Without anybody stating the obvious.......

[Smowball]

Ok, helpful answers only please? I know for a fact that my OH has been lying to me about something (no, not a woman!) but I've found out myself by looking at something I shouldn't have. So how can I broach the subject without looking a hypocrite??

[Mamyalynne]

This is obviously more a matter of secrecy and subterfuge and that needs bringing into the open and discussing.

No relationship can survive based on lies and suspicion.

[ummmm]

Well Sqad...you sound like you're being purposely awkward.

So, he sends you out to get another job because things are tight...and he appears to have a secret stash of money?

[Smowball]

8 years maizie, but if you read the post I did the other day on this same topic(relationships and dating) then todays bank statement has just about pushed me over the edge patience wise.

[Nosha123]

This all sounds a bit suspicious doesnt it... and i dont blame you for losing trust in OH.
Could he be trying to avoid paying tax by 'gifting' money to his daughter? I would be concerned that he
a) asked you to get a second job
b) clearly didnt need to as he has money coming in you dont know about
c) I'd be wanting to know where the source of this money is coming from and is it work related?
d) why he felt he had to lie to you? Why couldnt he tell the truth

Surely his deceit is the key and important thing here.. what is so bad that he felt he had to lie to you and couldnt tell you.... and when you INNOCENTLY stumbled upon it and raised the question he STILL lied.
He needs a bit of a kick up the ass and if he gets humpy - well then tell him that if HE had been honest from the start you wouldnt be arguing now...
Stand firm

[ummmm]

Are you still angry with him for staying out?

[Smowball]

Nosha, you may be right about the tax thing, I hadnt thought of that, its a possibility. ummm, I still think he was a git for the other night but I genuinely had got over it and we had a lovely eve last night just relaxing at home.

[Nosha123]

I would certainly be questioning his commitment to your relationship - as he clearly has some finances stashed away (is he worried you might take his money if you split??) and I would be worried where this money is coming from! I assume his wages get paid into the account you know about.
If you do confront him... be conscious of your tone of voice and dont shout - so if he raises his voice back at you - you can ask him why is he shouting when you are not... Tell him to grow up and start being a bit more honest. his behaviour has led to your suspicions so he only has himself to blame.

[Smowball]

no his wages dont go into our joint account, he recently changed that and opened a sep account from which his wages go and he then transfers them into our joint bank( although clearly not all of it!). Guess he is then moving some into the daughters account. Hmmm

[Carakeel]

Snowball, I think you need to sit down together and you need to start the conversation by admitting you did something out of character that you perhaps shouldn't have. Tell him that you felt he was not being honest with you at the time and before accusing him of anything needed clarification, which you got by opening the letters. Make it clear that you are aware that both of you have in fact done something that has upset the other and both of you have not been honest. Tell him you really want there to be total honesty in your relationship and feel you need to know what is going on. You are after all telling him what you have done, so that he too knows the truth. With everything in the open you can then rebuild the trust that is being lost through this current situation. But please don't just brush this aside, as it will grind on you and endanger your feelings and relationship. Try to remain clam and try to keep the conversation low key and friendly. You are as much to blame for the current tension as he is ... you are both not being honest and open. So, be strong, take the first step and if he starts giving you a difficult time about the letters, don't forget to remind him that you are not the only one who has done something you shouldn't have. After all, had he not been so secretive and denied any knowledge, you would not have had to open the letters. Honesty is always the best policy in any relationship! Simples! Best of luck! I really hope this works out for you.

[ummmm]

It doesn't read right does it?

Did he open this separate account when things were tight?

[Smowball]

Thankyou carakeel, sounds just the right way to do it but got a feeling will go horribly wrong. ummm, yes I think so looking back. I did ask at the time why he was now putting his wages into a separate account and he said that it just made it easier to keep track of what he earned etc.......

[ummmm]

So wage slips can't help with that?

Sounds like he wants to give his daughter money but knew he couldn't do it without doing the same for your son.

Do they both live with you?

[Smowball]

I dont even think its that ummm, the amounts are too erratic and why on earth would he start that at a time when we were struggling with money, and not before? no she doesnt live with us, we only see her once a month.

[ummmm]

Well hopefully there's a simple explanation.

[TOWIE]

I have been reading through your post, Smowball - who would normally open the 11 year old daughter's post, your OH or the daughter? Also does a copy of the statement also get sent to her mother's house, where the daughter lives permanently ?

[Smowball]

hi TOWIE, no the only post of hers that comes here is this bank statement, its a pretty new account so think there has only been a few statements so far. Think OH normally opens them and no am positive that a copy doesnt go to the mums house

[bondgirl007]

maybe hes putting into that account to save it to buy u something nice or take you away

[TOWIE]

I agree with what others on here have said, I would have to ask him outright, after saying that you accidentally opened the letter. If he has nothing to hide, then he will understand and put your mind at rest.

[Smowball]

oh blimey, I am so dreading this conversation this evening : (

[Psybbo]

Why not open a bank account of your own and only put into the joint account the same as he does?