Is It Really For Better Or For Worse

[Teapots1]

Is this snobbery or just a case of not being able to accept the situation along with the problems of the coming weeks? Couple been married for 46 years, no real health problems during that time for either of them. Without going into to much detail, husband been living with cancer for a few months now, a very aggressive type. Cut a long story short getting up the stairs to go to bed is becoming almost impossible and painful the cancer is in the hips plus everywhere else. She objects to the bed being bought down into the living area, she actually said to me everywhere will look a mess, and what will people think when they come round. Must admit I was more than cob smacked. What do you think?

[Barsel]

Naomi, you are obviously a very caring person.
Some people are natural born carers, some are not.
I would definitely care for those I love/like, but not too sure about others.
Have never been put in that position.

[Barsel]

That's not quite true actually.
I did go to work in a care home once, and lasted 1 day, so I guess I'm not a natural born carer.

[DTCwordfan]

this is dreadful reading and all of you who mention or imply that she has no sense of reality are spot on - and what do their family thin about this very ego-centric view that she is sending out. Cancer causes more mess than just the house as well - she ought to look at other issues too like family finances and wills.....

[DTCwordfan]

'think about'...typo in there.

[Ellipsis]

The five stages of grief are:
* denial.
* anger.
* bargaining.
* depression.
* acceptance.

Sounds like she's at stage 1.

[Vagus]

People do what they can personally cope with in situations like this.
When I was a child, we had two grandads live with us and didn’t question whatever needed to be done.
As a young wife with two small children, we had a great grandad live with us who needed very personal care. We just got on with it, wasn’t easy but we did it.
With teenage children, we had a very ill relative live with us till they died. Very difficult, very, but we did it because we could.
Not everyone can, and no one should be judged or criticised if they can’t.

[burlyshirley]

I agree with you Vagus.

[Thisoldbird]

Nothing to do with snobbery.

I can tell you exactly a year ago my husband became very poorly. GP set a care plan in motion. We live in a 1 bed ground floor apartment with...within 24 hrs we were invaded with a team from Social Services who seemed to ignore I even existed..2 young ladies in uniform decided a hospital bed would be placed in the centre of our small sitting room..our furniture was to be pushed up together to make way for this..not one room was to be spared this total upheaval...at first I got upset then retaliated..I stopped them. I, and possibly like the lady this thread is about felt over powered by all the upheaval. I knew I wanted and needed a small space to retreat too..no bed came into my sitting room..these people do try and take over..

[Thisoldbird]

To add, we have been married over 60 years. My job for over 30 years was care work..I am passionate my husband has the best care I can get him. Both in our 80s it's hard going.

[Mamyalynne]

It is hard going and we are all different in how we can cope, I tried not to be overwhelmed with all the trappings of care, but it's tough.

[Teapots1]

I've been a bit harsh with her today because I think its the only way to get through to her. His wish is to die at home and if that wish is to be granted then there's only one option, a bed downstairs. A stair lift is not an option because I've been told that his lower torso is disintegrating very quickly, she's not been told this because they know she can't handle it. A proper hospital bed is needed also they say, I believe it inflates and deflates, the latter I believe to do with bed sores? He's already taking morphine but they say he will sooner or later need morphine on a drip I think they said. The other problem is she don't want strangers in the house ( daily carers) again I've more or less told her you have no choice, although the weight's been dropping off him he's still a big fellow to lift and get on a toilet.

[Mamyalynne]

She does of course have a choice, but it will mean persuading him against his wishes - something I could never have done.

It's a tough call but one she has to make.

[barry1010]

People don't like change, it is scary especially in the home. Facing up to late life illness in your loved one is blerdy terrifying and hard to accept. Putting a bed in the living room means her life will never again be as it was today.
I hope she finds a way to accept this is how it has to be but I can understand that she is frightened

[jennyjoan]

My very ill friend in the beginning of her various ailments was refusing to let the carers in, now she needs them so bad, she has 4 a day and she is glad of them, however she has said some of them can be quite nice and others plain ignorant.

[naomi24]

People sometimes surprise themselves with what they actually can cope with. I did.

[calmck]

She will obviously have to have careers in. Can the bedroom upstairs be changed to a bed/sitting room for her and the downstairs be adapted for him. Is there a dining room as well as a sitting room

[naomi24]

One of the reasons I brought a bed down into a main living area was so that my patient wasn’t left isolated and alone for most of the day. They were included. We fitted a bell next to the bed so that when I was in another part of the house they could call. Just as well. I once responded to it to find the dog - a big boy - sitting happily on my patient’s tummy and her not strong enough to push him off. Such sad but strangely happy days.

[jennyjoan]

Naomi - I would have liked my lovely friend to be downstairs too - not necessarily a bed but one of those fabulous recliners (real good one). Just to be in a different room, see people pass by, etc.

A week before she died her hubby and I were talking about it - she was on the bed listening - as he is mean with the money - he nearly took a stroke - one week later she was dead. She should have had the big recliner years earlier.

[naomi24]

That’s sad, Jj. Perhaps he doesn’t know he can’t take it with him.

[jennyjoan]

well he may well have given it to his present missus!