Am i in the wrong

[ingram]

Please is there anyone out there with a similer problem. i have been with my partner for seven years when i met him he told me he did coke.He moved away from his old haunt and stopped doing it for two years,then it started again sometimes for two to three day's.the last eight weeks he has not done any but this weekend it was hell again drinking and doing coke all the time.I do love him that is why i have put up with it . iknw a lot of you will think i'm barmy living like this .(I AGREE WITH THAT).he say's i should'nt be so hard on him as there are loads of people doing it now.But i hate him doing it. What do you think. am i wrong .

[atolhurst]

It doesn't matter whether lots of people do coke- if you don't agree with it, you don't agree with it.

The question is whether the two of you can compromise on the matter and come to an agreeable point.

If you can't budge on your opinion, then he needs to stop it. Totally. If he can't do that, you're wasting your time in this relationship as it will only lead to arguments. I'm sure you love him, but you may end up resenting him over this.

[MiniN]

He may be right that more peopl use it! but that does not make it any better! more peopple use it now probably because its cheaper than it used to be and celebs do it. but i doubt he'll like the drug so much when his septum falls out! seriously though, he should worry about what its doing to his body!

He is wrong to start doing it again and if he cared for you he would definately give it up!

think of it this way - in ten years time do you still want to be having the same coke issues with him? if not, leave him.

sorry if i seem harsh but if your not happy with it he shouldn't be making you put up with it!

x

[Laurinha]

Maybe you should give him a little slack. I'm not saying I agree with him but I mean if it's only a weekend every couple of months - give the guy a break!

However if it really disagrees with you that much - only you can decide if you can put up with it! Good luck x

[rampart]

You are clearly not happy with your situation. Life is short, and there are plenty of people out there. It does not sound like your partner intends to change.

[Englishbird]

With my ex, we had a deal (which he kept to 90% of the time) that he could do what he liked when i wasn't around, but that i didn't want drugs as part of my life and therefore I didn't want him doing them when he was out with me.

He had wanted to cut down, so i think this suited him to a certain extent at the time. I happen to know that since we've split (we were together 4 years) that he's right back on all sorts of drugs with avengance.

Christmas time was worse as there's a lot of it floating around. If you don't want it as part of your life he has to respect that. However if it is his choice to take it, then (grudgingly) you have to accept that - the word here is most definately compromise!!!

It did play a part in the break up of my relationship, but was by no means the deciding factor. good luck. x

[WendyS]

If you don't want drug and coke in your life, maybe it's time to make the hard decision and split. His drinking and drugs habit will probably only make him even worse to live with as the years go by. What if you have children? Is this the sort of environment in which you want them to be brought up.

If he knows how greatly his habit upsets you and he still does it, I fear he has little genuine respect or regard for you. Bite the bullet, however hard it is, and try to move on. There are plenty of decent chaps out there who don't do drugs. You deserve better.

[dawg_kane]

when you met him he was honest enough to tell you he did coke.that should have been the time you walked away if you did not agree with it.

everybody has their release in life wether it be drink drugs smoking gambling shopping etc...

i think trying to change him is going to cause more hassle for your relationship especially since it has been going on for so long, he has to want to cut down or stop himself, constant nagging about it from you will only make it worse...perhaps you could point out the benefits of cutting down or stopping in terms of what the money could be best put towards like a special holiday together, im sure if he realises there are other things in life which give more pleasure for the money he might reconsider.

[dove]

dawg-kane, though I value what you have said, if you are not addicted to drugs, alcohol or gambling and you unfortunately meet up with someone who is, then it is really hard when you get to know the loving sides of their personality, and you know they reallyare a good person that has an occasional problem. you have to realise that you will only ever come second best.
I hope this has made sense to you andimgram.
I think Ingrams boyfriend possibly has an addictive personality, and it will not get any better despite all the promises x

[Laurinha]

Yeah, couldn't agree more with dawg-cane on this - whatever you do don't start nagging. Make a statement or your feelings clear once or twice even if you have to and make sure you are heard and understood, then make your decision. You'll only p*ss both of you off by hearing yourself nag.

[jedimistress]

You are not wrong. I know how you feel. My alcoholic partner has abstained from drink for the last year. Things were better, not perfect. He also gave up cannabis for 6 months. In that time he joined college, did so much work around his beaten up old house which he has been meaning to do for 15 years. I was head over heals with the man I had found.

