Some friendly advice?

[4getmenot]

My friend is with a bloke she has had a baby with but he also has an ex who he has another child by. It was my friend's sons birthday and the mother of the other child bought him a present. She is refusing to take it as this woman has caused trouble in the past and asked me how she could write a letter saying she doesn't want her giving her son any presents. I just wondered if you were in my situation what you would have said, because I really don't think I said what she wanted to hear. But then I've always been truthful and I just said what I thought.

[violetblue]

I would have advised her to see it as a peace offering, obviously I don't know about the whole situation but it could be an olive branch? It may make life easier in the long run, as this woman will always be in her partner's life due to the child they share.

[nat_84]

if i were u - i'd just say "look, accept the present. Its a nice gesture and if the two civil to one another then surely it'll be good for the children"...

Sometimes the truth hurts but as ur her mate - tell her what u think's best.

[nat_84]

*if the two of them are civil*

[Forrey]

I would have told her to accept the gift and let the child decided for himself/herself whether they wish to be in contact with their natural mother in the future.

I do not know the whole story but do not believe it should be her decision. She should also ask her bloke what his thoughts are and maybe leave it to him to contact the childs mother.

[4getmenot]

I said that even if she doesn�t want to she should just accept it, let sleeping dogs lie and all that. Even if she doesn�t keep it, writing a letter about it would only make things worse. I also said that she buys things with her other half for this woman�s son so maybe she feels she has to buy back. She didnt like my comments.

[4getmenot]

the bloke has told her she's being silly. That�s why she�s writing a letter because she did tell the dad to tell her but he didn�t want to get involved. I told her that this will only show that the woman has got to her if that was even her intension. But she gets in a huff as she doesn�t see it as me trying to help. I�m just concerned that she�s just going to make all the agro she had before blow up again, its like she likes a drama.

[redcrx]

Why cant she just accept the present? Didnt she used to be friendly with the other woman? Why has all this changed suddenly. Your friend chose to have a child with a man who already had a child and ex partner who would be a big part of his life, she cant change that fact now.
refusing to accept the present will just cause a rift between her bfs 2 'families'.
If she is that adamant that she doesnt want any presents then maybe she should say that for future reference but to give back a present already given could cause more trouble and bad feeling.

[4getmenot]

forrey its not his natural mother thats giving presents. My mate and her bloke have a kid but her bloke has a kid with someone else. its the someone else thats buying my mates child presents.

[4getmenot]

No she has never liked this girl redcrx. But yer thats exatcly what I've said, but the thing is she wont just tell her herself

[obione]

unfortunately your friend is not considering the obvious fact that like it or not these children are related by birth. being an adult means sometimes like it or not you have to put aside your own feelings and think about the children's future as half siblings! perhaps dad should not be such a wuss and try to help these two ladies reach some sort of mutual agreement to protect the kids from problems in the future!

[4getmenot]

obione its all well to say but believe me sometimes its best for him just to let her get on, its alot less agro :-) she just sisnt thinking at all about the future, the children are going to be in the same year at school.

[obione]

it looks like a lost cause then, if she won't compromise it seems that the only ones that will end up hurt is the kids, what about the day the mums meet at the school gate? i hope for the kids sake they are not going to end up brawling in the school yard this is not a good example for the little ones. im feeling sorry for you too 4getmenot looks like you will be the one picking up the pieces for her. stick to what you believe is right and good luck to you and the poor kids

[4getmenot]

Yer I dont know if I'll be able to control myself when I get all the 'she's told all her mates about my letter and now they're all laughing at me and said I'm being pathetic' Well I told y.....

[sue11]

I don't want to stir things further but it is just possible that the ex is trying to get in-between your friend and her partner by buying presents for your friends child. The only reason I am suggesting this is that an ex of mine had a previous girlfriend who was trying to win him back by getting friendly with me!
It sounds like this is not the situation, but if there is any history of the ex girlfriend trying to cause trouble in this manner then your friend does need to tread very carefully.
I would suggest that she talks it over with her partner and they should both decide on what they are going to do.
Cheers
Sue

[4getmenot]

sue this women has slept with her bloke when they were together, that is why there is so much hate. But it seems to have calmed down and I just think handing a present back would just wake the situation again and show this woman she gets to her. I do just think this is a genuine gift as they buy for her son.

[sue11]

Could be genuine and if it is, of course refusing it could start it all up again as you said. It seems that her boyfriend does not see anything sinister in it, but then men have a typical habit of never really looking at things too deeply and seeing the real meaning!
I do though see that she is in a difficult situation, by accepting it could put her where this woman wants her and by not accepting it could insult any innocent intention!
Perhaps I am looking too deep to be of any real help!

I think if I was her friend I would sit down with her, go over why it could be genuine, write it all down, go over why it could be sinister, write that all down and then go with the option that has the most or best reasons behind it.
At least then if you disagree with the findings and still try to advise her otherwise it will show her that at least you were prepared to look seriously at all options and debate them. Do you think that could work?