Visiting Hospital

[jennyjoan]

My friend is still in hospital and is not very well and according to her sista and her - she doesn't want visitors - which I understand.

However another friend who had cause to go to the cancer unit yesterday called with her at random and sick friend was glad to see her.

I am in a bit of a dilemma - last time I visited her - she was apathetic at the beginning of our visit but on leaving perked up no end.

I do feel awful NOT going but am abiding by her wishes. Would you do so too.

[andy-hughes]

I'd go and see her.

You can soon pick up from her demeanour if she would like you to stay or not. If she is not keen and makes it obvious, you need not return, but if she was simply feeling a bit off that day, it would be a shame for her never to receive another visitor, and quite possibly not even know why.

[scorpiojo]

Can you text her, Conne?

[jennyjoan]

thanks Andy - but even friend who visited her yesterday rang me after the visit and I explained to her how I felt. This friend said "I wouldn't worry too much because when I was sick - I too - didn't want visitors".

[jennyjoan]

No Scorpio - can't text -

[jennyjoan]

I also know when my brother who was sick he told his 4 sons and girlfriend not to come back. Within one week he texted them all "oh please come back". So I was thinking of that.

[Mamyalynne]

Yes, go and say you'll leave if she is too tired etc - then see how the visit goes.

[andy-hughes]

jennyjoan - //thanks Andy - but even friend who visited her yesterday rang me after the visit and I explained to her how I felt. This friend said "I wouldn't worry too much because when I was sick - I too - didn't want visitors". //

Peoples' approaches to illness vary.

I hate being looked after, and I would prefer not to be visited in hospital, but would never turn anyone away.

My wife enjoys being looked after, and would always welcome visitors.

But - I would not suggest that my approach should be applied to her, or her approach to me.

Just because other people don't like visitors does not mean your friend doesn't - and as I said, the best way to gauge her feelings is to go and see for yourself.

[MallyJ]

If your friend has told you that she does not want to be visitors then accept what she has said.... write her a funny/ chatty letter ... or several,. Maybe send her small gifts. I have no doubt when she wants to see you she will let you know. Let her be for the moment.

[jennyjoan]

Well Andy that's just the point - last time I visited - (she wouldn't have many friends ie 4-5) - she told me "I am exhausted trying to text people to tell them not to visit". Can you imagine how I felt.

I then said to her every 10mins - I'll go now - "no, wait etc and I didn't get away for another 2 hours". Damned if I do, and damned if I don't.

[jennyjoan]

Thanks Mallyj - that's what my gut feeling is telling me.

When she first went into hospital she rang me to let me know.

And her sista has told me when said friend is okay - sista will let me know. I am fine with that of course.

[andy-hughes]

jennyjoan - this sounds like the reaction of someone who is lonely and unhappy and is doing the usual 'British' response of trying to usher you away because she doesn't want to take up your time, but actually, she is glad you are there.

I'd ignore the protestations unless she makes it really clear that she would rather you left and / or did not visit. that way you can be sure that you offered to visit, and your offer was not appreciated, and your conscience is clear.

But I am tipping that she won't.

[jennyjoan]

You have got it one Andy - a very very lonely lady indeed but of course very proud.

[MallyJ]

I have to say andy-hughes that if I specifically asked people not to visit me in hospital and they did I would be very upset with that person, as evidently he/she had not taken a blind bit of notice of my wishes. That would indicate that the person was thinking about themselves and not about me. I did ask not to be visited and only one person ignored my wishes..... we are no longer friends!!

[jambutty]

But maybe you're not old and lonely mally and don't feel like a burden as so many old people do.

[Prudie]

You actually have no way of knowing who is right on here. I have thought that in certain circumstances I'd want no visitors in hospital and I'd mean it. I might put on an effort if someone came in unannounced but if i said no visitors that would be because I'd want to be left alone not because I felt a burden and secretly wanted them.

[andy-hughes]

MallyJ - //I have to say andy-hughes that if I specifically asked people not to visit me in hospital and they did I would be very upset with that person, as evidently he/she had not taken a blind bit of notice of my wishes. That would indicate that the person was thinking about themselves and not about me. I did ask not to be visited and only one person ignored my wishes..... we are no longer friends!! //

I entirely take your point, but you have to consider that for every one like you - and indeed me - who says what they mean, and is happy for a request to be respected - there are dozens - especially of the older generation, who say one thing but actually mean another.

So - 'Please don't visit me ...' actually means 'I don't want to take up your time and put you to any trouble, but if you do come, I will be please to see you."

Yes its frustrating and confusing, but we work around it in order to make sure that the older generation are as happy as we can make them.

[andy-hughes]

Prudie - //You actually have no way of knowing who is right on here. I have thought that in certain circumstances I'd want no visitors in hospital and I'd mean it. I might put on an effort if someone came in unannounced but if i said no visitors that would be because I'd want to be left alone not because I felt a burden and secretly wanted them. //

I refer you to my post which follows yours.

[Sqad]

She doesn't want visitors..........what more do you need?
Not every one who is a patient in hospital wants visitors.......I didn't.

[jambutty]

Possibly on reflection though, if someone said no visitors, I probably wouldn't go.

[Peter Pedant]

No I would visit for three minutes

makes you feel good and if the visitee doesnt like it - the torture only lasts three mins and then she has to think what else to do for 23 h 57 mins