ChatterBank72 mins ago
Relationship Troubles
46 Answers
I met someone about 8 months ago and we quickly formed a close friendship. I have 'known' him for years as he's been good friends with my husband and was often at our house, although I never really spoke to him much.
I was at quite a low point when we first properly got talking, and he really did help me with some major problems I was going through.
Things soon developed and our friendship turned into an affair, as he also had a partner.
I have been unhappy for a while but for financial reasons and my children I have not felt possible to leave my husband. I know that sounds like a poor excuse but it's the only reasons I have.
He is everything my husband isn't. He encourages me to get out of the house, whereas my husband seems to put a stop to everything I want to do (jobs, socialing etc), he got me out of a real depressive point where I was self-harming on a daily basis, whereas my husband just saw what I was doing and did nothing to try and help. He encourages me not to drink (I have a drink problem) whereas my husband will go out and buy me two bottles of wine in the evening so he doesn't have to spend any time with me and can just sit in his room on his computer all night... I could go on and on.
He told me from the beginning that his relationship with his partner was "over" and that he had been thinking of leaving her for almost a year. He also told me that they had no physical relationship of any kind and that they hadn't had sex since April of last year.
I realise what I was doing was still wrong, but this kind of softened the blow and didn't make me feel as bad.
It all came to a head and he left her in January. He told me they'd had an almighty row and that he'd told her it was all over.
I thought this could have been the start of something and that maybe we would have a chance of being together and building a life together that we had often spoke about.
They remained friends on Facebook and she continued to text/call him. I found this a bit odd but he said she just wouldn't let it go and was 'hounding him'.
I then found out from someone else that he'd told them they were having a break and going back to basics and dating!
When I asked him about this he denied ever saying it and said it was definitely all over.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, this went on for weeks and weeks. He kept telling me he'd finished things, yet he still had to keep going round there for some reason and communicating with her. He was secretive about a few things and on one occasion when he'd told me he'd been there to pick up some stuff but was now home, he hung up on me when I tried to call and then later said he'd left his phone in the car - despite the fact it didn't ring off, it was ended quite quickly.
I said I was confused and that I thought things had finished, to which he said "it's definitely now done"... and this went on again for a few weeks, with him repeating that it was now over, despite having already said on more than one occasion that it already was.
So, he met up with her again yesterday morning. I have no idea why, and when I've asked he just said that he owed it to her to see her face to face (which, he'd already done more than once).
It all came to a head and he told her he'd been seeing someone else. She asked who it was, he said it didn't matter, and then apparently she guessed and he confirmed this.
It gets worse.
I phoned him yesterday afternoon and he told me about their meet up and what had happened and then he said "I don't really know how to tell you this (and then paused and stumbled his words for a while) but she's basically saying that she got pregnant a few months ago and lost the baby".
I was, obviously, a bit lost for words, and then he said "I can't even remember having sex with her though", and he still stands by his "no sex since April" story.
I have been building up to leave my husband for this man, yet I now have this huge seed of doubt in my mind that makes me wonder..
I was at quite a low point when we first properly got talking, and he really did help me with some major problems I was going through.
Things soon developed and our friendship turned into an affair, as he also had a partner.
I have been unhappy for a while but for financial reasons and my children I have not felt possible to leave my husband. I know that sounds like a poor excuse but it's the only reasons I have.
He is everything my husband isn't. He encourages me to get out of the house, whereas my husband seems to put a stop to everything I want to do (jobs, socialing etc), he got me out of a real depressive point where I was self-harming on a daily basis, whereas my husband just saw what I was doing and did nothing to try and help. He encourages me not to drink (I have a drink problem) whereas my husband will go out and buy me two bottles of wine in the evening so he doesn't have to spend any time with me and can just sit in his room on his computer all night... I could go on and on.
He told me from the beginning that his relationship with his partner was "over" and that he had been thinking of leaving her for almost a year. He also told me that they had no physical relationship of any kind and that they hadn't had sex since April of last year.
