mid life crisis in men

[maggie01]

As some of you will know I have been having probllems. I have read up about mid life crisis in men and my husband seems to have most of the symptoms. In one way it is easier to explain how is is behaving but has anyone else suffered with this and come out the other side. It says it can take anything up to one year. We did have issues before this but I feel certain this is what he is suffering now. Apparently there is nothing I can do to help and just have to sit it out. I am finding it very hard and would just like to feel there could be light at the end of the tunnel.

[Le Chat]

Hmmmm... We all have a choice over how we behave. Sorry to be un-empathic but it sounds like a croc to me.

[ELVIS68]

I don`t believe with all the "sit it out" stuff, why should you sit and watch him for a year while he carries on doing whatever he`s doing, who`s to say that after a year he wont decide to up and leave, life`s too short for all that, enjoy your life now, not in a years time

That`s my opinion anyway, but what do I know, I`m only a man ;o)

[maggie01]

Thank you all. Le Chat, if someone had said the same to me I would have agreed with you but I know it is real. I have asked him if he wants to go his own way (which apparently is not what I should do) but he says that he hasn't thought about it . He was really driving me mad on Friday and he stormed out. I told him to stay out and he slept on his boat. Instead of it making him think he was more comfortable at home, he decided he liked it and he thought he could live on it but hasn't gone yet. When I suggested he live on it, he says his buisness is at home ie his computer and work stuff in the garage. What makes it worse is that it is the Summertime so it probably isn't too bad sleeping on the water. If this had happened in mid winter, it may have been a different story. Sometimes I wish something drastic would happen so he wouldn't be able to do all the things he wants to do but then I am not really that nasty. My mum and dad were married for 56yrs and I don't remember my dad being like this. Elvis appreciate what you have and don't hanker after things you know you probably can't achieve. Hope it never happens to you

[Le Chat]

It just seems to me that all his bad behaviour, which at any other time in his life would not be accepted, is being conveniently put in a package and called mid-life crisis! What about you in all this? Are you making the choice to stay in the relationship with someone who, at the end of the day, is acting like a spoilt child?
You mention that you had issues before this...well to be honest maggie, it is more like his incapability to make a descision, which is culminating in this type of wayward behaviour.
However, after saying all that I am now at a loss to add anything else constructive or otherwise!
If I were you, I would be thinking about what was best for me ... not what you can put up with!

[flump1]

Hi Maggie, I am sorry to hear of your troubles and I hope they are resolved soon. Might the way you are both feeling have any thing to do with the family wedding planned this year? Forgive me if I have just committed a great big faux pas , but these things do tend to bring out all sorts of emotions . I do think men go through some kind of crisis, although their timing is not always appreciated ! Keep talking and try to figure out what you both want. Good Luck Maggie XX

[maggie01]

Thank you flump1 but I have the feeling he is waiting for the wedding to go by before he drops the bombshell that he is leaving. He wouldn't intentionally do anything that would hurt my daughter as she is the apple of his eye but he doesn't hardly mention the wedding. I am beginning to think that if the inevitable is a split, then I would rather it happened sooner than later. To be honest it is like living with someone that you don't really know anymore so apart from financially I don't suppose I could be much worse off. It is 8.45 now and no sign of him coming home from work or wherever. We spent the day together yesterday but I could see it wouldn't have been his choice as he hardly said two words and spent the rest of the day asleep under a duvet inspite of it being a lovely day. (We were on his boat). In the end I got my daughter to give me a lift home and left him asleep. I don't think he noticed that I had gone. We only have about 6weeks till the wedding so there isn't much I can do till then.

[flump1]

Oh Maggie , I would like to send you a hug right now , I know the waiting and apprehension must be hard to bear with all the arrangements of the wedding and all it has entailed. It sounds like you are just hanging on !! Could you be reading it too deeply?? Has the wedding taken over your lives to the point where he is feeling neglected? Men can be such softies sometimes. He is not being courteous if he is coming and going and leaving you with this burden of unfinished business looming over you, that does not seem fair. Where is his boat? I shall take my drill and maybe ......... x

[maggie01]

I have read many websites on the subject and I can't find one marriage that survives. I decided last night that the pain of waiting for him to come home just gets too much and have asked him to leave. He is going today to live on his boat (or so he says). He says there is no-one else but I do not believe that. I am trying to stay calm but it hurts like hell. I said to him that he hasn't even said sorry for the hurt it is causing and his reply was that it is just one of those things. I don't hate him in fact I feel sorry for him because I think it is sad to throw it all away. Two weeks after my daughters wedding will be our 40th wedding anniversay. It should have been a great year for us but instead it has just fell apart. I think it is the financial part that worries me most and it is quite scarey. Hopefully I can look back in a few years with some peace of mind. My door will always be open to him and I will always care about him but I feel he is lying about another woman. I just wish I could wake up and the nightmare would be over.

[Miss Random]

Hi maggie,

You're up late, or are you in a different time zone, like me?
I suspect you are just up really late worrying, so I am posting you a reply to let you know that there is someone here.
I'm afraid I cannot offer you any good advice, but have read the other replies and agree with them.

