I Need To Toughen Up But How?

[GymLadTim]

I was involved in an incident last weekend that has shaken me to my core and made me realise I need to grow a thicker skin but how – I care about people but fall apart when dealing with any conflict or verbal aggression?

I was walking in my hometown of Hanley last Saturday on one of the busiest shopping streets. I was horrified to see a man openly emptying his colostomy bag into a public drain – (one of the ones at the edge of a road). I thought don’t judge him Tim it may be a medical emergency. I went over to the man and asked if I could offer any support (very calmly and politely). I won’t repeat his reply but it was not pleasant. I explained (still calm and polite) and possibly illegal. The gentleman was very abusive calling me names that I won’t repeat. He then began to follow me shouting abuse and I ran away.

I went to my mom’s and explained what had happened. I then just burst into tears in my moms arms and I have been emotional about it since. A few weeks ago I was involved in a very similar incident in KFC. I heard a mom telling her son that he was her second favourite behind his brother. I said something and the whole thing escalated. My mom says I should that if there was not a good reason why he was doing this it was inappropriate, unacceptable mind my own business and my friend Kelly says I need to toughen up.

I’m 21 years old and soft like marshmallow inside but have a good heart. Has anyone else had to toughen up and how did you do it?

[GymLadTim]

This bit should say "I explained (still calm and polite) that his behaviour was unacceptable, undignified and possibly illegal".

[ummmm]

Keep your nose out of other people's business.

[Bobbisox1]

We don't generally refer to our mothers here as Mom,are you from the USA GYMladTim?

[GymLadTim]

No I'm from England

[tonyav]

It's mom here in the Black country, Bobbi.

[GymLadTim]

I'm from Stoke.

[Baldric]

Just keep yourself to yourself in future.

[andy-hughes]

If you feel strong enough emotionally to tackle strangers over what you think is wrong with their behaviour, you need to be strong enough emotionally to accept the more than likely hostile reaction you are going to provoke.

If - as seems to be the case - you lack the emotional strength to deal with the reactions you create, the best option is simply not to create them.

No-one likes to be told by a total stranger that their behaviour is not acceptable - it may be, but that does not increase the chances of a conversation opened with criticism of a stranger ending well.

I would dial down your social conscience, and learn to accept that some people do not behave as you, or probably I, think they should, but that does not give you the right to call them out for it. They will not for one moment stop to consider the validity of your point, you will simply receive varying degrees of hostility, and it's clear you are not up for dealing with that.

[Bobbisox1]

Okay,then the best thing to do is avoid such situations, not that they're everyday occurrences I'd imagine

[andy-hughes]

GLT - I live in Stoke, and the way the city is these days, you really are better walking away - trust me!

[GymLadTim]

Thanks for your answers. What bothered me most about the gentleman emptying his bag into the drain was that there were children around. I feel like sometimes we all need to challenge but I want to be strong enough to deal with the consequences.

[retrocop]

//GLT - I live in Stoke, and the way the city is these days, you really are better walking away - trust me!//

Really.? Please tell us what brings you to that conclusion.

[Bobbisox1]

I agree, that shouldn't have happened and you're much the better person for trying to help but as soon as you hear aggression, then walk away from it

[bednobs]

children would not have cared, Children know what poo is ya know!

[ummmm]

Would you rather his bag overflowed onto the pavement and all over himself?

[JimF]

I sincerely hope you never need to wear a colostomy bag but, if you do, please remember this thread. You may have thought "Don't judge him" yet you judged him. What on earth do you think gives you the right to do that? You talk about getting a thicker skin - you might think about getting a whole dose of perspective first!

[andy-hughes]

retrocop - // //GLT - I live in Stoke, and the way the city is these days, you really are better walking away - trust me!//

Really.? Please tell us what brings you to that conclusion. //

I will tell you, because you are the one asking - the deterioration in the general demeanour of a lot of the people who populate the city mean that confrontation, while never a good idea unless life and limb is at stake, is even less likely to end well, as I have advised.

[ummmm]

A thicker skin might be what he needs when he says it to the wrong person!

And the second favourite child thing...that's probably just banter.

[andy-hughes]

ummm - // And the second favourite child thing...that's probably just banter. //

Either the mum was joshing with her kids, in which case she would not appreciate a stranger advising her how to conduct herself, or she was serious, in which case she would not appreciate a stranger advising her how to conduct herself!!!

[GymLadTim]

I approached the gentleman and said "excuse me sir I've noticed that you are emptying your bag in the road, are you okay? Can I help?" In reply I got a mouthful of F's and C's. I had no intention in judging the man.