Shyness

[Octavius]

I am an incredibly shy person when I meet people.  They always say I am a lovely person BUT a very quiet person. I hate the BUT.  Women like men who are confident - I don't have any particular reason not be confident, so what is the best cure for shyness?   

[slimfandango]

Conditioning. You just gotta get used to being around people. Be very selective about who you hang around with for a while. Don't hang around rude or aggressive people. Or the kind of idiot who says 'you're lovely but very quiet'. I mean what the...What do they know. I'm a cheerful, outgoing guy, and I love women of all sorts...but I'd only ever ever marry a quiet girl. Anything but a rude thug...

[mully]

I think its all about being confident in your self.

I used to be quite shy when I was younger and always worried about what people thought of me but as I got older I started to not really care what anyone thought and became more confident in myself I am what I am and people take me as they find me.

just be yourself and honest. I also think that too much confidence can be a turn off so don't try to be someone your not and not all women like confident men so please don't let this worry you too much .x

[FP]

Just be yourself, but do smile when you meet people.  Sometimes shyness seems to be interpreted as stand-offinishness.  Both my husband and son tend to create this impression as they stand back from the crowd and look a bit aloof. 

[FP]

stand-offishness!!!

[Octavius]

Yes, I think sometimes people think I am being aloof

[smudge]

Octavius - I really do sympathise with you, but there isn't an actual cure that you can put your hands on, so to speak, as everyone is different.

 

When I was younger, I was painfully shy & wouldn't eat in front of anyone but my Mum, Dad & siblings. Having my children brought me out of my shell, as they are so full of life & encouraged me, without them or me even realising it. The ups & downs & experiences of life in general, gradually helped my problem. I went on to co-run a Company employing 80 staff. As my confidence grew, I learned the technique of interviewing people, occasionally firing people (something I wasn't proud of), attended meetings, etc. I surprised myself & everyone else who knew that shy little girl from way back. So look to the future, I'm sure your shyness will improve in time. Good luck & chin up.

 

P.S. In the meantime - perhaps your GP or local library could put you in touch with a self help group, which could be advantageous to you.

[georgit79]

Face your fears. Put yourself in a situation where you simply can't be shy...

I'm generally perceived to be a really confident and outgoing person, but it's all bravado. I'm as shy as they come really, I'm just good at covering it up.

And not all women like confident men. I'm sure it doesn't matter in the end if there's an attraction there.

[georgit79]

I get the aloof thing too, when really it's acute shyness!

[smudge]

P,S. When I was really shy - people used to say to me 'Cheer up, it'll never happen' which always made me feel worse as I wasn't being miserable - just being shy. So as FakePlastic says, if you can try to put on a smile when approaching/meeting people, it goes a long way & they won't get the wrong impression of you, like they did me! 

[Octavius]

See this is the thing. I am quite successful, I manage lost of people and I earn quite a bit of money nice house nice car etc, but when it comes to social situations (unless its work stuff) I am a total twit, and almost mute.  Its recently doing my head in.

[FP]

When my son fancies a girl, he faces the other way and won't look at her.  His dad was just the same!  The signals this sends out are not particularly good.

[smudge]

It's sounds to me as though you are confident & in control at work, but still masking your shyness. I used to be the same & although I was very succesful within my job, etc., I still found social functions difficult to cope with at first. Meeting people who were very la de da, used to make me feel on edge. After a time, I could read people like a book & realised they were no better than me. I always ended up the life & soul of the party & people used to gather around me, because I was a good laugh! It will happen, believe me. Just be yourself, I am!

[mully]

 Octavius -just relax when your in social situations talk about something you have an interest in with someone just to start a conversation don't worry what they think of you .

The more you start to worry about talking to other people the more you won't as youll be wondering what to say to them.

Talk about your job or something simple as the weather to break the ice the more you begin to talk to people the more you will relax and become more confient and always smile as it makes you more approachable

[amarillis]

I always used to be painfully shy in social situations, even though I was confident in business and work environments. It helps to relax and smile (sounds simple, but it is very effective). To start with too, I dealt with the social situation as if I was going to work - that way I took hold of the confidence I felt in my job and transferred it to being able to talk to people socially and not having them think of me as aloof. The more you have success the less shy you will become.