Forty years of marriage is remarkable, that's why I feel intimidated to reply to someone as big as you.
I strongly suspect your husband has met someone else, or has feelings for someone (no doubt much younger than him, hence the insecurity on his part). At the moment he is 'covering his options'.... a bit of a 'let's see if it's going anywhere, before I jump in too deep and lose everything'.

My opinion, for what it's worth, would be to get straight to a solicitor and find out what your financial circumstances would be. Also, I think you should be totally mercenary and 'take him for all you can'.
Then tell him what he stands to lose, quite a sobering thought for a middle aged man behaving like a teenager. Also, it may effect the decision of the person he is (maybe) seeing.
Quite frankly, just make his life so uncomfortable that he maybe will come to his senses. If he doesn't then you know you never stood a chance anyway.
I know lots of men that have boats, and often escape to them despite having comfy homes.... it's just the up-market version of the potting shed.... or if you have ever read the Venus and Mars books, their caves.
However, seeing the pain and hurt you are suffering (whilst waiting for him to 'grow up'), I have no sympathy for him whatsoever.
Dress up for your daughter's wedding, as if your life depended on it! Plaster a brave face on and enjoy the day despite him.

I really hope things work out for you.
Big hug.

[maggie01]

I feel like I have made one hell of a big mistake in suggesting he moves out. He thinks it is for the best and I am here feeling like sh*t. Of course we have to put on a brave face for the wedding but it is going to be so hard. It is easier for him because he is not in the home we shared and I have two dogs who wonder what is going on. On a good note my daughter gave birth to a baby boy at lunchtime but his birthday will be a constant reminder that was the day he left. If he had to leave, he could have had a mid life crisis when we were both in our 40's. I really do hope he sees what he has lost but I feel he thinks the grass is greener elsewhere. If he is with someone else, that makes me feel even more bitter because she is reaping the rewards of my efforts of 40 yrs. I know I have to pull myself together but I just feel like giving up and the moment.

[flump1]

Maggie, I am so sorry to hear that you had reached this point and are now living in separate places, albeit temporarily. You must have felt absolutely gutted when he took up the suggestion and indeed went to seek refuge in the boat. You may well deliberate over whether or not you have done or said the right thing to bring it to this. trouble is Maggie there simply is no right or wrong thing , sometimes we just have to follow our gut feelings and suffer the consequences. He is being unreasonably selfish by keeping up the behavior he is at the moment. Not telling if there is another party involved , and the throw-away coment " It is one of those things " deserves a big kick.It sounds like he was looking for a way out and you obliged . He may well just need time and space to sort ot his feelings if he is in the throes of a crisis, however it would do him no harm to realise what he is putting you through while he does this. Write it down in a letter format to give him to take it away and read, then you may get through to him with out the need for violence. Take each day and its up and downs and try to get over them as best you can. It is ok to scream and shout and come on here and vent out your disbelief and hurt. Another big hug making its way to you now . X

[ELVIS68]

Maggie, instead of feeling like sh!t, you should be proud of yourself for asking him to leave
I`m sure it would`ve been much worse for you if he made the first move and left you
By doing this... hopefully it will give him the kick up the arse he needs

Good luck x

[maggie01]

Thanks Elvis. It was my daughter who said that she had a feeling he was going to do just that after the wedding. I decided I would not enjoy the build up to the wedding wondering if this was true. Also she said if it was her then she would have to get in first so to speak so this is what I decided to do. Yesterday was a bad day apart from my new grandson being born but today doesn't seem as bad. I expect it will be a roller coaster ride till everything is sorted. The wedding will be really hard but people know what has happened so that helps. I phoned him to tell him our daughter had had her baby but he hasn't even text her to congratulate her. He is just so full of himself. I am not normally vindictive but I hope he meets someone who somewhere down the line treats him the same then he will see how hurtfull it is.

[Le Chat]

I'm right with you there Maggie!!

[maggie01]

My daughter spoke to him yesterday and he gave her the impression he had made up his mind to stay away. I managed to speak to him last night although he obviously didn't want to because he kept cutting me off the line. After a good decisive day yesterday, I spent the whole night with pains in my chest and no sleep. The wedding has become a nightmare and I don't even want to be there. I know I am probably acting like a spoilt child but how am I supposed to stand next to him in church and greet people at the reception when I am hurting like mad. He has asked me not to phone and give him space as I am stressing him out. He has changed and wants to be free and single. It's ok for him he doesn't live in the house we shared together. Also we have two dogs which I love to bits but was against getting any pets.He bought one home as a surprise and the other one we got to give the first one company should we have to kennel them for holidays etc. He can now swan off for as many hours as he likes but i have to worry about how long the dogs have been left if I go out, so still have to spend more time in the house than I would like. I just want the pain to go away but there is so much coming up to do like selling the property and finding somewhere else to live. I just don't know if it is worth it all. Self pity I know but that's how I feel.