A bit of a quandary..

[Tock389]

Hello. I met a South African girl just before Christmas, and we went out for a drink. It all went well, and she then went back to SA for a month over the festive season.

We agreed to meet on her return.

However, on New Year's Eve I went to a party with work people, and ending up taking a girl with whom I work home for the night.

She has stayed at my house once since. However, as agreed, I have met up with Miss SA for a friendly drink.

She is definitely girlfriend material, but the work girl is not.

I feel really bad about stringing along Miss SA as it could be the start of something good, but what if she just wants to be friends?

I also don't think seeing someone at work is a good idea.

Any advice?

[rampart]

Tock! What a mess you are getting into!

Not in every case, but in many cases, I would say it is dangerous to date someone at work. I just do not recommend that in general. Usually, even if she was the perfect one, just by being at work you have the odds against you.

Long distance relationships are also extremely difficult. Why not tell Miss S.A. anytime you are in London, let's have dinner. But I personally would make no further commitment than that. Why should you? If you see eachother twice each year, you will not have much of a relationship. That is not fair to either of you.

Sorry to sound so harsh, mate, but I am not very hopeful of your situation. :(

[Tock389]

Sorry..didn't make it clear. The South African girl lives in my town - she just went home for Xmas. I have seen her since she came back. She lives and works here in the UK.

[rampart]

Ah... Well, then. Simple. Dump the bird at work and date Miss S.A.

There! Now let's go have a pint. Cheers!

[kick3m0n]

Find out how Miss SA feels about you (ie does she want a relationship?) and take it from there. If she does, ideal, let work girl know where she stands, and you're off on a new relationship with Miss SA. If Miss SA does want to be just friends, then you can continue seeing work girl if you want, but sounds like you have your doubts anyway, so why not knock that on the head? Even if you just want a casual-stay-over-every-now-and-then thing, work relationships can get messy if they break up, and since you say she's not girlfriend material, it may not be worth the risk. Let us know how you get on, won't you? (what do you mean, nosey ??)

[WendyS]

Work relationships are never a good thing. Inevitably you can't keep them private and if things come to an end, there's either an atmosphere or everybody knows about your private life and is watching with glee to see how the pair of you react in your discomfort.

As to the South African girlfriend, before you get in too deep, start asking yourself some serious "What if's ?" i.e. What if this really clicks and she suddenly decides she wants to return to South Africa to live? Would you be prepared (and do you have the skills) to emigate and live there? Would you be ready to leave behind your family permanently? Of course it may not come to this, but a lot of people who have got into serious relationships with people from abroad might have saved themselves a great deal of agonising if they'd thought about some of these issues up front.

[flaming]

I agree with WendyS about work relatinships. Take more water with it next time there's an office 'do'!

Allowing that Miss SA was brought up in another country perhaps a bit behind our way of doing things, you will have to do a bit of courting - do any of you guys remember that? - and take it as it comes. She has probably got long-terms plans anyway, and at a due time you can enquire about boyfriends at home, how long she'll be here, etc. Why can't you wait and see for a few dates, instead of expecting everything at once?! She will flirt and signal her degree of fancying you.