I realise what I was doing was still wrong, but this kind of softened the blow and didn't make me feel as bad.
It all came to a head and he left her in January. He told me they'd had an almighty row and that he'd told her it was all over.
I thought this could have been the start of something and that maybe we would have a chance of being together and building a life together that we had often spoke about.
They remained friends on Facebook and she continued to text/call him. I found this a bit odd but he said she just wouldn't let it go and was 'hounding him'.
I then found out from someone else that he'd told them they were having a break and going back to basics and dating!
When I asked him about this he denied ever saying it and said it was definitely all over.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, this went on for weeks and weeks. He kept telling me he'd finished things, yet he still had to keep going round there for some reason and communicating with her. He was secretive about a few things and on one occasion when he'd told me he'd been there to pick up some stuff but was now home, he hung up on me when I tried to call and then later said he'd left his phone in the car - despite the fact it didn't ring off, it was ended quite quickly.
I said I was confused and that I thought things had finished, to which he said "it's definitely now done"... and this went on again for a few weeks, with him repeating that it was now over, despite having already said on more than one occasion that it already was.
So, he met up with her again yesterday morning. I have no idea why, and when I've asked he just said that he owed it to her to see her face to face (which, he'd already done more than once).
It all came to a head and he told her he'd been seeing someone else. She asked who it was, he said it didn't matter, and then apparently she guessed and he confirmed this.
It gets worse.
I phoned him yesterday afternoon and he told me about their meet up and what had happened and then he said "I don't really know how to tell you this (and then paused and stumbled his words for a while) but she's basically saying that she got pregnant a few months ago and lost the baby".
I was, obviously, a bit lost for words, and then he said "I can't even remember having sex with her though", and he still stands by his "no sex since April" story.
I have been building up to leave my husband for this man, yet I now have this huge seed of doubt in my mind that makes me wonder..
Answers
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I know what you're saying is correct, Old_Geezer and Eccles, but I am so afraid of going back to where I was.
When I met him I was drinking heavily, both at night and during the day, and cutting myself (I have no idea why) and that all seems to have calmed down.
He said to me a few weeks ago that he would hate to see our relationship end because he knows I would go back to doing exactly what I was doing then, and he's probably right, which is why I guess I'm clinging on to him.
When I met him I was drinking heavily, both at night and during the day, and cutting myself (I have no idea why) and that all seems to have calmed down.
He said to me a few weeks ago that he would hate to see our relationship end because he knows I would go back to doing exactly what I was doing then, and he's probably right, which is why I guess I'm clinging on to him.
You're scared of the unknown, not a big surprise really...we all are to some degree.
In the long term you need to be able to stand in your own two feet and the sooner you do so the better.
Your 'boyfriend' is not fully committed to you and you would be daft to pin all your hopes on him being your saviour.
You've already acknowledged that we are a talking sense you just need to now find the inner strength to break loose from these men and go it alone for a while.
You've mentioned your sister, could you not look to her for moral support?
In the long term you need to be able to stand in your own two feet and the sooner you do so the better.
Your 'boyfriend' is not fully committed to you and you would be daft to pin all your hopes on him being your saviour.
You've already acknowledged that we are a talking sense you just need to now find the inner strength to break loose from these men and go it alone for a while.
You've mentioned your sister, could you not look to her for moral support?
My family know I am very unhappy where I am. They do often try and get me to talk, and just the other day I had a bit of a heart-to-heart with my brother in law who said him and my sister were both worried about me.
I wish I could just blurt out everything that's been going on, because I know then my family would try and help me with the actual moving out and stuff, but I just don't know how they would react.
I think you're right, I don't think he is committed. If he was then he wouldn't have lied about ending things with her and then continuing to see her over the course of the month.
I suppose I know deep down what I need to do.
I wish I could just blurt out everything that's been going on, because I know then my family would try and help me with the actual moving out and stuff, but I just don't know how they would react.
I think you're right, I don't think he is committed. If he was then he wouldn't have lied about ending things with her and then continuing to see her over the course of the month.
I suppose I know deep down what I need to do.
