Not 'IN' Love with you...

[Emily-Jo85]

This has probably been asked a million times before...but how are you supposed to handle it when your partner tells you they are not 'IN' love with you....My boyfriend of 4 years just told me he loves me...but he is not 'IN' love with me :-( Is this a bad sign ?????

[tamborine]

After 4y he needs space to realise his feelings for you......give him that - boot him out and watch him try to crawl back! AND only for your bed/cooking/washing facilities!

[China Doll]

I think it depends largely on what it is you're happy with. The initial feelings of being in love only last about a year or so and then a relationship based on deeper foundations usually kicks in. The hedonism goes but as I understand it the relationship afterwards is deeper adn longer lasting and you have the ability to fall in and out of love with your partner over and over again down the years but always with the basis of a solid foundation.

[sara3]

love is for friends and family.

in love is for couples. or at least, it should be.

[bednobs]

call his bluff, dont accept less than the best. I am still madly in love with my husband after 15 years and if he said that to me i'd be tempted to find someone who WAS in love with me. It is not a good sign at all

[Sasha13]

To me, he's looking to get out of your relationship and is telling you in a way that he thinks would lessen the pain for you.

I'd end the relationship, for both your sakes.

[missprim]

Whoa whoa whoa, there is much more than this to take into account.
When you first meet someone it's usually because you fancy them and even lust after them. I really don't believe you 'fall in love' at first sight. You fall in love with someone when you get to know them and you find yourself thinking about them all the time and can't bear to be apart from them.
After a certain time, you still want to be with this person because you still love them and you get on together well and enjoy being together.
Many many years down the track you might find you have nothing in common with this person and you have little to say to each other and sometimes you decide to part.
Even so, you can still love this person, but it's a different type of love.
So please don't pay too much attention to your boyfriend saying he's not 'in love' with you.If you still enjoy being together and he treats you good then maybe this is just the next step in your relationship.

[Velvetee]

Send him packing, he's looking for a get out clause.

[Scarlett]

What he is saying is that the spark has gone. He likes you a lot, loves you as a friend and good companion. But he is not in love with you. So, time to end it I fear, and find someone whose heart will flutter when you walk in the room! You deserve better than this- and I guess he does too...

[pastafreak]

I agree with what chinadoll and missprim have. You can't expect to spend years with someone, and not see fluctuations and changes within the relationship. Yes-that DOES mean falling in and out of both love and lust. but when things DO start to hot up again,I think you appreciate the other person that much more. And it can be lovely to be 'in' love with someone you have known for years.

[FoxLee2]

Why have you come on an answerbank site to find out how your partner really feels about you? Why haven't you talked to him about what he means and how he feels about your relationship? Now THAT is a bad sign.

[chattykathy]

There's a book, I think it's available from Relate, called, 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' which is very good. It helps to explain what happens to a lot of couples
Good luck, Emily