Just A Bit Unfair

[pips1]

I will probably get some stick for this but here goes! A loss of a husband is a loss/bereavement however the circumstances in which they leave. Obviously a death is final and heartbreaking and I feel sorry in my heart for people who have suffered this way, but when they leave you by choice you have rejection and unbearable hurt thrown into the mix, you suffer agonies seeing them with 'the other woman'.

My friend just lost her husband to cancer, he was only in his 50s and it was terrible. She owns the home they shared, she had help with the funeral, she has a widows pension, a holiday home and a job. I am retired and struggling in a rented house with no help off anyone and I have just discovered my ex is helping my friend with everything. He is there at the moment doing her garden while she is on holiday. I swear I do not begrudge her the help as she has suffered a terrible loss but why can't women who have been abandoned get the same kind of care?

[wolf63]

Are you still a beneficiary in your ex's life insurance? Nasty accidents can happen in gardens.

I understand your frustration but can offer no help to you. I find life to be a difficult journey. Good luck

[2sp_]

I can understand your frustration, pips.

I think that when someone dies we have the ritual of a funeral and formal grieving where everyone around us recognises what has been lost. But when it is the end of a relationship, or an estrangement within a family there is no public grieving as such.

I haven't spoken to my only brother in over 2 years. When we fell out I felt a huge sense of loss and did grieve for him. If he had died, I think it would have been easier in the sense that there would have been much more support from people around me. I will never see or speak to him again, I think some people can't understand what I have lost.

All I can say is that I am now much more understanding (I hope!) when someone goes through a break-up or estrangement.

[pips1]

wolf63 - unfortunately not. 2sp I understand totally what you mean, nobody realises do they until they go through the same kind of thing? I feel for you and it is a shame.

[joeluke]

Since you were 'abandoned' what has stopped you finding another man to 'help' you?

Sounds like your jealous that your ex is with your friend

[Mamyalynne]

Oh pips, how sad you sound - my Husband died on 28th August 2008, so an anniversary coming up for me. However, I have never been 'left' as in abandoned - a kind of hurt I have never experienced so I cannot compare it.


Try to gather your inner strength and forge a new life for yourself.

[Sycamore3House]

I know what you mean. when my now ex husband decided he wanted a new life I did feel at times it would have been better if he had died (still feel it 9 years later but only so I never have to see him again in my life) & then I would not have to hurt so much. But I got on with it and proceeded to the next chapter. When he rolled out the newer model I (& my family) seem to think his glasses were either rose tinted or steamed up. That is when I started to feel better about what had happened. when some women when they are 'abandoned' they develop a thicker skin and start look after themselves because they have to. This is not bad but they do not rely on others. I am now in another relationship, own my own home (nearly), car, job etc. everything is in my name and mine and that feels so good but what I would have preferred in my life is a marriage that had happily gone the distance for the sake of the children (now adults)

[pips1]

Please don't think I am jealous, I knew it would come across that way. I know what my ex is like, he likes to be seen to be doing good, feeds his ego. I have forged a life for myself and I have tried to meet someone else but it just hasn't happened. The stronger you seem to be and coping, the less people feel the need to help you. I just think it is very very hard on your own as you get older and trying to cope with finances you never thought you would have.

[hc4361]

pips, a lot of widows find themselves in your situation as well. Some women have never had their own bank account, even now, and their husbands paid all the bills and dealt with all the correspondence.
Some men have never done their own laundry, cooked a meal or even shopped for food.

Not all widows have a big pension or own their own home. It's tough to start a new life whether it is your choice by divorce, their choice or bereavement.

[Mamyalynne]

Yes, but equally after a bereavement and the initial flurry of help and offers of 'If you need anything...etc' fades - you are left to get on with it yourself too.

[Sycamore3House]

From someone who has been/is in in your situation it does not come across as you being a jealous person. But now I have the independent life I now have I don't want to give it up. I do now have a partner who is not the least bit materialistic and has also been through a marriage break up (we didn't meet until we had both been separated for 3 years and we were from opposite ends of the country)we live in my house and he pays towards bills. It works for us. but I do feel our relationship is on my terms because that is what I want/need. I still do sometimes (for about 5 mins) think wouldn't it be lovely to be looked after. Then I have a glass of wine or two & think no I am happy at the moment with my lot but it could be easier.

[Elina]

Do you still have feelings for your ex pips?

[pips1]

Thank you everyone. I do count my blessings and I am very fortunate that I have always been a capable person and it was me who dealt with all the important things in my marriage. Unfortunately circumstances were against me when it all went wrong and I won't ever be financially independent again. I just had a few moments of feeling a bit woeful as I haven't been very well, sorry.

[pips1]

I did Elina, he was my best friend, but he feels like a stranger now.

[Elina]

'I did' ... So you don't now? Pips, It must be so difficult, but I'd be damned if I'd want help off someone who'd left the relationship, someone who likes his ego fed. Stay strong x

[anneasquith]

well i think you are right to feel aggrieved.,Sad that you're friend lost her husband, but in a way you did to. but unfortunately you have to cope on you're own. take care.

[Mamyalynne]

Pips, no need to feel sorry for feeling as you do - rejection hurts and we are all human.

[Prudie]

pips I can't offer any advice but understand exactly why you feel this way. The pain of losing a loved one through death cannot be compared with the pain of being rejected by someone you love. And by cannot be compared, I mean it literally, ie you can't compare the pain of childbirth with a kidney stone for example - it's different for everyone. I think with a bereavement we humans find it far easier to offer sympathy than with a break-up, for some reason that makes us feel awkward. In your case I actually would be jealous and angry and hurt! Time does heal though, really it does.

[pips1]

I know time heals, it really does. I think there will always be a bit of sadness in me as we were such good friends and he is the father of my children. Oh well onwards and upwards, thank you all for your kind words.

[pips1]

Prudie you are so right, you have put this into words better than I did.
Sycamore3House, I take inspiration from this as you have been there too, hope I end up with someone nice as well.

[Mosaic]

It seems to me that your friend could also take some responsibility here by realising that kind of flaunting your ex husband round at hers is hurtful for you.