The last 3 months he took up smoking again. I don't mean the odd joint, I mean smoking from the moment he rises to his bedtime joint. I can not handle this. It has ruined our sex life. Firstly, I don't particularily want to make love to someone "off his nuts". Also erection is harder to maintain & I simply feel second best to the pot. Like he has given up on me. I imagine what is in his stoned mind, like am I a giant marshmallow on top of him or something! This puts me off.

If it was weekends it would be fine for him to unwind, but it is 24 hours a day. He's sitting in the same seat for hours and hours just talking about what he's going to do.......then tomorrow, he sits on the same seat for hours talking about what he's going to do......and so on.

I am at the end of the line. He knows how I feel and he continues, I just feel he has made his choice, now I need to make mine. I can't see myself sitting opposite him forever listening to his greeeaaat plans. He already asks what the pont of college is? Now he's permanently stoned I guess he's forgotten what inspired him to actually do something.

I no longer nag, I will just leave. Sorry to ramble, but I understand completely. I wont stay with him longer than another few weeks of watching him in his vegetative state....not to mention the unpleasant person I have to deal with when he hasn't got any!!

If his behaviour affects you, stresses you or anything, it IS your business what he does....Please take care of YOU. It's ok for people to tell you to lighten up, but he isn't their partner.

[ingram]

thankyou all for your time especially jedimisstress. He has seen what i have written and say's it is all one sided and no-one has heard his. He is asleep now and sweating kike a pig. all the toxin's coming out of his body i suppose. thanx once again.

[jedimistress]

Thanks. I thought I rambled too much. It isn't just the sex life, that's only an example and ONE of the side effects. It's the whole thing. I know how you feel. It can be very, very lonely in a relationship like that. Being with someone on another planet. Someone doped up coked up, drunk, whatever their poison.

[JudgeJ]

Your question asked whether you are the wrong. Are you wrong because you disapprove of the habits of someone you love, when those habits threaten the welfare of him and all around him? I think not.

Kick him into touch now. The sooner the better. It is extremely rare for cocaine addicts to become unaddicted – certainly not before they have done serious damage to either themselves, someone else, or both. There is no point in trying to reach a compromise - drug addiction knows no compromises.The fact that he considers that “loads of people are doing it now” only goes to show the sort of company he keeps. You will be expected to keep similar company if you stay with him.

You only get one go at life. Don’t have yours ruined by someone who thinks more of snorting something up his nose than he does of you. You deserve much better.

[phae]

I know exectly how you feel. Not only have i lived with 'occassional users', as well as addicts, many of my friends live like you do.

Firstly, there is no such thing as an occassional coke user. Doing coke occassionally is a result of not being able to afford more, or not being able to get more. If in the eight weeks he abstained, a friend had popped round and racked up a line, would he have said... 'no thanks... dont think i'l bother tonite?'.

Living (loving) some one who does cocaine is like watching someone in a pit of sinking sand. Should you sit next to the sinking sand waiting for him to come out? Should you join him and risk being pulled in the pit?

I have sat next to that pit of sinking sand for years and have many friends in the same position. Not one of them have come out of the pit.

Whilst you (or i) do not see him as an addict or junkie, both of you underestimate the drug. Addiction to this particular drug is very sneaky. He may meet a friend who has much more availability to it.... he'ltake more. He'l have a bad week at work... he'l take more. He'l have a personal upset.... he'l take more. The more you explain that you don't like it... the more he'l lie about how much he's doing.

Where will you stand? People in relationships with people who do this drug are in a nightmare situation.... I call it the 'White Lady'. Your boyfriend is having an affair with her. Just occassionally at the moment. It gets worse, trust me.

I have tried everything to get my partner to stop. NOTHING WORKED. BUT... One day I left. I explained about the sinking sand emotion, and then said that if he ever wanted to stop, i would take him back.

Three months later, he called me. clean. I moved back in and that was the only success I have ever seen in the situation. (cont)

[phae]

Put you foot down now while he can stop. Not with nagging, or ultimatums. Just explain, that for you, it's horrible. You don't want to live with 'the white lady' and your scared that the problem could get worse. Split with the promise that you'l take him back if he stops. Is his love for you stonger than his love for getting high? It will be a close call!

Its scary, coz you think you'l lose him... but this situation only gets worse not better.

Good luck.