Home?

[Yinzer]

My husband has been down lately missing home and feeling like an alien, like he'll never quite fit in and be happy in America. I'd go back to Russia, but the only problem that both of us realize is that it won't be the same home 5 years later. Things change and now it's like there is no hope of ever really belonging anywhere. I just don't know what to do for him because he is so sad inside and I really can't even think of anything helpful to say to him. I guess this was one of those Big Choices in life that can either be a blessing or mess up your life completely, a gamble and most of our family honestly seems worse off now. Is there anybody else with similar experience or suggestions about how to ease his mind?

[Bohne]

I don't really have an answer... Right no I am living in Germany with my husband, who is an American. He was always talking about going back, however, when we got married, we decided, that after his time in the army, he'll try and get a civilian job here. I just pray, that he won't get homesick one day, as it would be one of the worst things for me, having to live in the states. In your case, however, if you are willing to go back, then try it for his sake. It might be better to live in a home, that has changed, than living abroad where you don't feel at home at all!

[I.R.]

I can understand the way your husband feels, since I've had that experience too. The first time was when I was 12 and had to move to another state to live with my grandmum. I felt miserable! It seemed I would never fit in, the way of life in this new place was awfully different from what I was used to, and I would cry myself to sleep most nights. Sadly, when I moved from there four years later, I still felt like a stranger. Recently, I've had to move again to take up a new job. This time, I've made up my mind to think of this new place as "home". As the saying goes, "when in soup, might as well enjoy the flavour!" The alternative would be to make myself miserable wishing I was somewhere else. I've made new friends, taken up a new hobby....and of course there's Answerbank to keep me busy when I start feeling low.

[Clanad]

It's possible that your depression keeps you both from seeing the big picture. That is, do you live in a place that have other emigre's? Even in smaller towns there are often social "clubs" of people from your country. It would be better, in my opinion, to find diversions that remind you of home, people that you can share experiences with. You must have believed that your circumstances would be improved when you initially decided to move. That decision is probably still valid, but clouded by homesickness. Try "getting outside of yourselves" for a while and see what happens. (There is probably a demand in your local schools for your expertise in language, as an example). Good luck... and thanks for coming!

[zgma]

Hi Yinzer, What is he missing about home? Is it the landscape, the general feel of the people, the food, the language, being in the majority? Some of these things can be found in larger emigre communities, like Clanad says. I know that in San Francisco there is a huge Russian population, and there are parts of San Francisco where you mostly hear Russian spoken and mostly see Russian grocery stores and restaurants. I am sure that New York has an area like that too. So one option would be to move somewhere within the States that would feel more welcoming (you're in the US, right?). Also, are you positive that going back to Russia wouldn't be better than being homesick in another country? You could make a visit there and check out the possibilities of moving back.

[Yinzer]

There is a little rusian community where we live, but most are old and half crazy. We have visited that place in Ney York, and I am trying to talk him into going back to Russia for a couple of weks to visit old friends and places. We have to wait though for almost another year until he is a citizen so he can get his passport.

[Ouisch]

Why did he move to the States? Did he have some sort of high expectation that was not achieved and can account for his depression? Or is it just a case of feeling like a "stranger in a strange land"? If you can't find a local gathering place of Russian emigres, how about an online community? There are many thousands to choose from. Search on Usenet for Russians in America or Transplanted Russians or similar. He might feel better at least "talking" to others in his situation via that route.