Reading    between your lines are you asking us to tell you what you already think- that it isn't going to work and its time to move on?

[HAnn521]

cymruambyth, I am 22 now and in August my boyfriend and I will have hit the year mark. I have always been in long-term relationships (my previous-3 years), so a year isn't even that long for me actually...We have spent a lot of time together and grown so close over the past year! He himself has expressed that he loves being with me, spending time with me, and greatly misses me when we're apart...but he has admitted that he is afraid that...in his words "though his head is telling him I am everything he has looked for and hoped for, his heart is not telling him he is love with me" and he just hasn't pictured me being his marriage partner...

anytime we fight, he goes through great lengths to work things out with me and I know he can't stand to think about us breaking up....he wants us to stay together....BUT, can I stay together with someone who can't decide if he loves me after a year?? or can't see me as marriage material??

I am mostly worried, like I said, that me having stronger feelings for him than he has for me (at this point) is going to hurt me later, should I continue to stay with him!?

[nfn]

Baby, the truth is none of us know! I have felt like I'm almost in love instantly then found out I'm really not all that keen on him in the light of day (after the honeymoon period). My one true love was very gradual (he really annoyed me at first cos I fancied his mate and he was always there - cos he fancied me!)!!

If your fella has told you in no uncertain terms that he doesn't love you and NEVER WILL then, hard as it is, I would walk away. He's not Mr Right, just Mr Alright For Now. If he's just dithering though I'd set a date. Not love me by 23.10.05, but if you don't think you'll feel differently in a month maybe we should call it a day. If he does truly love you and can't imagine life without you he'll suddenly (around the date you've determined) realise he does love you but just doesn't know what love is.

Either way, we're here chicken

[shehin]

Are you happy with the way your partner treats you?

If you are, there's no problem

If you're not, you deserve better.

The length of time you have been with a person is irrelevant

[Peri]

On a very personal note HAnn I knew after a couple of months and have been married for 23 years now.   You are obviously doubting your relationship in the long term as you have asked a few questions on AB relating to this.  A bit of time apart could be what you need right now to see how you both feel. 

[jno]

I say this very hesitantly HAnn but I think Peri is right. You can only resolve your own doubts, not his. Only he can decide if he loves you. The question is whether you are happy in this limbo. It rather sounds as if you aren't. A year is quite a lot of time - enough to get over initial infatuation, anyway, and to start thinking about the long term. If he still isn't sure - and isn't sure if he will ever be sure - you have to decide what to do about it. As cymru says, you can't make him love you, you can only act for yourself. It sounds as if you are being honest with each other, which is good because it means your actions won't be based on misunderstandings.

My own feeling: you're not unhappy but you're not content, and that isn't quite good enough for a relationship. You should try taking a break from him (not a divorce, just a break), and seeing if the feeling of freedom is stronger than the desire to have him back. But this is only one person's opinion; consider it but don't be bound by it. Good luck; there's no easy choice.

[twiglet4frog]

sounds to me like he really likes u a lot if he wants to sort things out with u so much and says u are everything he wants in his head, but that he is a bit afraid of commitment and see's it as a closing door or something, that getting engaged or married at 22 or 23 is too young and he is scared of  if he is doing the right thing, that is natural tho, it might take years for him to suddenly feel ready to commit. I think u need to talk to him more about what is stopping him see into the future with u, whether he is having doubts about the whole commitment thing, and ask him direct whether he is likely to want to be as involved as u are now in 12 months time, or if he thinks things are running their course now. It can take up to three years by my own experience to fall for someone enough to consider a future with them so he probably cares very much for u and will eventually mature and become ready to say "yes i want u forever" but it would be worth asking him if he is scared of the whole commitment at a young age thing is bothering him, and u need to reassure him not be upset with him if it is. It has nothing to do with his feelings towards u, it is just he might want to take his time.

[georgit79]

I have never told anyone that I love them. I've certainly felt it a couple of times before (at least I think I have), but I've never been able to form the words into speech! The closest I ever got was writing it in a letter, but then I was so scared of showing all these feelings, I took it back.

Just remember that it's much harder for some people to express themselves than it is for others!

[HAnn521]

I Just wanted to say Thanks to everyone for your replies...and I am sorry that some of you are starting to notice a trend here in my threads that ask for relationship advice...I know it's mostly on account of the year "anniversary" rapidly approaching that I have had so many questions and worries lately...it is certainly not because I am unhappy with my partner at all!

I have decided that from knowing him by now and understanding who he is, he is simply taking his time with commitment to someone and taking his time when it comes to thinking about marriage. I have come to the conclusion that he is just the type of guy that will need more time before he starts to add thoughts of the future into his planning. All though, the more I think about it, the more signs I see that show me how much he really cares for me already...and things he says that indicate him having a future with me.

We both have said that we are not the casual dating type and we are in this relationship because we want more than to just have fun with someone. He has told me he is definately not just with me to have fun! and that is all I need to hear right now...he makes me happy, makes me smile, and makes me feel loved....so the fact that he can't say the words to me is not important to me right now, but it is important...so we'll see what life brings us in the near future....

Many thanks to all you caring strangers...