Cheating husband

[lacuna bless]

Have just asked husband of 28yrs to leave after discovering 6mth affair with woman half my age. Left with income reduced from �56K to �4K.Our children are10,19 and 21yrs old. The two oldest are seeking work. He has rented a house for �650 p.m.Our bills are �700 without food or extras. Does anyone know what a reasonable amount of maintenance would be? He wants to keep it amicable (therefore I assume away from the lawyers) at present and has left the joint account open. Any ideas??

[WendyS]

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. It's one thing to try and keep it amicable and away from the lawyers but will he cheat on you a second time by not disclosing his full income if he's going to have a second home and relationship to support? He might find himself under increasing financial pressure which reflects adversely on you. You will certainly be entitled to child support until your youngest child reaches 18. I'd be inclined to get a consultation with a lawyer anyway, if only to protect yourself and your children.

[Drusilla]

Sorry to have to say it, but you must lawyer up. He may seem reasonable, but his financial assistance will probably not reflect your full rights in law and it allows him to keep control over your situation. Going it alone is fine for young couples with no children, who, after a couple of years of marriage realise they've made a mistake. You have invested 28 years of your life, had three children and made a home. I fear you will underestimate just how much this is worth financially- a lawyer won't! Take care and good luck to you.

[lady_p_gold]

Yes I agree .... of course he wants to keep it away from the lawyers, and he is in a very weak position. He should have spoken to you about things rather than going behind your back. There are also a lot of factors to take into account, have you got a mortgage and how much is it, etc. etc. What about in years to come, things like a pension etc. And what if this lady became pregnant, and he then had to support that child too. Go to a lawyer and get him to at least register the separation and to draw up a schedule of your monthly outgoings so that you can work out what you feel is fair. I hate to say this but things so often start out like this and then before you know where you are he has pulled all sorts of strokes (i.e. borrowing a lot of money to buy a car or something so that it shows as a debt on his side and therefore an outgoing he has to pay) and you are then in difficult situation.

[mullein3]

get everything you can...and stop letting him take control of the situation to suit himself..which is what he is doing at the moment..you are making it to easy for him..also get to see a solicitor asap...if you have no legal document he can cut you off without a penny at any time..also you are entitled to pension etc etc...their is allways a chance he may want to return if that happens make sure its on your terms..he has probably just had a mid life crisis and it will all sort itself out..but dont be a doormat..i have been married as long as you and i wouldnt take this situation lightly..show him you are not a doormat for himself..and make things difficult..

[lacuna bless]

Thanks all, have booked appt. with solicitor.Have worked out what I think is a reasonable amount meanwhile. Will let you know outcome after his next visit. Just wish I could sleep better!!

[mullein3]

lacuna...he has had the best years of your life..and you still have the child that is 10 to consider why should they go without because their dad has had a mid life crisis..i bet he wants to be amicable..that is until another woman gets their claws in him and grudges anything you recieve...look after number one...i am glad you are getting legal advice..and also i think if you focus on positive things maybe even change your lifestyle or go into adult education you will sleep better..show him you can be independant and do things for yourself learn some new skills..and that will give you something to focus on..you will probably find as i said before he will want to come back..as when it gets tough for him which i hope it will when you have seen your solicitor...and get everything you are entitled to ..he will see the error of his ways..then you can watch him squirm...if mr m left me i would take him for everything ..and i wouldnt bat an eyelid..as i have worked and cleaned the home for 29 years so their is no way he could escape lightly...take care and dont be a door mat you will recieve greater respect by being firm...

[Eels]

Just wanted to add a bit of support for you lacuna. I think you should be very proud of the practical way you are handling this situation - you are a mature and independent woman who has a right not to be beholden to anyone, far less someone close who has let you down tremendously. You too have worked hard these years, and been a pivotal part of the team which has got you both to where you are in life. Don't sell yourself (or your kids) short.

Once this is sorted you can shake this mess out of your hair and move forward, to live for yourself!

[Gef]

Get legal advice and mark the date of the separation. However, after that use lawyers as little as possible as they are very expensive and you have to pay your own bills. If everything is amicable try to sort out as much as possible yourselves. Good luck.

[dinga]

Don't forget the pension, that he's been paying into for X amount of years, you have probably taken time out to look after your children during the last 28 years and you will end up with a state pension and that's if you are lucky. You must take his pension into account. It sounds harsh but don't fall for the the sobbing! Looking forward to hearing how you are getting on. Lots of Luck and Strengthxx