[Bangkok]

I seem to be in a similar situation (decent job etc etc) but I hate the social chitchat that is expected.  In a work meeting, I can be a star, with opinions, jokes (where appropriate) constructive comments and a focus that would amaze most who know me.   Dinner with those people is fine, I have established my 'credentials'. 

Buffet in a room full of people I don't know?  Forget it!  Hate it with a passion - artificial, unpleasant, unnecessary.  In my case I suspect it relates to school, never quite fitted in, being from the North joining the new school after bonds were made, and so too late to be part of the elite.  You end up talking to those others (possibily foolishly) rejected. 

 

I can think of three approaches - force youself to be something you are not, which is rarely a good thing, practice being enigmatic, which might help, or accept that you are shy, be part of a group at social events but do not feel obliged to offer a comment.  If you do comment, don't feel the need to justify what you have just said, because you won't need to, it's just a nervous reaction.  Good luck

[zgma]

I agree with Bangkok - you are what you are, and the only reason it isn't okay is because of what people in our society seem to value - not because of any intrinsic problem with shyness. 

 

I am also very shy in social situations where I don't know people.  For a long time I was very self-conscious about it... I felt very bad about being so quiet, never feeling like I knew how to start a conversation, not having "enough" to say, etc.  It is true that small talk is a skill that you can develop, and I have developed it somewhat. BUT, I have also learned that it's perfectly fine to not say anything, if I don't have anything to say.  It's perfectly fine to be an introvert, since that's what I am.  I smile so people don't think I'm aloof, because I've also had that problem, and many people think I'm nice BUT quiet.  They figure out once they get to know me that I am not really quiet - just in new social situations - and that only talking when you really have something to say can be a very good thing!

 

So my advice would be to accept what you are like, and if it will make you feel better, you can develop the skill of making conversation with people you don't know. 

 

As far as that goes, here's my tip: people like to talk about themselves, so you can make them comfortable by asking them what they're doing, what they like, whatever you find yourself wondering about them.

[food_techie]

I agree with zgma. Reading books on how to make conversation on inoffensive topics and asking open questions to encourage a chat, and how to read someone's body language signals have helped me. Most libraries have these sorts of books.

[katreeen]

To the people that suggested it's about confidence in oneself...I don't know about octavius or anyone else but I have fine self-confidence, it's just as soon as I am in a social or formal situation everything goes wrong and I get so nervous I make a prat of myself. I don't have any reason to doubt myself - i've got a cambridge interview next month, don't look too scary, have nothing to draw negative attention to but as soon as I have to speak in front of anyone other than friends I get nervous - if I have to do a speech, peformance etc I start shaking and it all goes wrong! Is this still shyness?

[slimfandango]

Oh yeah, I just remembered :-)

I noticed something once and my ol man explained it to me. I notice a big difference between how folks act in eg the pub from how they act when eg we're around a table together playing poker, or down the local sports club. The problem with pub scenarios is that they are actually about you: the focus of the event is each other. This places demands on people and may make them nervous. When the focus of attention is however on a common interest, eg a sport, hobby etc, it relieves people of this attention and frees them up just to interact in a natural, unforced way. I think this really helps me. Try it out. All the best :-)

[stoo_pid]

Dunno if this helps Octavius but I used to be very shy.  I've never liked being the centre of attention & found it hard in big social occasions.  What helped me get over this particular hurdle was after a particularly drunken party I ended up snogging this girl that I (and every other straight male I knew) had fancied like mad for ages.  I was well chuffed because she never spoke to any of us & we all thought she looked down her nose at us all.  After seeing each other for a while I told her this.  She laughed & said that's exactly what she & her mates had thought of me!  Of course, we were both just very shy people.  I asked her what had made her change her mind & decide to talk to me.  She said it was quite simply that I had smiled at her.

I'm still shy but now, if I'm in a crowd I pay little notice to the attention seekers & I always smile at people that I like & just say "Hi".  They don't always smile back or come & talk but more often than not they do and you'd be amazed how much confidence it gives you when someone does smile back...