Sit down and have a chat, a serious one, with your husband.
Maybe he's feeling as lost and depressed as you and the only way he know how to deal with it is the way he has been, eg/buying bottles of wine.
'just to keep the peace' as it were.
Tell him how you feel, maybe he'll realise you need more emotional support and surprise you?
Your husband might be shutting himself off from you, as he doesn't know what to do or say to be there for you?
Do not jump out of the frying pan into the fire xxx
Maybe he's feeling as lost and depressed as you and the only way he know how to deal with it is the way he has been, eg/buying bottles of wine.
'just to keep the peace' as it were.
Tell him how you feel, maybe he'll realise you need more emotional support and surprise you?
Your husband might be shutting himself off from you, as he doesn't know what to do or say to be there for you?
Do not jump out of the frying pan into the fire xxx
It sounds like you have a loving and supportive family, it may be that they have been watching from the wings and not wanted to interfere until you ask for help. It certainly sounds like they are aware that all isn't well.
Blurt it out and ask for the help that you need and they will in all probability rally round you.
Blurt it out and ask for the help that you need and they will in all probability rally round you.
Alba, I have had that serious conversation with him on many, many occasions now.
I tell him I feel depressed spending every evening sat on my own, I tell him I need more help with the kids, I tell him I need some emotional support, and although he listens and things are then great for a week or two, it always goes back to 'normal'.
It's got to the point now where I don't even bother. It just seems pointless.
My children would be coming with me, there's no doubt about that. I have no intentions of moving out and moving in with someone else, I'd be living alone with my children, so when I say "alone" I don't mean it in the sense I would be solely on my own.
I have stuck with him for over ten years now, and the children have always been my reason to not leave, but the thought of being here in this situation another ten years from now is just depressing.
I am spending Sunday with my parents, on my own, so I am seriously contemplating having a serious talk with them and telling them what's been going on.
I tell him I feel depressed spending every evening sat on my own, I tell him I need more help with the kids, I tell him I need some emotional support, and although he listens and things are then great for a week or two, it always goes back to 'normal'.
It's got to the point now where I don't even bother. It just seems pointless.
My children would be coming with me, there's no doubt about that. I have no intentions of moving out and moving in with someone else, I'd be living alone with my children, so when I say "alone" I don't mean it in the sense I would be solely on my own.
I have stuck with him for over ten years now, and the children have always been my reason to not leave, but the thought of being here in this situation another ten years from now is just depressing.
I am spending Sunday with my parents, on my own, so I am seriously contemplating having a serious talk with them and telling them what's been going on.
It sounds to me that you have two separate problems and should see them as such (1) Your relationship with your partner and (2) your relationship with this man. By linking them in such a manner you are confused.
Do you want to leave your partner anyway? and if he didn't exist, would this other one be the right one for you, given your doubts?
If you are really unhappy with your partner, the there is the option to leave him and be single for a while, while you see things more clearly.
Do you want to leave your partner anyway? and if he didn't exist, would this other one be the right one for you, given your doubts?
If you are really unhappy with your partner, the there is the option to leave him and be single for a while, while you see things more clearly.
Khandro, I have wanted to leave my partner for a while now. Meeting this man has just given the motivation or increase my desire to do so.
I do really, really want to be with this new man. Well, at least I thought I did up until yesterday when he dropped that bombshell, but it's the constant doubt that worries me.
I have never been a jealous person, but there's just something about him that constantly makes me paranoid and thinking he's up to no good.
I have told myself over the past few months that that's MY problem and it would probably disappear if we were together 'properly', but now I'm not so sure.
It's the lying and inconsistencies.
I do really, really want to be with this new man. Well, at least I thought I did up until yesterday when he dropped that bombshell, but it's the constant doubt that worries me.
I have never been a jealous person, but there's just something about him that constantly makes me paranoid and thinking he's up to no good.
I have told myself over the past few months that that's MY problem and it would probably disappear if we were together 'properly', but now I'm not so sure.
It's the lying and inconsistencies.
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